EmpressAngel

I think not celebrating it at all, because it's half a week removed from the actual holiday, would have beena better option. I definitely don't have plans, because Sunday will likely be the only day I get off that week.

But they're going out of their way to not tell people that she's dead when they flat out ask where she is. "She got crushed by a pipe and I got her liver" isn't a fun conversation, but these are folks who kill and eat people when there are other options; they can handle some bad news. This "oh, she's...not here anymore" misunderstanding crap is bad and the show should feel bad for doing it.

Grandpa can get it any day.

Titan- Kid I'm pretty sure you're just gonna destroy the wall more. Goddammit Mikasa you've failed me. This isn't how that lesbian wanted to get eaten. I like it when Eren gets eaten because Mikasa is a much better character to focus on. You're all going to die. I mean, he can't barbeque himself forever. Wow bald kid you sure are dumb. Meanwhile, Eren sucks and fails. I'm pretty sure it's called "Armor Titan" for a reason. I actually have to agree with Eren here, the whole series is their fault and they're the worst. I can enjoy Annie slapping him with a goddamn shotgun. Catfight! I'm sure he's supposed to be sounding all badass with his inner monologue here but he just sounds like a twelve-year old trying to be cool. Aim for his dick! Who needs arms, arms are for the weak. Please let them abduct Eren. I love glasses girl. Geese are evil, just let them take him out. I can't understand half the shit he's growling out. Legs are also for the weak, I guess. I mean, this isn't the weirdest gay porn I've ever seen. Whelp, you're all going to die. Ribs shouldn't detach like that. Ghoul- I am the terror that flaps in the night! That's a bunch of corpses. I'm already annoyed by this guy. Banjo Kazooie here has a really stupid beard. How does nobody know that bitch is dead? I think they just copied this music off the Dark Knight soundtrack. Can ghouls drink water? SHE'S DEAD, MORON. I think it's a little late for that message, dude. That was a nice window, you dick! Don't fight, you're both terrible. That's concerning. I hate this kid. That's the smell of our main character shitting his pants. Wow he sure got through you fast. On the plus side, her outfit is cute. This is excessive and annoying. They're gonna fuck. Old guy seems unconcerned. Wait that's a boy? Use him as a human shield. His new partner is cute and I don't automatically hate him yet, he's going to die. I hope the show takes its own advice and forgets he exists. The small child is probably less of a failure than the rest of you. AW FUCK IT'S HISOKA. Hunter- Well now I'm hungry. That's an easy one, he's already found some eyes. Killua and Gon are adorable and I love them. Meanwhile, bros being bros. Now, group hug! That still seems like some bullshit reasoning. Well the obvious answer is to beat Wham in a chariot race and take that antidote. Well he's gonna know now, since you're all sitting around together. NEVER TRUST HISOKA. Meanwhile, petty squabbling. Oh hey, that's my sister's birthday. This is definitely not shady at all. Aw shit he stole her power. Spiders don't fly, dumbass. I hope Hisoka's one of the dead ones. I guess that's an easy way to tell who dies. Man, maybe you shouldn't have killed all those people. You're right, you can't afford to lose all those boobs. No one should ever trust Hisoka. I'm with Killua here, it's time for a good old fashioned killing spree. I am genuinely surprised he didn't tell him to send nudes. Yeah that's not suspicious at all. Sounds like a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Looks like we're having baby stew tonight! Eat shit, Hisoka. Gundam- BB-8 Ball was definitely the best character. Didn't they do this exact same princess secret broadcast thing in Shirtless Jailbait Fights? So I guess Bananas died but then he got better because of the power of love or something? Whelp, this show left no impression on me whatsoever. Bring on the Lupin! Naruto- Methinks we mayhaps might have chanced the centipede. Is it too much to hope for these kids to get crushed? I wouldn't trust Naruto to teach a kid how to tie that headband. Okay I'd be lying if the stripper jutsu wouldn't work on me. I sure hope there weren't any civilians in those buildings that are being smashed to shit right now. I'm sure he'll find a way that's dumb bullshit that shouldn't work by any logical point. Just say he's not there, you morons. And then tentacles. Oh hey Crispin. Run away, dimwit child. And then he died. You guys are dying for nothing, I would sell out that kid for a single tic tac. God I hate kids. Maybe you shouldn't be wearing an excessively long and easily grabbable scarf, dumbass. If you get caught you have to face Mayuri's tentacle mouth. Oh what kind of bullshit is this. I do like seeing grandpa frog slap him around.

Dude have you seen Grandpa Joseph? Man aged like a goddamn fine wine, I'd be on that in a heartbeat.

But he might have a sudden change of heart after a solid decade of being a hemorrhoid on the community's ass and turn a new leaf any day now. We can't just turn him away when he might be on the incredibly unlikely verge of not being a terrible person. It's just like how if you continue to ignore a gaping, infected wound, it'll eventually fix itself and you'll be healthier than ever!

Titan- Back to the lesbians. Oh hey she's not dead. Nah I think it was perfectly understandable to keep her powers a secret since when y'all found out about Eren you tried to blow him right the hell up. I do like glasses girl. You have some real shitty luck, my dude. Half your damn squad is titans, you can't throw a dart without hitting a secret titan. Yeah that's not suspicious and ominous at all. That sure is some casual information there. Okay seriously, is anyone in this squad not a titan? Yeah sure just go with the dudes who are responsible for causing humanity's near-extinction. Levi, continuing to quietly hate everything. Eren you're dumb as shit you didn't believe the obvious bitch titan was the bitch titan. Oh yeah, when I get tired I always get confused and think I'm a giant murder monster. Eren is about to say yes and get himself kidnapped, because he is dumb. If I spent years around Eren I would absolutely hate humanity even more and want its immediate destruction. Mikasa's had enough of this shit. No don't kidnap the lesbian I liked her. Meanwhile Eren doing what he does best, sucking at everything. Ghoul- I don't care, show. Let's go kill a grandma. The briefcase is full of porn. You're going to get eaten, because you're stupid. Is this flashback supposed to make me give a shit? Yeah, because good people try to murder second-graders. Imagine that, the small child was sad about both her parents being brutally murdered. That bird is a Joestar. Why would you take her past the murder death alley? Don't fight, you're both fucking terrible and I hate you. This show has failed us all, man. This lady and her boobs are the least awful characters in this show. Oh god what the hell now. Oh hey, another character who doesn't give me a headache. I already hate this kid. Nobody gives a shit, random guy. One time when I was little we found an injured bird and we thought it would help to dunk it in our kiddy pool and surprise that really did not end well. Oh god what the hell now. Well that's what you get for trusting someone named Banjo. What a surprise her brother's evil. Hunter- KICK HIS ASS, SEXY DAD. Killed by balls is definitely how I wanna die. Oh this can't be a good thing. I don't trust this auction. This is definitely fake and you're all going to die. Goddammit Illumi why are you so creepy. Well this did not go as expected. Hey can you give sexy dad the antidote for that poison now? Go away Hisoka nobody likes you. At least they're not gonna kill Neon. Oh yeah this is gonna go well. GO AWAY HISOKA NOBODY LIKES YOU. That lady's got a great rack but her nose is distracting. That is a good plan for making shit-tons of money. You're all fools and you're about to die. Why would you make the copies actually look like you, wouldn't it make more sense to just make random bodies and claim they're the troupe? Oh nooooo it's the eyes this can't be good. I want to punch that guy. Aw fuck, he stole her power didn't he. That's not your item, you've been bamboozled. Kurapika needs a hug. They could have at least given him a ride. Don't fuck with Kurapika. Oh hey it's the hot idiot. Yaaay, they're friends now. "I learned a lot" means they banged. Quick mole girl, bring out your flute. I feel like things are about to get so much worse. Gundam- My desire is Joseph Joestar naked while I ignore this show. I also don't have time for this, man who fails to live up to his name. I do appreciate the giant mecha light saber. How is that douchey blond kid still alive? It seems excessive to wear a mask and a space helmet at the same time. I already told you my desire, it's Jojo banging every memory I have of this show out of my brain. Banana is tripping balls right now. You should probably rethink going on a vision quest with a masked dude named Full Frontal. I continue to have no idea what's going on in this goddamn show. Wasn't blond douche evil at the start of this episode? How was that not the end of the episode why are we still doing things. Yeah well we'd al like to have parents we aren't ashamed of but we're not that lucky. Naruto- Meanwhile, Naruto does absolutely nothing. They're not okay and it's your fault. She has great boobs but is really terrible at her job so I'm all for replacing her. Ino's dad has a mullet. If you scanned my brain there would just be so much porn. So is Kakashi dead or what. With your powers combined, I am Captain Planet! Naruto's gonna fuck that frog. Goddammit Naruto is there anything you don't fail at. Maybe you should have thought of that before you wasted weeks of time here. I do like that giant rhino. Ewwww slugs everywhere. I'd rather just die than deal with the slugs. Nooo don't hurt the giant devil puppy. Oh look, another magic log clone. I like the giant lucky cat statue. I've seen porn like this before. Whelp you're fucked. Okay the giant MURDER YACK and LOBSTER probably shouldn't be as funny as I find them.

Jonathan would cry the first time I made a dick joke at him and I can't deal with that. Yeah well last time hot dad wasn't doing anything besides sitting on a couch and not being a terrible parent, not much for me to work with there. Plus, Killua's bitch mom scares me and would absolutely kill me in a fight.

Like Poke said, Jonathan's personality was a big hurdle; he'd probably faint at the sight of a premarital boob. Joseph was only slightly less beefy but was a lot more fun and also a pervert. Killua's hot dad is buff as hell and does things for me, and it turns out he's got the same voice as my next Jojo boyfriend so that's a bonus I wasn't expecting. Hey now, I was into sexy dad back when we first saw him and Leorio still had screentime.

I'll probably have it on in the background while I knit and/or look at porn for half the night. ?

Jack- I just want Jack to be happy, show. YESSSS SCOTSFAM. Oh shit really about to go down. Yaaaaay the fish guys and the jumpers and even the dogs! OH MY GOD YES IT'S THE INTRO. You son of a bitch. Alright Scots you gotta go haunt Aku to death. None of these weapons are impressive enough. Ashi please wake up and help Jack. Noooo leave her alone don't make her do this. AWWWWWWWWWW I'm seriously tearing up here this is downright heartwarming. No, jump good! Even the 300 are back! Ashi you're really starting to piss me off now. No please don't kill all Jack's friends. Daaang, this girl flying on the giant bird. YESSSSSS BAGPIPES AND FLYING DEER. I am gonna marry that main daughter. Awww they finally get to see each other again. The biggest mystery in this entire series is how every single one of those daughters ended up beautiful. Awww that's cute Scots, you're cute. BIG O, IT'S SHOW TIME. Your dad's a dick, keep rebelling! Ohh that's probably not good. CELTIC MAGIC, ASSHOLE. Awwwww Jack this is gonna be heartbreaking. Fuck you, dad! This is going too well. We still have too many minutes for everything to be this simple. Even Aku is surprised! Is he actually dead for reals? Hey look, it's everybody! This is going WAY TOO WELL. Awwwwww she looks so pretty. SON OF A BITCH SHE WENT NIA ON US. JUST LET THE MAN BE HAPPY, SHOW. At least the ladybug is still your friend. Anybody else crying right now or just me? Titan- It snowed this week and it was terrible because it's goddamn May. I know how the lesbians can keep warm! I'm with Freckles here, just leave this guy in the snow. God this girl is adorable how did she get in this show? Freckles is an asshole. That's rough, kid. She wants to fuck you, girl. Carve out that guy's torso like a dead Taun Taun and you'll be fine. I can appreciate her lack of fucks to give. Shut up Eren. What a surprise, literally everyone with a name is going out to find them. Always bring the extra food! Awww, she's not a total bitch after all. Hey baby you ever fuck a titan before? Hey bro, sorry I ate your friend. Why are you surprised, half your damn squad is titans. Aww she's worried about her girlfriend that's actually sweet. Man, this show is so much better when most of Eren's screentime is replaced with cute lesbians. That sure is a whole bunch of titans. If the bitch lesbian dies it'd be the first time this show actually made me kinda sad. Oh hey Mikasa. Goddammit Eren you're ruining the cute lesbian moment! Oh that looks painful. That's a terrible name no wonder you use a fake one. Please don't die, lesbian. Ghoul- Dude the most helpful thing you could do is just stay the hell out of everyone's way. Don't kill the little kid, she's one of the few decent characters. This sure is depressing. Christ that mask is ugly as fuck. I could have gone my entire life without hearing that guy say something about spanking. Hey show, why is your main character so goddamn terrible in every way? Yeah we get it, someone he loved died got eaten, I don't care. Yeah we get it, who's the real monster here, I don't care. I feel like these fights are supposed to be leaving any kind of impression on me at all, but failing completely. Just let your dead bitch liver kill him for you that works. Who needs a hand, hands are for the weak. Oh hey that's nifty. Somebody just kill this douche already. "Well this went to shit in a hurry" also describes the entire show. Oh hey it's that one dude. Here, eat this dick. He was married, so what. Hunter- Your headband is stupid and your name is stupid. This could be going better. Oh no I hope mole girl's alright. Protect the cute goth girl at all costs. You should just leave all of this to Killua's sexy dad. Maybe don't shoot the doctor in the head. Everybody, take your pants off. No don't leave her, someone's going to attack immediately. It's sweet that he's so worried about them. Stay away from them, especially Hisoka. No kids don't fight. Well this fight is not going well at all. I still hate Hisoka most of all. Meanwhile, everyone dies. HI KILLUA'S SEXY DAD. Oh right that one dude got killed with office supplies. KICK HIS ASS, SEXY DAD. I really hope I don't get sexy dad killed here. Shit he's poisoned already. Joke's on you, he's not a whale. Sorry grandpa you might have to die. Aw crap he's got a Death Note. Grandpa's got some sweet moves. That seems like it would negate any advantage you got from stealing someone's abilities. Please don't die, sexy dad. His power is giant balls and I'm okay with that. Gundam- I hope the box just kills everyone. I feel like this isn't all Benedryl's fault, but I also feel like we can totally blame this all on Benedryl. Yeah, there's no safer idea than to trust the fate of humanity to two fourteen-year olds. Why is this blond dude still alive? Full Frontal continues to be the most disappointing name I've ever heard. I like the option where we punch grandpa for putting us through this. Sure whatever, take the box who gives a damn. Just use Benedryl as a meatshield. Naruto- You're not gonna stab him in the dick today, douche. RIDE THE LIGHTNING, BITCH. Lightning Ride is unavailable at the moment. Yes, use fat boy as a meatshield. Look with your special eyes! Fucking magnets, how do they work. It's a nice change of pace that the clone was made out of lightning for once instead of a random log. Fat dudes to the rescue. RIDE THE LIGHTNING, BITCH. Pretty sure that's another clone but okay. I'd probably rather just die than have a bunch of giant slugs slime themselves all over me. Genuinely surprised that Sakura's in charge and the entire building hasn't exploded yet. Bye fat dad. Oh hey not a clone and he's alive. Don't kill Kakashi I actually like him. I mean on the bright side, if you die in Naruto it means you don't have to be in Naruto anymore. Boobs. Oh hey, fat dad's not dead. Take me with you Kakashi don't leave me with this show alone.

Agreed, but Grandpa needs his rest. Jack- Impressive lungs on those two. I'd also suggest a shower. I feel like it's probably a bad idea to split up. This is going too well, something's about to go wrong. She is so cute. Me too, Ashi. Well this is adorable, I am concerned. I've had worse dates. I love tiny Jack. You sweet precious dork. Oh boy is it time for me to cry already? Oh my god, I love that robot. Aku speaker is amazing. It cracks me up that he calls Aku baby of all things. Oh man, you are late with this information. Yaaay he got his body back. Oh my god Aku is dancing. Hey Jack whatcha up to? Oh hey it's that one place from that one time. Oh no was that where that portal was? Oh no that guy's sweet shades. Jack's got some serious PTSD. OH BOY IT'S AKU TIME. Nooooo I liked him. At least Aku has the decency to not cockblock him. Wait did Aku really fuck that lady? Reminder to never accept a free drink from a shape-shifting monster of world-ruining evil. Aw shit this was going too well. I guess the story of how Aku magically impregnated some crazy cult lady is a good episode for Mother's Day. Oh that can't be good. THIS IS A VERY BAD THING. Hey remember how we went like three whole weeks without this show making us vicariously suicidal? Titan- Sorry lady you are definitely about to die. I would absolutely chug that entire bottle if I were him. Okay so that titan was definitely his mom. Oh fuck off Freckles you're an asshole. They're both real gay. Potato girl would approve of the midnight food run. Where did you learn how to read goddamn Russian? Just let that guy get drunk and hate his life at night like the rest of us. All these people are gonna die. Dude they kicked open the front door, I don't think a flimsy couch barricade is gonna hold. Hi there, do you have a minute to talk about the lord? EAT CANNON, FUCKER. Great job destroying the entire door, kids. Whelp there goes that kid. Owww his arm. Damn that kid is strong. Freckles with the save. At least let him drink some of that. Okay that was worth a shot. Ohh you just jinxed yourself. Noooo horsies. Fuck this titan guy. Really should have downed that booze when you had the chance. This is just the worst day. Yeah just throw a rock at them. She is just adorable. Freckles does not fuck around. At least kiss her before you go off on your suicide mission. Okay was half their damn class made of titans? Ghoul- That milf and her cute kid are like the only decent characters in this show, don't kill them. God, this kid is just fucking awful. Great job not calling her about her friend's tragic death, y'all. "I didn't think things could get any worse" is exactly how I feel watching this show every week. No, you should also pity this grade schooler who just violently lost both her parents within a day. What is up with that guy's eye? Yeah this seems like a normal conversation that human beings have. Nice bunny mask. Is it too much to hope that they all kill each other? Why does the creepy guy have Renji's whip-sword anyways. Well that sure was a pointless fight. Grandpa's kind of a douche. She just needs a tasty corpse to snack on. Oh hey after like 30 episodes our main character actually decides to maybe think about doing something. I'm sure there's been some time where I cared even less about a character dying, but damn if I can remember it. I hope this show ends with a meteor taking out the entire cast. That mask sure is ugly as fuck. Hunter- She's so cute! Oh something is about to go down in that bathroom. Damn it girl, don't sneak off in an obvious wig! Oh my god kid how are you this stupid. Hi, Killua's sexy dad! Who gets to be Mr. Pink? Sweet discount, thanks. Just sit back and let sexy dad handle this. Put a fucking leash on that girl. Shit is that the boss guy? Oh come on how the fuck did he get magic tracking chain powers too. This is not gonna end well. Her power is fun. I can't read Wingdings, show! Cry like the whiny baby you are. He is about to stab you in the gut. She's just adorable but so so stupid. Aaaaand shit's about to hit the fan. Whelp this guy's about to die. How shitty of an assassin are you when you get killed by a ballpoint pen. Now it's time for sexy dad to kill them all, right? Out of all of these amoral killers, I still fear Hisoka the most. This poor bastard got turned into a wall. Didn't Kikyo have a bunch of those things collecting souls for her? Ooh special classical music ED. Gundam- Would you believe my stream crapped out for several minutes and I didn't even notice? Whoever named these characters needs to be fired. This show just sucks out all the excitement that I had during Hunter. I also hated this kid from the moment I saw him. Is this a new thing or has she had psychic mind powers the whole time and I just didn't notice? Is it too much to hope that they all kill each other? Whelp there goes that lady. Don't go, woman you just blew right the hell up. At least she got to turn into a naked Force ghost. Look out for him, because god knows that kid shouldn't be trusted with a fork. This dude looks like I felt after my last hangover. Whatever's inside is definitely not worth the past 20-something episodes. These sure are words you guys are saying. The unicorn is hiding the box. Naruto- That corpse is about to rise off the table and start killing people. Protect that milf at all costs. You can go ahead and squash Sakura. Meanwhile, Naruto dicks around on a board. "Damn you, Naruto" is exactly how I feel watching this show every week. Of course the fat kid brought food. If you're putting Sakura in charge, everyone is going to die. Wow she knows basic triage, let her run the hospital. Holy shit, these old people actually sound reasonable in their desire to not get this specific targeted child murdered. Well I assume they'll treat him like a child as long as he's A LITERAL GODDAMN CHILD. Does this show only have one lady voicing all the old women? Lady I will believe in the Tooth Fairy before I believe in Naruto. Yeah that was a nice speech and all but I wouldn't trust most of those kids with a slightly sharp fork. You are goddamn terrible at your job. Whelp bye frog. How bad are you at your job when you get defeated by paper mache of all things. They all got dicks you can aim for, don't they? That is an excessive amount of giant slugs. Oh hey Kakashi. Are they different because they're fucking dead? Meanwhile I'd sell that kid to Satan for one corn chip.

Battle Can-Can is the only time I've ever seen an exploding light saber dildo, and that has to count for something.

Jack- Ashi is so cute I love her. Nothing says quality food like boiled teeth. I like the walrus. Jack your face is a fish. Not sure I trust this tiger gang. INNUENDO. I really hope they're not going for the romance thing here, he's 50+ years older than her. Whelp the tigers are gonna kill you. I do like how their spelling sweaters. Hats! Bye hats. This is an oddly spacious and technological cave. Welcome to Super Jail. Oh no that's poison. The poison sucking thing doesn't actually work in real life; don't do it. Congratulations, you're going to die here. Aw crap that looks nasty. Careful or you'll wind up with dick slugs like that guy from HxH. Oh hey, a magic weapon room that's helpful. Goddammit Ashi! Save us, Roomba. You should probably grab a couple extra weapons just in case. Aaaand there go her clothes. Oh jesus he's gonna have to give her the sex talk. Okay she does look adorable in that robe. Just throw the roomba at it and run. And then they died. Thanks, magic roomba. Jack no, she's young enough to be your grandkid. This might be the first time I've actually been disappointed for two characters to fuck. Titan- Somebody hug that boy. Oh yeah they're alive, they went to a nice farm upstate where they can chase bunnies and play with other villagers. What the fuck. And then your mom was a titan. Shut up, freckles. The little blonde girl is adorable. Maybe she just thinks you're cute. This is going too well, you're going to die. Well this sure is suspicious. Convenient moonlight to the rescue. Meanwhile, the people I actually enjoy and some stupid kids. SOYLENT WALL IS TITANS. Build that wall, Eren. Delivering that wall by night like a construction worker Santa Claus. Levi, continuing to not give a shit. Seriously, what the fuck is in that basement. I am genuinely impressed by Levi's resting bitch face. Kick his ass, science girl. Oh good you're not gonna tell us who it is. Yay potato girl. Awww she earned a biscuit. Oh hey it's the cute girl. How the fuck did they sneak up on you, they're 20 feet tall! Aw shit it's the creepy talking one. Levi has had enough of babysitting these kids. Knock knock it's death o'clock. Okay I can relate to this dude who just wants to get fucking hammered after work. Ghoul- Am I supposed to hope any of these people survive? Yes he's a zombie, you're all fucking zombies. I hope that was his jackoff arm because I want him to suffer. I'd be surprised if he hasn't sucked his own dick before, that's not a big deal for him. So then no, none of you are likable. Yeah just keep adding more cannibal zombies to this building, that can only end well. That bear has Joseph's scarf. It's just generic pliars, you can get it for like $15 at Home Depot. Whelp he's dead. Listen here you little shit or you're gonna get slapped. Never trust any man in a fancy suit in this show. Aw, you broke your tentacle dildo. Oh this ain't gonna end well for him. God I hate coworkers I don't give a shit about your personal failures just show up for your fucking shift, Maria. Nothing good happens at bookstores in this show. Well your dad doesn't know what life feels like anymore, so you've already got that on him. Oh no this is gonna go very, very badly. You stupid fucking kid. She evolved into Butterfree. Hunter- Please don't hurt my kids. Just don't leave them with Hisoka. Just let them go you're hurting him. Leave my precious son alone, I will fight you instead. Fight them, Gon! Fight them, Killua! Leave my kids alone. No don't break his arm, he just healed that. This is where Killua's sexy dad comes in and kills them all, right? Right, just let them go! That lady has a very large nose. Thank god he only learned how to do that chain thing like two days ago. The guy with the long ears is reasonable, he can live. FUCK YOU, LEAVE HIM ALONE. Good boy Gon. No let him go he doesn't wanna play with you. So then Dick Slugs was his best friend. Sorry you have to team up with Hisoka. Fuck off Illumi you're the worst brother. Kick his ass Killua I believe in you. Or not that's okay too you're still learning. Call your sexy dad and ask him to kill them for you. Awwww Killua you're so sweet let me hug you. AWWWWW YOU TWO. This is some sort of code that I'm way too stupid to figure out. HEY KOOL AID MAN. Fuck your walls, asshole! They're so smart I love them. Yaaaay they escaped. Gundam- Wait is beard man dead now I wasn't paying attention. I've lost track of this show so much that the five-minute long recaps don't do me any good anymore. "Where's the unicorn?!" is exactly what I thought when I realized there weren't any actual unicorns in this show. Just some dude living in a mecha in the woods and eating candy bars. I don't remember much about these people but fuck them. I still cannot follow the fights in this series and the fact that it's like one in the morning doesn't help. "Why are the Gundams fighting each other?" is a confusing question I cannot give you an answer for, kid. Yeah just throw the princess out of the airlock, that's what this plan is right? Sorry lady I know you're still probably bleeding internally but we need you be a meatshield. Hey kid, wanna start a suicide pact? Naruto- Son of a bitch it's those kids. Is the show back in filler already? And then the murder started. Instead of offing these random redshirts, take out one of the many people I hate. I feel like this guy is about to learn something he shouldn't and then die. Just let the boy eat some noodles, even I feel bad about all the bug meals. I will watch that frog beat the shit out of him any time. Ya gotta fuck the frog, kid. Meanwhile, everyone is dead. You mean the chakra receivers are receiving chakra? That is exactly how my brain feels when I watch Naruto filler. Oh, is that guy her dad? Me thinks we mayhaps might have chanced the centipede. Yeah that's real nice but you probably shouldn't waste energy healing this kid's skinned knee. I too am comforted by the presence of giant boobs. I think you're a little late on that alarm.

CONGRATULATIONS Seriously though good job I'm proud of you.

Jack- Did he shave or is this a flashback. Awwwww it's a cute little sheep. Awwwwww there's more of them! Fuck you Aku just let him be happy. Oh you bag of dicks. He's such a troll. Noooo not the adorable sheep things. Ohhh that's how he lost his sword. Dang that's a big hole. Maybe anchor that bird down so it doesn't fly off. Wait what it's a sword it doesn't just grow legs and walk off. AWWWW BIRD LOVES ASHI. This is a more introspective quest than I expected. Kill them all, Ashi. Meanwhile, Jack is tripping balls. I'm kinda lost here myself, ghost monk guy. Don't fuck with Ashi. Holy shit, girl. Meanwhile, tea time. Yaaaaay bird friend is back. She's so amazing I love her. Oh fuck you lady I'm her mother now. Kill her Ashi, she's the worst. Damn, Ashi does not fuck around. Now come here and let me hug you. Jack sucks at tea. Inner mind Jack is a douche. Man I wish therapy worked like that for me. Oh hey it's the god dudes. Yay he shaved and got his old outfit back. YAAAAY SWORD. Oh no please be okay. I'm so proud of both of you. Titan- That projectile horse still cracks me up. Oh hey it's that one guy who's not terrible. Butters is suspicious. Why would they make the walls out of titans at all that just seems like you're asking for them to go rogue one day and kill everyone. The best part of this show is definitely Levi not giving absolutely a fuck. New plan, Levi and glasses lady use the others as meat shields to ensure their own safety. Shut up, Eren. Shoot the priest! I love this girl she's the best. There are like four characters I actually have any desire to see survive. Her dad sounds like he's doing a lackluster John Wayne impression. If Jojo taught me anything, it's to be suspicious of squirrels. Oh that is probably not a good thing. Somebody's having a rough day. LET ME AXE YOU A QUESTION. Sorry lady you're gonna die and that kid is traumatized for life. Bye horse. This is not gonna end well. Freckles here is kind of an asshole. This girl is adorable. I don't like your odds againt the murder monster with just a bow and arrow. She's one of the few characters I actually like please don't kill her. FUCK YOUR EYES. Oh hey horsey. Oh hey it's her dad. So all I gotta do is take down a cannibal monster and I'll stop being the family disappointment? Meanwhile, Cueball's having a bad day. Oh that is not normal. Ghoul- This show gives me a headache. Why is he sitting on a chair on top of a crane. Now I'm hungry. Big deal I eat myself sick off of mac and cheese every couple days. He's so dramatic but in a really cringy way instead of any kind of fun way. Just let them kill him. Just eat a corpse you dumb bastard. That seems like a fantastically bad idea, lady. Oh yeah who cares how many innocent bystanders he murders as long as you can still fuck you boyfriend, even I have more self respect than that. And the cringing continues. Kid I wouldn't trust you to bring back a pizza. I'm so tired, show. Thank you girl for making him shut up. I'm finding it really hard to care about any of this. I'm fine with it if they all just kill each other right here. It's only been twenty minutes and yet it feels like I've been watching this for an hour. Yep that sure is a sad backstory I guess. Why couldn't you just get him a corpse to snack on. Usually asking someone to eat you ends in a much different way. Congratulations, you're all dead. I feel like I'm supposed to be sad but really I could not give less of a fuck. Eat shit, dude. Hunter- I got a bad feeling about this. I do like Killua's sexy dad. Oh hell no, one Hisoka is more than enough trouble. This is not a date, somebody's going to die. Psychic girl is very cute and I'm worried for her safety. Don't worry kiddo you'll get your creepy mummy. You know what that means, fake mustaches for everyone. That seems like a bad idea. That means all ten shadowbeasts are dead. Oh fuck are they calling in sexy dad am I gonna get him killed? Go for it kids, catch those guys I'm sure you'll do your best. You've jinxed it, something's definitely about to go wrong. I am concerned for my children here. Definitely a trap, it's always a trap. Well you guys have killed a bunch of people, I'm sure there's plenty of personal grudges. Not as unrelated as you'd think. I AM CONCERNED FOR MY CHILDREN. OH NO LEAVE MY KIDS ALONE. Owwww his legs. Please don't hurt them they're adorable children. I got a real bad feeling about this. Gundam- Somebody just shoot Benedryl already. I do like the robot ball friend. Here kid have a flask. You can never go wrong with cake but ice cream is good too. Yep you're terrible and you should feel bad. Get in the robot, Shinji. Bitches are crazy, kid. And then this plan went straight to hell, because of course it did. Yes just shoot the kid and destroy the robot already. I have no idea who's fighting who anymore. Full Frontal is the most disappointing name I've ever heard. Naruto- Naruto, continuing to be a dumbass. Porn man was a lot more tolerable as a kid than Naruto is. Eww don't eat the bugs. This is boring hit him with th stick again. I'm falling asleep it's been a long day. I feel like sparring with frogs isn't really a hard task. Oh great the annoying ones are back. Why is my boyfriend still a kid when does he turn back into a grown man. God, go fuck yourself Sasuke. Okay I do like the messenger lizard. Imagine having to explain to people that you got your spine broken by an elderly frog. I like this angry guy he gets shit done. Boobs. Okay mayonnaise on potatoes sounds like a crime punishable by death. Kid's got a point, I get sore from my boobs too. Naruto is by far the least interesting part of Naruto. At least toad mode gives him some great eyeshadow.

If you can't sell a "school girls bounce around a vague plot" show in fucking Japan of all places, you deserve to fail.

Maybe Joseph's heart stopped for a second there while he was plummeting back to Earth and bleeding out from his missing hand, but he got better because he is the only man my curse cannot kill. Jack- IT'S THE WOOLIES. Who needs a door when you have a perfectly good window. Oh hey that guy's alive. I love him. Everybody loves Jack. Ohh it's the dog archer guys. This robot guy is amazing he's cracking me up. Welcome to the Salty Spitoon, how tough are ya? :D He said "penis" and I'm a mature adult. Oh hey it's the brainwashed kid rave. It's nice to have an episode that actually makes me happy instead of vicariously suicidal on Jack's behalf. Aww look at her dance. Okay well that wasn't really helpful at all but thanks for the music. This lady is terrible I'm your mother now, Ashi. AWWW SHE LOOKS SO CUTE. Oh no don't talk to Aku. Thank you, convenient loud guys. IT'S DOGS. Okay that one is clearly just Astro from The Jetsons. Sorry, back to square one for you. Oh hey it's that other guy from that other time. Bandaid guy. Dude you were never badass but I'm glad things worked out for you. Oh dammit not him. Oh nooooo that's a real ominous graveyard. JACK NO DON'T DO IT. Fuck you, creepy ghost samurai. For the love of god, give that man a hug already. Okay snap out of it and help her. Awwwwww. Now, go find your sword and kill Aku! Titan- They could have given me sexy grandpa Joseph Joestar now but nope let's go back to the kids getting eaten. I have forgotten most of this show. Did they ever figure out what was in that fucking basement? What the FUCK is that. It's probably a bad idea to build a wall out of the giant murder monsters that want to eat everyone, but then again I'm not an architect. This OP is much less fun than the old one. Okay if this show actually follows through with that DINOSAUR in the OP I will take back everything I've ever said about it. The cover story is fuck you, shut up. Just kick that guy off the wall. Glasses girl really does not fuck around, I like her. Oh hey, potato girl! I dunno those might be some pretty mean bears. Whelp that sure is a lot of titans. I sure hope those horses are faster than the giant murder monsters. I think Cueball broke. That is also how run when I smell food. Oh right, Eren's the main character. Oh hey there Butters. No one hates Attack on Titan like Levi hates Attack on Titan. This guy is definitely about to die. What the FUCK is that. Horsey no! Okay that projectile horse should not have been so funny to me. Whelp he's dead. What the fuck did it just talk. This is weird. Dude I really don't like your odds here. Oh this is not gonna end well. Ghoul- Now, more cannibals. Never trust a man in a pimp suit speaking gratuitous French. I like the cute little octopus hot dogs. I'd pretty much rather die than have to give up bread. I need an adult. Ladybug wants nothing to do with this. Don't date him he'll kill you. Oh, you miss that girl who tried to eat him and got him turned into a half-zombie? This will not end well for you, kid. FIGHTIN' TIME. This guy is pretty cute and punched the annoying kid he is automatically my favorite and I fear for his life. Oh hey she's cute too. Kid you're a murder zombie I don't think age really matters. I'd assume the two are technically different species and couldn't make babies together. Well she was a gluttonous murder bitch, I'm sure a lot of people wanted her dead. Don't trust him, he's going to fuck and/or murder you, in no particular order. I am uncomfortable. At least you'll look nice when he butchers you like a goddamn hog. You are going to die now. What in the fuck. My brain hurts. No seriously, what the hell am I watching? Again, never trust a man in a pimp suit speaking gratuitous French. They cancelled One Piece for this. Hunter- Meanwhile, these dorks play around online. Gon no you sweet idiot what are you doing. I feel like that was a bad idea. That's sharp and pointy. It's okay idiot you're still pretty. Show if I wanted to see extreme auctioning I'd spend my day off watching a Pawn Stars marathon with my dad. Man these kids are really bad at this investing thing. They are just adorable little swindlers. I don't trust this guy and his wood interest. Eyebrows. What's in the box! Oh jesus, it's actually the bald guy from Pawn Stars. I like this guy but his little pink jacket is dumb. That's a terrible bet I don't want your life. OH DAMN that's a lot of gold. Kiddo 20% sounds totally fair. We won't give you money, but we'll let you bang our hot idiot friend. He's a good guy and I like him. I hope Gon can buy his license back. That is a lot of effort for Gon to find his shitty dad when he could just accept me as his parent. That's nice he just wants his old shit back. Yaaay you made a friend. Well you two are adorable and a delight to be around, I'd do everything I could to help you too. LOOK WITH YOUR SPECIAL EYES. Everyone loves Gon. Dude you barely passed the exam with the entire group carrying you, what are you gonna do on your own against the villains? Gundam- I liked the magic mecha light better when it was in Eureka Seven. I'm glad that lady continues to surprise me by being alive. Just open the damn box already and get it over with. I'm cool with it if everybody just wants to kill each other. This is all just because Benedryl couldn't handle his teenage boner. That mask still looks stupid. Surprise everybody, without the mask he looks exactly the same only with two inches around his eyes exposed. Make sure you turn on speakerphone for this confession. Yeah, fuck the earth! Yeah yeah revenge only causes more revenge it's a tragic cycle and all that. So are they finally gonna open the box now? I'd probably understand more if I wasn't busy seeing how many leftover Cadbury eggs I can eat in one sitting and hope I go into a coma before Naruto starts. Naruto- Frog dude I tell that kid to die every goddamn week. I don't think there's enough Adderall in the world to make Naruto sit still for twenty minutes. Yeah go ahead and just slather yourself up with magic frog lube that makes as much sense as anything. I am uncomfortable. Frogruto would actually be an improvement for this show. I guess turning into a rock would make you more connected with nature. Okay I would definitely enjoy watching Grandpappy Frogger beat the shit out of Naruto with that stick for entire episodes. I still don't really understand how the clones make him train faster. Watching an elderly frog beat an obnoxious teenager with a stick is just as entertaining as I'd hoped. Gross. Here, benchpress this unfortunate outcome of someone else's catastrophic failure to improve. Oh hey it's flytrap guy. Oh right, Sasuke was doing something that I didn't care enough to remember. Here, it's your teacher's first porn. That story was better than the show it's in. Yeah yeah, everyone was a whiny emo teen that no one understood. I can respect a man whose goal was to unite the world via porn. Goddammit Sasuke you had one job! Nah it's kinda funny, dude.

The narrator says he drifts through space for all eternity and eventually goes braindead. Crusaders will be horrifying because I assume I will latch onto yet another character only to watch him die way too soon, as is my curse in life.

Ah yeah I see where you're coming from now. I am concerned about what kind of strain his heart can take at an old age so I've already picked another main boyfriend for part 3.

This show could do no wrong for me the moment Joseph and his ridiculous goddamn buff arms showed up. Jack- That tree loooks ominous. Wait is that a flock of Scotsmen? Oh dang that's a lot of angry Scotswomen. SCOTSMAN!!!!!! Oh dang his daughter's cute. They're all his daughters that's adorable. I love Sassy Aku. Noo not the Scotsfamily. AWWWW SCOTS I LOVE HIM. That wheelchair is actually just to transport his massive balls of steel. SCOTS NOOOO WHY DOES EVERYTHING I LOVE DIE. Now kick his ass as a ghost. Please team up with the Scotsfam, Jack. That girl has some real issues. Fuck you, lady. Jack is just the best. Awww the eel is his friend. Please somebody hug Jack. He is having none of your shit today, kid. Oh my god this is adorable. Aku is a dick, kiddo. That is a fantastic outfit. Again, diiiiiiick. You gotta find his sword. At least someone's alive. Well that's terrible. They're just kids, so remember to aim low. And then they died. I am uncomfortable. Where is Scotsfam? I'm sure there is already porn of this. Kick his ass! Iron Man really let himself go. I think Jack broke. At least the kids are okay. Jojo- Obligatory FUCK YOU, KARS. Shut up Stroheim this is your fault. Just an ordinary set of hooters, nothing to see here. I don't like that squirrel's odds. What the fuck, hand squirrel. This is the weirdest goddamn show. Oh my god, Nazi vs squirrel. Aw fuck the sun doesn't work on him. Fuck you and your incredible goddamn hair, you fabulous asshole. Kars laughing is unsettling. Whelp, we're all fucked. Jojo having a plan makes me even more concerned. KICK HIS ASS, BABY. Oh my god you beautiful dork. Fuck you Kars at least let me bang him first. Smokey is such a good kid I love him. QUIT FLAPPIN, YOU SON OF A BITCH. Thanks narrator but I'm pretty sure Joseph was already physical perfection. Where the hell did that plane come from. Jojo where the fuck did you learn to fly a plane!? Hey baby wanna join the Mile High Club with me? And then he died...wait no false alarm. Obligatory fuck you, Kars. I would trust Speedwagon with my life. Just let me motorboat those goddamn pecs and I'll kick his ass for you. Oh right lava, he's surprisingly smart. Speedwagon needs a hug. Fucking piranhas what the shit. And then tentacles. Wait if that's a dummy where the hell is Jojo. I'll go down on you, baby. Please show just let him live. FUCK YOU, KARS. What the fucking shit. Literally the only time SURPRISE NAZI has been a good thing. Come here Speedwagon let me hug you. Owwww his legs. No seriously, how the fuck does von Stroheim work. OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE KARS JUST DIE ALREADY. Jojo Again- This is some bullshit just melt already. This is going too well. Oh shiiiiiiiit. NO NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL BUFF ARM. Man, I hope that wasn't his jackoff hand. This is just a really bad day for my boyfriend. I wanted to hear him scream but not like this. This sounds like bullshit but I'm way too dumb to refute it. NOT NOW NARRATOR, JOJO IS BLEEDING OUT. So then Dio was really his fault too, man fuck this guy. Quick, throw the Nazi at him and run. NO NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL LEGS. Fucking fight me Kars, I can still kick your ass. Oh come on at least show me his dick once before he dies. Oh right he still has the stone. EAT SHIT, KARS. I love this song. God I'm gonna fuck that. Uhhh you might wanna get off the flying death rock. Oh hey it's his arm. I love you, you fucking beautiful nerd. EAT SPACE, FUCKER. Now give that boy a break. Seriously babe, get off the plummeting death rock. Noooo why does everything I love have to die. How did Stroheim get back he's just a torso. Hahahahah, space doesn't work like that you dumb bastard. I am genuinely happy he suffered. Aaaaaand now I'm crying. Wait the one trainer dude survived? SURPRISE, MY BOYFRIEND LIVED. Joseph you beautiful goddamn asshole. Sooo question, does that hand vibrate because BOY HOWDY can I work with that. Wait what they got married? I'm not saying I hope they break up but I am saying that if they hit a rough patch he can call me and I'll show him how much of a banana I can fit in my mouth. Remember Joseph, you don't have to hear that painful accent if your dick is constantly down her throat. I'm glad Lisa Lisa moved on. Awww Erina let me hug you. Speedwagon was a gift to the world and we truly did not deserve him. I'm so proud of Smokey. Still not sad about the Nazi dying, show. HOLY SHIT SEXY GRANDPA Joseph aged like a goddamn fine wine. Good god spank me with that metal hand grandpa-okay wow that's something I did not need to know about myself. OH FUCKDAMMIT IS THAT DIO. Hunter- Well that answers my previous question. You're gonna have to be more specific there kid, he's killed a whole lot of people. Pretty sure he gets a murder boner for that, dude. That's fine, arms are for the weak. Kurapika looks angry this is probably not good. Owwwww your arm. Oh damn that was a sweet move. Yes please explain because I'm kinda really dumb. Yeah dude that's literally what he said like ten minutes ago. Well that sure doesn't seem overpowered as shit or anything. Oh hey a flashback to that one guy. I'm not really sure how this contract thing makes sense but let's pretend I do. Man, Joseph really could have used a trick like that for his arm. Yeah you're probably gonna die but at least your dick's not full of slugs anymore. Sorry kiddo I don't think he's gonna talk. It's because he's a terrible person. Whelp so much for that guy. You should probably chop off his head just to be safe. Kurapika's much nicer than me, I would have just pissed on his corpse and left him there. Gundam- Just tell me what's in the box already, is it fun attachments for Jojo's hand? These recaps really are the only way I can keep any kind of track of this show. There's only so many ways I can say Benedryl is terrible and I hate him. Still surprised this blond kid is not dead yet. I mean yeah I could try harder to pay more attention, or I could waste half the night looking at Jojo memes and I think we all know which thing is gonna win there. Naruto- Frogs are gonna make that lady sad forever now. I have heard that exact line in porn many times. How much shame must you feel if Naruto figures something out before you. Yeah it's no big deal at all they're only trying to decode your dead teacher's final message that he gave his life to send you. Kakashi, just hanging outside the window reading porn. You are a grown man, you can read porn out loud for the greater good. Well that's somewhat less than helpful. Shikamaru continues to be the only tolerable kid. Oh my god Naruto, just fuck off. Just let him to so he's out of the way for a couple weeks. Whelp, y'all are fucked. And thus the world was saved because of porn. OH FUCK IT'S THE GODDAMN FILLER FROGS. Hakuna Matata, kid. I'd rather just die I think. Now I just want ice cream. Okay I'd trust Grandpappy Frogger to beat all six of the villains way before Naruto. I am completely okay with that.

Okay I have spent 20 minutes trying to figure out how that relates to my grandpa thirst and am drawing a blank here.

This show broke my mind in ways I never could have predicted. Part 3 is gonna be fuuuuun. ?

I didn't expect I'd be into senior citizens for several more decades and I wish I didn't learn this about myself.