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Very sad today.

Sandstone

By Sandstone
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Sandstone Hero

Sandstone

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I think something might be wrong with me. I've been having a very difficult time concentrating and have already missed a deadline set due to lack of focus. But the strangest thing is I didn't realize I was very sad until this morning, and now I think it's been like this for at least 2 weeks which would indicate a major depressive mood. This is approximately how I felt the last time I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation, which hasn't happened in a very long time, it's not to that level yet but I can feel it approaching.  It is extremely upsetting to think about. So much has been going right for me lately and then this, it's just really devastating. My deepest fear is going in and never being able to come back out, because it never gets better.

I see my psychiatrist next week to see about reducing and changing some of the dosages of my medication due to a large amount of weight loss, and I will see what happens then.

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fuggstop Monster Mutant

fuggstop

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Try to write down some positive affirmations to help with the funk. Take some real time focusing on whats making you sad and write things to dispute them. Your brain is malfunctioning and you can at least try to calm down the bad thought down

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Sandstone Hero

Sandstone

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I don't think that is going to help, since that is regular therapy exercises I do every day. My worst OCD symptoms have returned, and I think I'm going to have to temporarily hide all the knives and cleaning fluids in my house. It's the reason I was hospitalized last time (long time ago). I think my med levels are just out of whack. I woke up crying this morning for no apparent reason, and that also has not happened in a long time.

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Sandstone Hero

Sandstone

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2 minutes ago, midnight said:

I think the weight loss will definitely play into this. Your dosage would change, I'm thinking. So, maybe it's nothing more than that. 

Don't sweat it too much until you see the doc next week. 

I was removed from SSRIs because of contraindications in my genome over a  year ago. So I am only on mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics, it can mean imbalanced levels are especially more dramatic for me. I know all about this, but it doesn't make the thoughts go away. Now I'm going to have to hide bleach and drain cleaner from my vision so that I don't get a loop in my head envisioning myself drinking it. Which is where this will eventually end up.

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Sandstone Hero

Sandstone

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1 minute ago, midnight said:

If you don't think you can make it til the doc appointment, go to the er. 

I see her monday. I think I'll be ok, I'm just afraid it's going to escalate again. It really fucking sucks, I have made a ton of progress in my life in the past year and then this happens I should have been more prepared. I should be able to deal with this better by now, but it just never goes away. Like I'm stuck with it in perpetuity. It sound ridiculous, but I can't really express the intensity, it's one of those things that wouldn't make any sense to someone who's not experienced it.

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midnight Freakin Mutant

midnight

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Just now, Sandstone said:

I see her monday. I think I'll be ok, I'm just afraid it's going to escalate again. It really fucking sucks, I have made a ton of progress in my life in the past year and then this happens I should have been more prepared. I should be able to deal with this better by now, but it just never goes away. Like I'm stuck with it in perpetuity. It sound ridiculous, but I can't really express the intensity, it's one of those things that wouldn't make any sense to someone who's not experienced it.

Tell me that 20 page shit fest didn't help trigger this?

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Sandstone Hero

Sandstone

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2 minutes ago, midnight said:

Do I need to call the hotline for you, bro?

Oh no, It's not there yet. I'm just trying to think ahead. I needed to vent about this for a minute. I'm just saying that's where it could end up in a very short period of time if I'm not careful and it's extremely terrifying to think about. Normally I can just use coping mechanisms to "eliminate" or diminish the fear of this and the fear of the hospitalization which literally never leaves me completely. But it's just extremely strong this time. I'm not suicidal, if that's what you mean. But I am definitely afraid it could go there.

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Sandstone Hero

Sandstone

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3 minutes ago, midnight said:

Tell me that 20 page shit fest didn't help trigger this?

No I think that was more of a symptom of the downward spiral. It didn't really occur to me there was a problem until this morning. Normally I detect mood shifts like this as they are happening, this time I didn't. I'm not sure if that's because there is too much mood stabilizer in my system or what. Some of the interactions I had with people there certainly didn't help though.

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midnight Freakin Mutant

midnight

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Just now, Sandstone said:

Oh no, It's not there yet. I'm just trying to think ahead. I needed to vent about this for a minute. I'm just saying that's where it could end up in a very short period of time if I'm not careful and it's extremely terrifying to think about. Normally I can just use coping mechanisms to "eliminate" or diminish the fear of this and the fear of the hospitalization which literally never leaves me completely. But it's just extremely strong this time. I'm not suicidal, if that's what you mean. But I am definitely afraid it could go there.

Yeah that's what I mean. Because that's how it sounds. Just get to the er the moment you think you can't handle it anymore. Because if you do something like kill yourself, well, bro, that there is permanent. Nothing is so bad that death is the answer. 

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Sandstone Hero

Sandstone

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Just now, midnight said:

Yeah that's what I mean. Because that's how it sounds. Just get to the er the moment you think you can't handle it anymore. Because if you do something like kill yourself, well, bro, that there is permanent. Nothing is so bad that death is the answer. 

I know, but you have to understand I think about death every day. This is not unusual for me, other than being more intense.

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midnight Freakin Mutant

midnight

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2 minutes ago, Sandstone said:

*I think about death every day, I just normally don't talk about it because usually it's not this bad. I'm not in immediate danger atm.

We all think about death. I don't suffer from any mental illnesses,,,,that I know of, and I think about death. I don't fear it, and I don't care when it comes. I'm not going to instigate it, but when it comes knocking, I'll answer the door. 

So, don't feel like only people who have mental illnesses think about death. We all do.

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Sandstone Hero

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Anyways, I just wanted to talk about it. I don't usually talk about what is going on in my life here, I don't like people knowing a lot about me in general. But as I said, I've managed two major goals and some minor ones this past year. And I'm very close to having my first game in an alpha state where I might try to take it to market, and I've lost nearly 100 pounds in the last year. So I really thought this time I would be on top of anything that came back. But no, I'm an idiot and somehow I let this happen again.

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Sandstone Hero

Sandstone

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1 minute ago, midnight said:

We all think about death. I don't suffer from any mental illnesses,,,,that I know of, and I think about death. I don't fear it, and I don't care when it comes. I'm not going to instigate it, but when it comes knocking, I'll answer the door. 

So, don't feel like only people who have mental illnesses think about death. We all do.

No I mean I think about death as in a possible option on a daily basis. Normally these feelings are addressed through a combination of therapeutic behavioral modification coping mechanisms and daily meditation. That is a step far below suicidal ideation, where I've not been for a long time. I fear ever going back to that place. Right now I'm more just afraid that it's going to go back there and I don't want to have to be hospitalized, it feels like failure quite frankly. My first hospitalization preceded 8 days without being able to fall asleep due to contamination phobia (literally can't touch things because they are not clean and thus will make you unclean) and obsessive thoughts about drinking cleaning products. That's why I have to put them all up now where I can't see them. I want to avoid the whole problem entirely if I can.

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Sandstone Hero

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@midnight If it gets too intense I will take the appropriate measures to prevent harm, I'm not there yet. And I have roommates which are aware of my issues so if I start losing it they'll notify someone. If I disappear for an extended period, it is unlikely due to that, so don't worry about me. I don't like people worrying about me. Really just wanted to vent here, because I hate the looks on people's faces when I try to explain this to people without these types of issues in person. At least here I don't have to see the facial expressions of people looking at me like I've been run over by a truck.

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Sandstone Hero

Sandstone

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3 minutes ago, Phillies said:

when this happens I just stay in the basement.

:|

Not an option for me. I'm going to force myself to go hang out with some people in a bit, part of why I wanted to talk about it here first so maybe a bit of that tension won't seep out and make the whole room extremely uncomfortable.

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GunStarHero Superstar

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34 minutes ago, midnight said:

Do I need to call the hotline for you, bro?

Don't do that. Someone did that for me years ago and all that happened was the hotline dude called the Sheriff's department and then hung up on me. Dealt with police officers all day, wasting everyone's time cause the only things they could do were call the same hotline that ended up calling them and taking me in. Taking me in would have been way worse cause I would have been shut off from the world and pumped with meds and kept til they saw fit. If I had insurance. If I didn't then I would be removed immediately. 

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midnight Freakin Mutant

midnight

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1 minute ago, GunStarHero said:

Don't do that. Someone did that for me years ago and all that happened was the hotline dude called the Sheriff's department and then hung up on me. Dealt with police officers all day, wasting everyone's time cause the only things they could do were call the same hotline that ended up calling them and taking me in. Taking me in would have been way worse cause I would have been shut off from the world and pumped with meds and kept til they saw fit. If I had insurance. If I didn't then I would be removed immediately. 

I wasn't. Unless he wanted me to. I only know him as Sandstone, so I couldn't really do that anyways. ''Yes. Sandstone from the boards is feeling down." 

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Sandstone Hero

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2 minutes ago, GunStarHero said:

Don't do that. Someone did that for me years ago and all that happened was the hotline dude called the Sheriff's department and then hung up on me. Dealt with police officers all day, wasting everyone's time cause the only things they could do were call the same hotline that ended up calling them and taking me in. Taking me in would have been way worse cause I would have been shut off from the world and pumped with meds and kept til they saw fit. If I had insurance. If I didn't then I would be removed immediately. 

He doesn't need to anyways because I would do something or my room mates would in all likely hood before that happened. Much faster than anyone here as Rogue is the only person who has that kind of personal info on me in this community.

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GunStarHero Superstar

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Just now, midnight said:

I wasn't. Unless he wanted me to. I only know him as Sandstone, so I couldn't really do that anyways. ''Yes. Sandstone from the boards is feeling down." 

You absolutely could. The person that called for me didn't know my address or real name.

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Sandstone Hero

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Just now, PhilosipherStoned said:

Good luck with that don't let the internet get you down. 

The internet didn't cause this lol. But thanks appreciate it. I have to go get ready, perhaps some time out doing other things people will help.

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zombieninjakitten Aristocrat

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I’m so sorry you’re going through this and being bipolar 2 I deal with major depression all the time.  Suicidal ideation is very common in major depressive disorder and something you need to address with your doctor.  Med adjustment is definitely most likely going to make you feel better.

This is resource I have used a few times.  They have a phone line, online chat line, even a phone text line.  The people are great.  Also, you can always talk to me.  I’m not a doctor but I’ve been there.  ((hugs))

http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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Sandstone Hero

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12 minutes ago, zombieninjakitten said:

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and being bipolar 2 I deal with major depression all the time.  Suicidal ideation is very common in major depressive disorder and something you need to address with your doctor.  Med adjustment is definitely most likely going to make you feel better.

This is resource I have used a few times.  They have a phone line, online chat line, even a phone text line.  The people are great.  Also, you can always talk to me.  I’m not a doctor but I’ve been there.  ((hugs))

http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I've had Bipolar Type II since at least 2011 (which is when I was diagnosed) and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder diagnosed in 2012 when I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation, self harming, and severe exhaustion. My obsessive thoughts combined with a two week long mixed state caused it after I couldn't fall asleep for 8 days straight. Unfortunately it also ruined my second real relationship because it is the period of time I came out to my family and was subsequently disowned  by a large portion of them for doing so. Circumstances this time are obviously different, but the overall feeling is very close to that and I think it has to do with improper medication levels and/or resistances (I hope it's not resistances because I like what I'm on currently). Anyways, I was having very odd hightened sense of fears about very strange things like getting STDs from toilet seats, sinks, and faucets and replaying images of myself drinking caustic chemicals that I happened to come across either in my house or in the super market. My OCD leans towards a rarer form called Pure-O, which usually causes people to have looping movie like real tracks playing over and over, it intensifies under period of extreme stress.

I really appreciate the support, mostly I was just looking to vent without people gawking at me but it does mean a lot thanks. I have to go now lol, I should have gotten ready a half hour ago, I'm kind of dreading socializing with some people I've not seen in a while.

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katt_goddess Monster Mutant

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I'll add my voice to those that say if you get bad, go to the ER. We have to trust in you to do that. The board is full of assholes but we are a weird asshole family here for better or worse. People do worry, dude. :(

If it's past issues that are creeping into your mind on repeat where you felt helpless / abandoned / alone , try reminding yourself about where you are right now this minute. You aren't in the past and you survived that past. You are here now. It helps me some, it should help you if you aren't already doing this. 

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Cidz Gentry

Cidz

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sometimes I'll think im not depressed, then ill think about it and realized i had gone a couple weeks without really doing anything and having no motivation. you dont always feel depressed to be depressed if that makes sense. like its not always crying, or feeling heavy or down. sometimes you just feel nothing.

hope it doesnt get really bad for ya. Hopefully your therapist can help.

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Sandstone Hero

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Last night helped temporarily, then I had an extremely awful night. Feels like my brain is on fire, too agitated to relax and can't fall asleep again. I was asleep for maybe 2 hours last night total. I even tried a full body work out to release as much energy as I could. The problem's not physical exhaustion my brain just won't shut off, and I hate this fucking shit when it happens. I've told my roommates I'm experiencing some extreme symptoms and asked them to notify the ER or doc in case something unusual starts happening. I've had them put up anything that is a chemical in our house, because I can't even look at them right now without getting that vision replay it's stressing me out. Don't think I'll be able to go out today again, but I'm just listening to audible atm to try and relax.

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Phillies Monster Mutant

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3 hours ago, Sandstone said:

Last night helped temporarily, then I had an extremely awful night. Feels like my brain is on fire, too agitated to relax and can't fall asleep again. I was asleep for maybe 2 hours last night total. I even tried a full body work out to release as much energy as I could. The problem's not physical exhaustion my brain just won't shut off, and I hate this fucking shit when it happens. I've told my roommates I'm experiencing some extreme symptoms and asked them to notify the ER or doc in case something unusual starts happening. I've had them put up anything that is a chemical in our house, because I can't even look at them right now without getting that vision replay it's stressing me out. Don't think I'll be able to go out today again, but I'm just listening to audible atm to try and relax.

it sounds like bipolar is keeping you awake. 

Mood chart all of this so next time it happens you can anticipate its length or determine what triggered the episode and avoid any triggers alltogether. 

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