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GunStarHero

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GunStarHero last won the day on February 1 2019

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  1. Toy Story 4 - 7/10: Honestly thought was going to be awful. The beginning was meandering as all fuck but it got back on track and was actually kinda funny. This is the best Toy Story since the original, but I dont think that's saying much since I dont care for 2 or 3. That being said, beyond money, there was no reason for this film to exist. The narrative was done with 3, so this was just bizarre to behold. But I guess money is reason enough.
  2. Onward - 5/10: I really wanted to like this one. There was potential for greatness here. I keep seeing it in these types of movies. The setting is incredibly interesting but the actual meat of the narrative is boring and predictable. Honestly only laughed once but I kept seeing instances where I could have laughed but the execution of the jokes fell flat. Literally the jokes were there but they consistently dropped the ball. Absolutely gorgeous film, though. Beyond the characters, everything looked amazingly lifelike. Sad to say that, this magical film was more smoke and mirrors than anything else. Super predictable and barely any use of magic, much less creatively. I'll give them the splinter bit, though.
  3. Starcrash (1978) - This is Absolutely not Star Wars: A New Hope (1977). Some ship full of stupid fucking idiots get too close to a planet that emits radio waves that turn you insane. That's important, I'm sure. A hot chick and her partner, that i swore was a fucking living, male real doll, are being chased by the Space Police. This was a high priority task so only the finest, aka '70s Lex Luthor and Foghorn Leghorn's soul trapped in a robot, were sent. The vindictive spirits of Saturday Morning Cartoons captures their prey and send them to separate space prisons. Male Protagonist is not important, so we instead follow Hot Girl, whom is imprisoned on a mining planet. I think. The entire scene lasts about 1 minute and shows the prisoners dumping radioactive spheres into a hole, then a limp dick prison riot happens and we fuck off out of there. Pretty sure this scene was an excuse to get out leading lady into a skimpy outfit--er prison uniform. Literally right after escaping Space Pachinko, our bad bitch is confronted by the very Space Police that initially captured her. Turns out the Lizard Men that rule the galaxy "canceled" her prison sentence so she could help them find that spaceship of stupid fucking idiots from the beginning. Oh, I guess they go fetch Male Lead, who was imprisoned in a tube in the floor. Seemed bummed to be let go. Tough break, there's always FUBU. Now that our dream team has finally been assembled, we can progress to the fucking plot of Absolutely Not Star Wars: A New Hope. Turns out some hero that did nothing wrong is planning to blow up the galaxy with his Death...Hand? Death Hand. It's the fucking Death Star shaped like a robot hand. The heroes must find this deadly weapon and stop...Count Zarth. *sigh* Absolutely Not Star Wars: A New Hope. Zarth looks like he's a lot more entertaining than he actually is. The first location they search is the planet Jason and the Argonauts was filmed on. Robot Yeehaw Foghorn gets fuckin' blasted by Amazonians and Bad Bitch is taken to their leader, Badder Bitch. Turns out the feral lesbians are in cahoots with Zarth and also Android Leghorn survived! Thank fuck! And he saves the titties from the other titties! Queen ProtoDyke summons a mech to stop our heroes, but luckily the mechanical beast is bested by talks of feelings and nail painting. Sadly, we leave the planet of the Celestialbians and land on Not Hoth. Another dead end! But oh, no, the first known robo-simp and Boss Babe are trapped in the snow! They'll never make it back to the ship in time! I fucking guess! So they do the reasonable thing and sleep out in the open during a snowstorm. The plan is that the battle bot will survive and take the probably dead chick back into the ship to be brought back to life. Okay. Sure. BUT OH NO WHAT'S THAT!? BETRAYAL!? Turns out Lex Lu-Thor works for Zarth and he just 86'd Interesting, Totally Developed, Male Lead. Somehow the snow angel plan works and also Male Lead not only survived but has decided he can now, Force-bly, wield light energy. They defeat Bad Traitor Man and fuck off to the third destination: the crazy radio wave planet. Though the radio waves initially disorient our heroes, Male Lead decides he can now navigate through them and safely lands on the planet's surface. What a fuckin'g hunk, bro. MLM Diamond Level Boss Bitch teams up yet again with Fogclog Legfuck Bot and they are immediately attacked by fucking cavemen. The cavemen go ape shit on the humble, plantation-owning robot and rip him to shreds. Those essential oils do nothing to quell the ambush, but luckily, uh, David-fucking-Hasselhoff shows up in a golden mask, shooting god damned lasers out of his eyes. He fends off the attack, but only for a moment because now the Deus Ex Mask is out of Convenient Savior Juice. Thank fuck they're saved at the last moment but Male Lead. All subtly is dead and he goes full on Jedi Master Aspergers, wielding a saber of light, not to be confused with a light of saber from a Star of Wars. Understandably, the cavemen deuce the fuck out cause Mary Sue is here. Apparently the crazy radio waves spouting Pro Lizard People propaganda that was turning everyone crazy was the secret weapon, and totally not the Death Hand...thing. Our band of fuckwits descend into the planet to destroy the weapon once and for all. Zarth has wisely left a whole two fucking erector set robot assassins to defend his literal god mode weapon. Master Asperger is literally using force powers now, and I'm not sure it fucking matters because he dies like right off the bat and Prince HasselMeinHoff picks up his...saber of light, and finished the job. Not to be outdone, Zarth tells everyone he will be blowing up his weapon to kill them all, instead of, you know, quietly just doing that. Lord Emperor Lizard man arrives with some troops only to learn that the whole planet is about to fuckin' bounce. So, and I am not making this part up, he calls his ship and tells them to stop time for 3 minutes so they can escape. And that works. Fuck me, it was so simple all along. NOW WE MUST RIDE TO WAR! RIDE NOW, RIDE NOW, RIDE! RIDE FOR RUIN AND THE WORLD's ENDING! But not really. They head off towards that suspiciously hand-shaped spaceship. There's a fight. I guess. It's fucking stupid. The good guys launch themselves inside these pods into the 36th chamber hand through the windows. You know, with open, exposed space behind them. No worries. They get shot to death anyways. Zarth is absofuckinglutely winning, but it turns out Dr. Gero's own Southern Bell FuckBot survived the cavemen(??) and was rebuilt to help a Boss Babe make some cash from home one last time. So the duo crashes a giant ship called "The City," which was there and empty apparently, into the Dim Mak hand, but not before yeeting out the window, into space, and SWIMMING THROUGH SPACE back into their ship before the explosion. (So-Bad-It's-Good) Reverse Verdict - 5/10 I mean, I was able to finish the movie. So it's got that going for it. It's a weird, low budget sci-fi film that clearly "borrows"/fucking steals from Star Wars and other films before it. But it's not so terrible. Hard to recommend, regardless.
  4. The Mandalorian Watched all 8 episodes in a row. Not particularly in love with the show. Some glimpses of potential and the odd funny bit. Wouldn't watch it again, though. I wanted more fighting or bounty hunting. The 4th episode was so god damned awful in every way I would have stopped watching if I had been alone. Stupid plot, Mando is out of character, horrible acting, pathetic spectacle, and the worst additions to the show in terms of characters. Legendarily bad. The 5th episode was a stinker too but it was forgettable compared to this trash. Seemed like a filler, which, considering there were only 8 episodes, that's a significant chunk of your runtime. Not a good look.
  5. So I used one filter on an app called FaceApp and it just made me 100% Asian. Now, I know I have Asian heritage but I always thought it was a very small amount. I tried pictures of other people and it barely changed them. Anyways, I'll be here having an existential crisis because I am apparently algorithmically Asian.
  6. All my company's properties are closed until May 1st, minimum. Beyond some security and groundskeepers no one is at any of the resorts or casinos. Some HR and operators manning the phones, though. Everyone else is on forced vacation but everyone was given full time status so we would all get benefits and be paid as if we worked 40 hours per week or our regular salary. As happy as I am about that I doubt this will blow over by May 1st.
  7. JoJo Rabbit - 6/10: I came in expecting not to like this movie at all. The beginning had a lot of energy and was fun but not even halfway through it just kinda falls off and settles in place. Disappointed but not as much as I thought I would be.
  8. That is a mighty high compliment! I used to love reading his stuff in EGM and on 1up.
  9. Precious few exist. And most are the trash the sought to subvert.
  10. It's 100% an acquired taste. Something like Gymkata is a blessing for me because of the typical quality of its ilk. There are so many movies that are boring bad that you'll never hear about because anyone that ever saw them forgot about them while they were watching. I have around 300 of these kinds of movies in my personal collection and I can assure you most of them fall under "boring bad." Just aggravatingly slow paced films with a meandering plot and wooden or otherwise unlikable characters. As for my write ups, I want you to have fun reading them. Be it fun from my description of the movie or fun from my ripping it apart. Gymkata is fucking bizarre and its insanity kept me going, but it's no Jurassic Games or Riki O.
  11. No rice crackers? 😧
  12. Orcs Wars/Dragonfyre (2013) - A former special forces member purchases a farm and the surrounding land only to find that it's actually the home of the sentinel that protects the world from the orc portal two blocks down. This film has multiple titles and was funded through a succesful Kickstarter campaign and I'd like to thank @Poof for showing this to me. You can 100% ignore all the boxart you see for this one because it was all done up to sell the movie, but honestly it doesn't need the help. The premise is absolutely enthralling. Shortly after buying his new ranch, the spec ops sexy man John Norton meets an elven princess while she is fleeing from orcs that chased her through the fucking orc portal down the road. John ain't no punk bitch so he pulls out his gun and shoots them. Seeing a contemporary, rugged American soldier bro bust caps in armor-clad orcs is a thing of beauty. Speaking of the orcs, these motherfuckers look like someone raided Peter Jackson's garage and stole all of his prototype LotR orc costumes. Elsewhere, we are introduced to three good ole boys havin' a swampbilly festival in the local patch of trees. Two of them die, and the third, Scooter, escapes. He won't be important later. John doesn't want to be the hero, but we don't give a fuck what you want, John. Now the orcs, they want the princess as a sacrifice to their white witch of the Utah wasteland or some shit. They initially send over smaller scouting parties, including one with this uruk hai looking motherfucker that is clearly in charge. Uruk hai bro gets captured after he and his boys try and fail to raid ole stand-your-ground country boy's fuck cabin. Then, in a masterstroke by our hero, the captured orc is tied to a chair and interrogated via constant, perfectly timed tasers to the neck. More bullshit with the orcs and the patron saint of the coronavirus. Who cares. Uruk hai bro escapes. There's a blind Indian swordsman named Whitefeather. He "guides" John by telling him to shoot the god damned orcs you dumb hillbilly buttfuck. Now the orcs are furious and running out of time to complete the ritual, so they send one baby catapult and a small army of orcs to attack. Whitefeather, being blind, opts to drive the armored truck they found in one of the barns. This makes sense. Scooter is there, too, on the machine gun, and then dying. But John and spirit guide katana man are both fine. There is also a weird bit where a random SUV pulls up and it turns out to be the real estate agent. Her cars gets destroyed by the orcs catapult so she gets mad and goes full FPS Doug of these fuckers with a .50 cal sniper rifle they had sitting around. Then she dies anyways and the elf is captured. Uruk hai bro tries to lead a revolt because now he has a gun, but is lightly shoved off of a small hill and gets big boo boos. Whitefeather charges through the portal after the orcs and holds them off until John arrives at the exact moment Whitefeather dies. In a particularly disjointed final fight scene, John and the mistress of the piss palace do battle, but John is losing, oh no! But never fear because Uruk hai bro emerges with his pistol and throws it to our heroes who then bust the bitch of the bowels in the face and she super dies and all is well. The surviving orcs and totally bros now and John probably fucked that elf but then goes back to his destroyed cabin instead of staying in her sweet ass castle. What a fucking tool. (So-Bad-It's-Good) Reverse Verdict - 7/10 It's painfully obvious the sheer scale this film's script begged for, but for such a tiny budget, it turned out fine. While it does feel quite empty because of budget constraints, I had fun with this one. The concept of medieval orcs versus machine guns and tanks by itself is incredible to behold. Great fun to be had. I guess there was a fucking dragon too but that didn't matter which is even better.
  13. Gymkata (1985) - A gymnast is recruited by (absolutely not the CIA) SIA to travel to Parmesanstan to compete in THE GAME. We assume this is because his father was killed playing said THE GAME, but evidently the not CIA wants a gymnast to learn martial arts because that is how the 1980s worked. Get lit, get fit, son. It seems that THE GAME has not been won by an outsider in 900 years, and I kinda doubt that country has even existed for so long in the first place, but sure, whatever. The rules are simple! Somehow manage to enter the dangerous and isolated country, then tell the king you want to play THE GAME. If you lose or refuse to play, you die. If you win, you may leave with your life and get "one request." Not a wish. Not a guarantee. Just a request. Give something a shot, I fucking guess. To assist in the preparations for his mission, a random Asian sensei is brought in to help him learn how to climb stairs with only his hands, a gentle giant yeets him about, and the Parmesanstanianese princess attempts to stab him while he flips around like a fucking jackass and pretends to be both himself and her (it's fucking bizarre). I guess that goes as planned so he is sent to some random Slavic nation that's main export is hairy, inept martial artists and Adidas knockoffs. Our hero, Jonathan, is joined in his journey by the Chicken Parm Princess and 2 SIA agents. As soon as they arrive in the nation of cyka bylat bois, they visit a marketplace and are attacked. A natural born hero, Jonathan fucking bolts and leaves everyone else behind. No shocker here, but the 2 agents are killed like instantly and the Princess leaves the movie for a moment. Also a cop shoots one of the attackers. I mention this because that never fucking happens, so kudos to those cops. Oh jeez, looks like half the film has passed and fucking nothing is happening except some dudes in a warehouse pretending to mine giant mountains made of cyka salt. Good heavens, betrayal! Who gives a shit, time for a kayaking scene, since this is the only legally recognized method of entry into Parm Palace. Jonathan uses his new found martial arts training and his latent sexual prowess as a gymnast to fight like 10...sorta ninjas? They're liked dressed in ninja gi but are wearing fez caps. Anyways, Johnny boy loses but he was totes supposed to cause those were guardians of the lone creek in Parm Parking Lot. We smash cut to this haunting woman cleaning Jonathan's dick probably, which he allows, sure. Australian Conan the Swolebarian arrives to inform Jonathan the princess is safe and they will all meet the king tomorrow. Turns out the king is one of the apes from the old Planet of the Apes films, except slightly less hairy, and while he looks a bit Slavic, his daughter is clearly from the Philippines. That's fine, I guess. It's like an even tinier Mel Brooks snagged a Filipino child and convinced her he was her dad. Really fucking jarring. We sort of meet the other competitors in THE GAME, but that matters for fuck all. Some dude shows up late to compete in the coming THE GAME. He's a Chad Leviathan motherfucker named Thorg that wears a vest he bought on fucking Venus. We see 3 prisoners in chains presented to the crowd. They will play THE GAME. The all lose THE GAME (and I suppose in a way, we all have, too). By the way, they show the participants of the actual THE GAME this pathetic display in an effort to show them how to play. They also totally knock some poor dude's dick in the dirt with their horses, and I don't think that was in the script. Cool, now we can finally begin the fucking movie. THE GAME is a shitty obstacle course through rural Georgia (USA) with like 4 actual obstacles: 1.) A corn field you can run straight through. 2.) A sheer cliff side with ropes you can climb straight up 3.) A tiny canyon you can climb straight across 4.) A town full of insane motherfuckers that the government dumped to forget their failures Other than that, you just need to run back afterwards. Worried about getting lost? Don't be! ISIS members dot the landscape with flags to show you the way! Literally the perfect plan! Getting lost means there is no way to find your way back in the harsh wilderness of Senoia, GA unless you randomly find a tree terrorist. Fuck yea! These guys are easily the best fucking parts of the entire experience, IMO. They take the job very seriously for about 5 seconds and then just listlessly drop their arms and shoulders and slump in place as people pass by. Pretty much everyone is dead by the time we hit Crazy Town except Thorg of house K-Mart and our feathered and lethal hero, Jonathan. The town is populated by the mentally deranged afterthoughts of Parmacandcheesestan, such a shame they all wound up like that after recording "Butterfly." Probably the most interesting portion of the film, if only because of how stupid it all is. There's someone hissing like a cat. Another person charges Jonathan, misses, then screams and cuts off his own hand because he cray cray, see? Can't forget Serj Tankian's cameo as the priest who appears normal from the front but is riding bareass to the wind from the trunk. Or this dude who put on a fake face on the back of his head and then got bitch kicked on his front and back jaws. Thorg also dies in a pig fuck shack. Press F to give a shit. Meanwhile the king of baked, breaded chicken and marinara incites a riot alongside the princess. Guess that works out. Then we reach the pinnacle of cinema, and Jonathan finds himself surrounded by the insane members of Crazy Town, but luck is on his side! There's a fucking pommel horse right beside him! Perfect for the deadly fart of Gymkata! Enjoy this gif! Or don't! So that doesn't really pan out and there are just too many members in Crazy Town, so ole Johnny boy bolts into an alley way. And deus ex papa saves him! Hooray! His father actually survived THE GAME but was being held as a political prisoner and made to be a member of Fozzie Bear ISIS. Then he dies. Australian Conan killed him with an arrow, so now Jonathan decides to run again, as is tradition. He jumps a "gorge" and only upside down Conan follows him. They kung fu fuck around and Conan winds up dying behind the vacant lot that was once a proud Radio Shack in bumfuck nowhere Georgia. Jonathan rides back into town, alongside his father who didn't actually die? The fuck? I don't care enough to care. Our hero is reunited with the princess of Olive Garden lunch specials and the movie decides now is a good time to tell us the government installed the first satellite monitoring station in 1985. (So-Bad-It's-Good) Reverse Verdict - 7/10 This film is like watching a train wreck that, in some ways, you know you caused by proxy, and that fact rests easily in your very mortal coil. Definitely won't be bored watching this crowning achievement of Parmacandfriessupersizedstan's film industry. I would like to point out, though, that the cover art never happens. We are never in a giant red room nor do actual ninjas, with ninja weaponry nor MP40s left over from the Third Reich, appear anywhere in the movie.
  14. Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets - 3/10 Another film with source material I'm not familiar with. It was painfully obvious that there was a lot more to this universe than we got in the film. And for a movie featuring a city in the stars, filled with thousands of different aliens all working together, it sure bet on the wrong horse. The leads were so boring. Zero chemistry. Felt like the polar opposite of a romantic pairing. Absolutely jarring at times, especially considering the majority of their dialogue together was poorly written one liners/zingers. Valerian was a mess. Had an identity crisis, just bouncing between serious-galaxy-in-danger narratives and a shitty buddy cop mystery movie. This film was like a gorgeous display cake: beautiful and lovingly detailed but absolutely inedible. Another casualty in an ever growing list of films that were more concerned with being pretty than being actual movies.
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