Doom Metal Alchemist

I had that once, except the girl I was crushing on was married.

Grandma.

For this post to really make an impact, you should have used a lowercase i.

Has your balloon budget gone through the roof since taking these meds?

Why yes, I'd love to see your monkey scrotum.

Well I mean, you already work there, and assuming you already do a good job, all they want is for you to succeed. I'm assuming your interview for your initial position with the company was far more nerve wracking since you (presumably) had no one from the company telling you exactly what they were going to say and what they wanted to hear.

I'm a flapper.

You should've scolded her like, "DON'T LOSE YOUR CHECKS ANYMORE. I'M NOT GOING TO THESE LENGTHS TO HELP YOU AGAIN." or at least semi-jokingly demand a thank-you.

I see no evidence of that in the letter, but then again, it is a very incomplete picture. Only fuggs can tell us for sure. Or at least only fuggs can tell us what he said for sure.

Yeah part of what I was alluding to was he was lying in an effort to gain her sympathy, and wondering what his explanation would be of why they all attacked him.

Making Great Tunes On Water?

...Are you only working there Cinco de Mayo, or is this normal employment that you just happen to be working Cinco de Mayo?

I think he was beaten and stabbed by 16 dudes. I don't claim to know anything about prison culture, but it seems like if 16 dudes decide all at once to beat you and stab you, you'd THINK you would've done something to provoke it, right? Can you imagine 16 dudes just eyeing the courtyard going, "now, which of these dudes should we beat up? Hmmmmmmm..... How about that guy?" I mean for 16 of them there must've been a reason. Could be a really fucking stupid reason, but I'm sure a reason none the less.

The odin comment made me laugh. >_> Though at first reading through the sentence I thought you actually meant the Norse god was furiously storming blood out of her, then I realized you were talking about our dear Odin with Crohns. >_>

Did/does he not have any MALE friends on the outside he could've asked to do that for him?

My dad does that too. He said it's something his manager at work told him to do years ago, and the habit stuck.

Holy shit why????

"Dearest Candy" I'm used to that "Dearest" only from mock civil war soldiers' letters to their wives back home on TV.

It says there's only 1 bidder, so I'm assuming the bidder made an initial bid, then later realized he wanted to make a higher one, and did so. Since no one bid against him, it still says the starting bid because the bidder's bid hasn't been challenged yet.

Having to look all professional for the office saves the day.

Once as a college student I got sick, I went outside, proceeded to vomit, and then went to the nurse's office. Eventually I had to take a shit, so when I pulled down my pants, there was a huge brown stain in my underwear, apparently I had diarrhea when I was convulsing from vomiting and didn't even know it. I just went "oh well," had more diarrhea (this time in the toilet), then went back to the bed in the nurse's office waiting for my parents to pick me up. So my parents pick me up, we go home, and I already know I had to change my underwear because of what I saw in the bathroom, so I took off my shorts, then noticed the shit stain "bled" all the way through my underwear and shorts. So anybody that saw me during my walk of shame from the nurse's office to my parents' car (there were students EVERYWHERE) could've very well noticed that I shit my pants.

At work?

Well really all pop music is mostly about sex, but most genres' mainstream artists tend to put it in a PG to PG-13 light, while rap tends to put it in a R - XXX light.

Billy Bob Thornton?

I've told you once before.... you bring upon yourself. If you don't want to be a target, then it might not be wise to paint one on your back... and your chest.