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you wake up in matt damon's hotel room in bankok wearing nothing but a fedora. there's a komodo dragon in the bathroom and rick james is sniffing coke off the lid of what seems to be the ark of the covenant.

nameraka

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nameraka Freakin Mutant

nameraka

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you have no memory of the last ten years but are absolutely convinced that the secret of time travel lies buried somewhere in matt damon's skull.

not his brain.

his skull, which is being kept as a table ornament by joseph goebbels somewhere in the fictional  nazi fortress from the 1969 motion picture "Where Eagles Dare." 

you also know that only rick james can guide you through the fictional world of 1960's cinema, but that he won't help you unless you can help the komodo dragon with his feelings of inferiority and deep seated need for the approval of a male role model. 

you also have no idea what to do with the damn ark, but you know you can't just leave it there because it belongs in a museum.

what do you do?

what do you do?

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panic Elder

panic

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First I look for some pants. I soon come to the realization that I am the komodo dragon and eventually accept that I cannot control how my father feels toward me and move on. Then probably eat zombie Rick James.

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nameraka Freakin Mutant

nameraka

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10 hours ago, Bouvre said:

Place the fedora on the Komodo dragon, do coke with Rick James, and go explore Thailand.

are you sure it's wise to leave rick james alone with a pile of coke and the ark of the covenant?

I mean, it's totally your choice and I, of course, trust your judgement.

I'm just saying...

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nameraka Freakin Mutant

nameraka

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9 hours ago, panic said:

First I look for some pants. I soon come to the realization that I am the komodo dragon and eventually accept that I cannot control how my father feels toward me and move on. Then probably eat zombie Rick James.

the ark of the covenant shivers as if it is slowly about to open.

suddenly, you hear a knock at the door and a strange voice screams, "YOUR EMAIL IS NOT VALID!!!"

SpiffyGlamorousIberianemeraldlizard-size

 

 

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nameraka Freakin Mutant

nameraka

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1 minute ago, Poof said:

I'd like to go back to last thursday night so I can pay my phone bill on time

your memory begins to return.

you recall that you didn't pay your phone bill because you blew all your money on coke.

if you go back now and pay the bill, you may cause a disruption in the space-time continuum. 

at least according to star trek rules.

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Poof Monster Mutant

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12 minutes ago, nameraka said:

your memory begins to return.

you recall that you didn't pay your phone bill because you blew all your money on coke.

if you go back now and pay the bill, you may cause a disruption in the space-time continuum. 

at least according to star trek rules.

Well, baby, looks like we're gonna have to break space-time

Spoiler

GIFMaker-org-vxj-HN5.gif

 

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nameraka Freakin Mutant

nameraka

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25 minutes ago, Poof said:

Well, baby, looks like we're gonna have to break space-time

  Hide contents

GIFMaker-org-vxj-HN5.gif

 

you finish off the coke. the room begins to blur.

you are now standing in the street outside of a house that looks... strangely familiar.

the end?

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wacky1980 Freakin Mutant

wacky1980

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On 6/7/2020 at 11:17 PM, nameraka said:

you have no memory of the last ten years but are absolutely convinced that the secret of time travel lies buried somewhere in matt damon's skull.

not his brain.

his skull, which is being kept as a table ornament by joseph goebbels somewhere in the fictional  nazi fortress from the 1969 motion picture "Where Eagles Dare." 

you also know that only rick james can guide you through the fictional world of 1960's cinema, but that he won't help you unless you can help the komodo dragon with his feelings of inferiority and deep seated need for the approval of a male role model. 

you also have no idea what to do with the damn ark, but you know you can't just leave it there because it belongs in a museum.

what do you do?

what do you do?

sure, ok.

1) carefully recreate a true replica of matt damon's head, using dna from matt damon's entrails (and if the dragon already at them, surely there's like a hair on his comb or a pube on the toilet or something), a paste made from the saliva of rick james, approx 44 oz of coke, the severed head from his one oscar trophy, (should have been two you assholes, THE MARTIAN WAS AMAZING), and a bit of pure magic from the ark. the skull comes out rock solid, but it's a dead fucking ringer for matt damon. it would fool, literally anyone. and it could also be used as a bludgeoning tool...

2) smack the fuck out of the dragon using the matt damon skull. give it a real fear of other men. then give it a hug and tell it you love it. take it fishing in the bathtub for one of damon's toes. when it catches one, tell it you're proud of it. it wanders off down the hall with a renewed sense of worth. rick james suddenly stops hitting the rails and offers his assistance.

3) rick knows goebbels. even has the dude's number. so we pull out our hologram videophone (we're 10 years in the future, after all), call that nazi fuck up, and show off the skull we "just lifted" from his mansion. he's fooled by the magic replica. in a fit of rage, goebbels comes racing over, only to realize we've also left and went to his place [i don't know that movie so insert some hijinx involving rick james and an airplane-on-map montage] and stolen the actual matt damon skull.

4) goebbels has the ark (oops?), but who cares about that right now. we have a fucking TIME MACHINE and we're gonna return it to the museum by turning back the clock to when it was still in the dirt. then we go collect it, put it in a museum, get rick james all fucked up on pcp, and leave him on the foyer floor of his apartment in toluca hills. his future remains uncertain.

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new_disease Elder

new_disease

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Well first I'm gonna do some coke with Rick James because that will be a neat story to tell. Then I'll run outside and have some rando off the street come in and take a bunch of pics of me hanging with rick james, and posing with the komodo dragon so I can post them on the gram 

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nameraka Freakin Mutant

nameraka

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On 7/15/2020 at 5:01 PM, wacky1980 said:

sure, ok.

1) carefully recreate a true replica of matt damon's head, using dna from matt damon's entrails (and if the dragon already at them, surely there's like a hair on his comb or a pube on the toilet or something), a paste made from the saliva of rick james, approx 44 oz of coke, the severed head from his one oscar trophy, (should have been two you assholes, THE MARTIAN WAS AMAZING), and a bit of pure magic from the ark. the skull comes out rock solid, but it's a dead fucking ringer for matt damon. it would fool, literally anyone. and it could also be used as a bludgeoning tool...

2) smack the fuck out of the dragon using the matt damon skull. give it a real fear of other men. then give it a hug and tell it you love it. take it fishing in the bathtub for one of damon's toes. when it catches one, tell it you're proud of it. it wanders off down the hall with a renewed sense of worth. rick james suddenly stops hitting the rails and offers his assistance.

3) rick knows goebbels. even has the dude's number. so we pull out our hologram videophone (we're 10 years in the future, after all), call that nazi fuck up, and show off the skull we "just lifted" from his mansion. he's fooled by the magic replica. in a fit of rage, goebbels comes racing over, only to realize we've also left and went to his place [i don't know that movie so insert some hijinx involving rick james and an airplane-on-map montage] and stolen the actual matt damon skull.

4) goebbels has the ark (oops?), but who cares about that right now. we have a fucking TIME MACHINE and we're gonna return it to the museum by turning back the clock to when it was still in the dirt. then we go collect it, put it in a museum, get rick james all fucked up on pcp, and leave him on the foyer floor of his apartment in toluca hills. his future remains uncertain.

congratulations.

you have solved the riddle and shall be awarded the prize!

do3kD.jpg

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nameraka Freakin Mutant

nameraka

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On 7/15/2020 at 5:21 PM, new_disease said:

Well first I'm gonna do some coke with Rick James because that will be a neat story to tell. Then I'll run outside and have some rando off the street come in and take a bunch of pics of me hanging with rick james, and posing with the komodo dragon so I can post them on the gram 

eventually the coke wears off.

you begin to realize that it was all a drug-fueled fever dream.

you are actually in buffalo and have been hauling rick james' mostly decomposed corpse around town after digging it up with help from some snake skin jacket wearing greaser named lenny who claims to need it to open the ark of the covenant...

the "ark" appears to actually be a small fire safe. 

lenny does another line off of rick james' rotting corpse and passes you a blowtorch.

for a split second, lenny turns into a komodo dragon and then back into lenny again.

it's probably just the drugs... probably.

you light the torch.

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InsaneFox Elder

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On 6/8/2020 at 12:17 AM, nameraka said:

you have no memory of the last ten years but are absolutely convinced that the secret of time travel lies buried somewhere in matt damon's skull.

not his brain.

his skull, which is being kept as a table ornament by joseph goebbels somewhere in the fictional  nazi fortress from the 1969 motion picture "Where Eagles Dare." 

you also know that only rick james can guide you through the fictional world of 1960's cinema, but that he won't help you unless you can help the komodo dragon with his feelings of inferiority and deep seated need for the approval of a male role model. 

you also have no idea what to do with the damn ark, but you know you can't just leave it there because it belongs in a museum.

what do you do?

what do you do?

That's pretty simple. Work on the dragon's esteem issues.
I mean, you already laid out the to do list:

*Fix Dragon
*Have Rick James take you AND the Ark into the correct movie.
*Use the Ark to kill all of the Nazis, because that's what they do?
**Backup Plan, pack guns in the Ark, just in case the nazis don't just all die.
*Acquire Matt Damon's skull.
*Say "Matt DAAAAMON"
*Okay, get serious.
*Find clues inside the skull?
 

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