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I think I've moved on to this

Man I didn't know conjugal visits could involve role play these days

Crispy Jesus is also not pleased... Mostly because he misread the title and it interrupted his chicken dinner.

Anyone noticed if Faux news is keeping track of how many vacations JD Vance has gone on? It seems like an awful lot for being in office a whopping, I don't know...7 months 'Member when he went to Greenland during our whole "we're gonna invade greenland" arc and then proceeded to complain that it was cold? Or the time he tried to go skiing and got chased off the mountain in vermont? Or the time they raised a river so his family's boat could float around? The time he murdered the pope by touching him? Yeah, the pope didn't want to see him initially, remember that? He was like "fuck off and let me die in peace, you couch fucker!" but, obviously, he said it in Italian or Latin, so it sounded pope like.

F... Sorry I found some of the ones I actually wanted to post earlier. Now I'm done I swear.

"Dumd" sounds like a nu-metal parody band. 7 words in this sentence. Only 4 of them spelled correctly. Of those 4 spelled correctly, 2 of them are 2 letters or less.

My mouth started responding before my brain told it what to say and I was trying to get it to stop, but it just slowed down the sentence and ended up sounding like I didn't believe what I was saying. She said, "so what highschool do you go to?" And my actual response was, "no..I'm...a grown man." I might as well have said, "I'm a big boy!" The smile on her face when she said, " you look so young," might as well have been roaring laughter. I just pushed the lawn mower back into the garage. Fuck the grass....fml

Back in elementary school, I was required to check out a AR book to read and there was one specific section in the library for AR reading. It just so happens that on that day, I had horrific gas. My plan was to get in and out before I had an involuntary flatulence evacuation. I briefly looked around but I was quickly running out of time. I picked a random book but it was too late. Gas of the silent but deadly variety freed itself from my digestive tract. Nobody was around me at that moment so I rush to the checkout before anybody walked into the crime scene. As I was checking out, two kids walked into the AR section. Busted. I looked over just in time to see them turn around. They were looking at me; their faces displaying disgust and contempt. They knew. I'm sure that they never forgot about it and seek revenge to this day.

I was all about this breath of fresh energy, until I got a text from the DNC from Gavin that said "Hello, I'm gavin and I'm upsetting the right at the moment. Donate any amount to show you're with me in this fight." It's just kind of like..... Remember when that didn't help at all during the presidential election? Can we maybe not just immediately go to asking for donations whenever there is even the slightest whiff of momentum? Could we reserve those texts for people in a higher pay grade, possibly? Homie, your party's dismal performance in the last elections is one of the reasons my wallet is hurting

I agree with granny, how the hell did bro just notice his balls are gone aint no way

Dresses like the Gorton's fisherman on sunny days.

Alina Habba ‘unlawfully’ working as US attorney in New Jersey, judge rules

$100 bill and a couple of $20s, apparently. Ain't even trying with this bribe.

The famous narcissist talking about the afterlife like this and getting existential has people wondering how much time he has left.

The last time the president ordered officials to apply black paint to border barriers, it was an expensive failure. Naturally, he’s trying it again.

Black Sabbath Cartoon damn that shit is dated af 😬

I absolutely love that single account on twitter is triggering the entire right

A real long tweet that never uses the word "Texas"

yes... yes i am.

They keep saying California Governor Gavin Newsom in the news lately, and it reminds me of Asian Reporter Tricia Takanawa for some reason . . .

The cheeto is back to attacking mail-in voting to distract his followers from the epstein list

I do love how much he's taken to mocking POTUS' tweet format for some cheeky stabs.

thank you

this is a dumb idea.

Where "Quality" is a slogan...

Scientists find missing nutrient bees need

whaaaat? Next, you're going to try and tell me the sky is blue XD

Even cuter girl shows up for the jels...uh-oh

Remember when the right said they hated unions and national healthcare because “socialism bad. Capitalism good”? What happened to that? what are we, the American people, going to get out of this 10% ownership? when does the administration gobble up a few more shares and then sell those shares to their cronies?

Won't stop asking.

It's true, lol this is the only fucking way to handle this situation from hence forth I have never spoken to my neighbors in the 10 or so years they've lived next door at this point, it's been so long it's just awkward to try

Shh, let him sweat. You know he doesn't remember how many transfers he's actually responsible for.

Say ghostrek, if we shrunk your body down to a microbe and put you in the ear of a chunky girl, would you eat all the ear wax inside her ear like it was peanut butter?

I'd prefer to be in a room with Natalie Portman, too.

You let her fart in your face, so I dunno what you were expecting.