EmpressAngel

Ah yeah I see where you're coming from now. I am concerned about what kind of strain his heart can take at an old age so I've already picked another main boyfriend for part 3.

This show could do no wrong for me the moment Joseph and his ridiculous goddamn buff arms showed up. Jack- That tree loooks ominous. Wait is that a flock of Scotsmen? Oh dang that's a lot of angry Scotswomen. SCOTSMAN!!!!!! Oh dang his daughter's cute. They're all his daughters that's adorable. I love Sassy Aku. Noo not the Scotsfamily. AWWWW SCOTS I LOVE HIM. That wheelchair is actually just to transport his massive balls of steel. SCOTS NOOOO WHY DOES EVERYTHING I LOVE DIE. Now kick his ass as a ghost. Please team up with the Scotsfam, Jack. That girl has some real issues. Fuck you, lady. Jack is just the best. Awww the eel is his friend. Please somebody hug Jack. He is having none of your shit today, kid. Oh my god this is adorable. Aku is a dick, kiddo. That is a fantastic outfit. Again, diiiiiiick. You gotta find his sword. At least someone's alive. Well that's terrible. They're just kids, so remember to aim low. And then they died. I am uncomfortable. Where is Scotsfam? I'm sure there is already porn of this. Kick his ass! Iron Man really let himself go. I think Jack broke. At least the kids are okay. Jojo- Obligatory FUCK YOU, KARS. Shut up Stroheim this is your fault. Just an ordinary set of hooters, nothing to see here. I don't like that squirrel's odds. What the fuck, hand squirrel. This is the weirdest goddamn show. Oh my god, Nazi vs squirrel. Aw fuck the sun doesn't work on him. Fuck you and your incredible goddamn hair, you fabulous asshole. Kars laughing is unsettling. Whelp, we're all fucked. Jojo having a plan makes me even more concerned. KICK HIS ASS, BABY. Oh my god you beautiful dork. Fuck you Kars at least let me bang him first. Smokey is such a good kid I love him. QUIT FLAPPIN, YOU SON OF A BITCH. Thanks narrator but I'm pretty sure Joseph was already physical perfection. Where the hell did that plane come from. Jojo where the fuck did you learn to fly a plane!? Hey baby wanna join the Mile High Club with me? And then he died...wait no false alarm. Obligatory fuck you, Kars. I would trust Speedwagon with my life. Just let me motorboat those goddamn pecs and I'll kick his ass for you. Oh right lava, he's surprisingly smart. Speedwagon needs a hug. Fucking piranhas what the shit. And then tentacles. Wait if that's a dummy where the hell is Jojo. I'll go down on you, baby. Please show just let him live. FUCK YOU, KARS. What the fucking shit. Literally the only time SURPRISE NAZI has been a good thing. Come here Speedwagon let me hug you. Owwww his legs. No seriously, how the fuck does von Stroheim work. OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE KARS JUST DIE ALREADY. Jojo Again- This is some bullshit just melt already. This is going too well. Oh shiiiiiiiit. NO NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL BUFF ARM. Man, I hope that wasn't his jackoff hand. This is just a really bad day for my boyfriend. I wanted to hear him scream but not like this. This sounds like bullshit but I'm way too dumb to refute it. NOT NOW NARRATOR, JOJO IS BLEEDING OUT. So then Dio was really his fault too, man fuck this guy. Quick, throw the Nazi at him and run. NO NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL LEGS. Fucking fight me Kars, I can still kick your ass. Oh come on at least show me his dick once before he dies. Oh right he still has the stone. EAT SHIT, KARS. I love this song. God I'm gonna fuck that. Uhhh you might wanna get off the flying death rock. Oh hey it's his arm. I love you, you fucking beautiful nerd. EAT SPACE, FUCKER. Now give that boy a break. Seriously babe, get off the plummeting death rock. Noooo why does everything I love have to die. How did Stroheim get back he's just a torso. Hahahahah, space doesn't work like that you dumb bastard. I am genuinely happy he suffered. Aaaaaand now I'm crying. Wait the one trainer dude survived? SURPRISE, MY BOYFRIEND LIVED. Joseph you beautiful goddamn asshole. Sooo question, does that hand vibrate because BOY HOWDY can I work with that. Wait what they got married? I'm not saying I hope they break up but I am saying that if they hit a rough patch he can call me and I'll show him how much of a banana I can fit in my mouth. Remember Joseph, you don't have to hear that painful accent if your dick is constantly down her throat. I'm glad Lisa Lisa moved on. Awww Erina let me hug you. Speedwagon was a gift to the world and we truly did not deserve him. I'm so proud of Smokey. Still not sad about the Nazi dying, show. HOLY SHIT SEXY GRANDPA Joseph aged like a goddamn fine wine. Good god spank me with that metal hand grandpa-okay wow that's something I did not need to know about myself. OH FUCKDAMMIT IS THAT DIO. Hunter- Well that answers my previous question. You're gonna have to be more specific there kid, he's killed a whole lot of people. Pretty sure he gets a murder boner for that, dude. That's fine, arms are for the weak. Kurapika looks angry this is probably not good. Owwwww your arm. Oh damn that was a sweet move. Yes please explain because I'm kinda really dumb. Yeah dude that's literally what he said like ten minutes ago. Well that sure doesn't seem overpowered as shit or anything. Oh hey a flashback to that one guy. I'm not really sure how this contract thing makes sense but let's pretend I do. Man, Joseph really could have used a trick like that for his arm. Yeah you're probably gonna die but at least your dick's not full of slugs anymore. Sorry kiddo I don't think he's gonna talk. It's because he's a terrible person. Whelp so much for that guy. You should probably chop off his head just to be safe. Kurapika's much nicer than me, I would have just pissed on his corpse and left him there. Gundam- Just tell me what's in the box already, is it fun attachments for Jojo's hand? These recaps really are the only way I can keep any kind of track of this show. There's only so many ways I can say Benedryl is terrible and I hate him. Still surprised this blond kid is not dead yet. I mean yeah I could try harder to pay more attention, or I could waste half the night looking at Jojo memes and I think we all know which thing is gonna win there. Naruto- Frogs are gonna make that lady sad forever now. I have heard that exact line in porn many times. How much shame must you feel if Naruto figures something out before you. Yeah it's no big deal at all they're only trying to decode your dead teacher's final message that he gave his life to send you. Kakashi, just hanging outside the window reading porn. You are a grown man, you can read porn out loud for the greater good. Well that's somewhat less than helpful. Shikamaru continues to be the only tolerable kid. Oh my god Naruto, just fuck off. Just let him to so he's out of the way for a couple weeks. Whelp, y'all are fucked. And thus the world was saved because of porn. OH FUCK IT'S THE GODDAMN FILLER FROGS. Hakuna Matata, kid. I'd rather just die I think. Now I just want ice cream. Okay I'd trust Grandpappy Frogger to beat all six of the villains way before Naruto. I am completely okay with that.

Okay I have spent 20 minutes trying to figure out how that relates to my grandpa thirst and am drawing a blank here.

This show broke my mind in ways I never could have predicted. Part 3 is gonna be fuuuuun. ?

I didn't expect I'd be into senior citizens for several more decades and I wish I didn't learn this about myself.

HOLY SHIT SEXY GRANDPA

Remember Joseph, you don't have to hear that painful accent if your dick is constantly in her mouth!

I'm not saying I hope they break up but I am saying that if they hit a rough patch he can call me and I'll show him how much of a banana I can fit in my mouth.

EAT SPACE, FUCKER.

NO NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL BUFF ARMS whut

Oh my god, the fucking squirrel.

Last night for me to look at how pretty he is. [super pretty, dang]

He doesn't even have sleeves, we're fucked!

Yeah I get that, but "slugs up the dickhole" is a real turnoff regardless of the circumstances behind it.

Jack- Jack continues to need a hug. Steal her shoes at least. Fuck you, birds! Oh kiddo, you tried. Oh jesus what the fuck is that. I'm glad Jack is showing an emotion besides depression. Eww I wouldn't sit on that. Aaaand she's crazy. I like the return of sassy Jack. I'd just let the monsters kill her, because I'm kind of a terrible person. And then the drugs kicked in. I'm with the talking fluff here, just ditch her. And then the crab got her. I'm with Inner Douche Jack here, just ditch her. Oh my god girl just shut up for like ten minutes. Jack is truly a goddamn saint. He's such a dork I love him. Okay I would definitely just ditch her out of spite now. Quick, throw the girl at the monsters and escape! JUMP GOOD. Oh you little bitch you better not stab him. Ladybug to the rescue. Yay Jack made a friend. AHHHHHHH SCOTS NEXT WEEK. Jojo- Narrator can't believe this shit either. Tell him his hair is stupid I bet he'll flip right the fuck out. Hey maybe anybody down there could help out. I don't know who voices Stroheim but I bet he had a great time doing it. Owww. Just whip your dick out and beat him with it. God, just fuck me now. Aaaaand then he set himself on fire, because he is not good at planning. Fight me, you piece of shit. FIGHT ME, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Hot damn do I love him. Houdini would be proud. Punch him right in the dick, just obliterate it. Now put your face in my boobs and relax, you've earned it. EAT SHIT, KARS. Shut up Nazi you're gonna jinx it. Good lord, that shirt is just painted on. Guys I think it's time you all sat down and gave Jojo a long explanation about everything. Smokey is such a good kid I'm glad he's here. Someone tell that poor boy about his family. Flashback! Jojo's dad was cute. Awwwwwwww baby Joseph! GODDAMMIT DIO I KNEW THIS WAS YOUR FAULT SOMEHOW. Oh this is bullshit. In a perfect world, Jonathan and Erina and Speedwagon would have lived happily ever after together and Joseph would have grown up with both his parents. Baby Joseph was goddamn adorable. I love Lisa Lisa so much. Oh fuck that's why she faked her death. Aaaaand I'm crying. All of these people need a hug. Oh right, Nazis fighting vampires in the background. FUCK YOU, KARS. Where was he even hiding that mask? Whelp, we're all fucked now. Speedwagon gets to Roundabout again! Ghoul- I think I missed something here. Welcome to Starbucks, kid. I still don't like friend's odds of survival here. "I won't explain anything to you but I'm annoyed that you don't know anything!" It's a pair of pliers, you dimwits. Yeah this guy totally isn't evil as shit. Learn how to eat shit you don't like, kid. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE. We're getting corpses, dumbass. God this kid is just terrible at everything. This show moves at the breakneck pace of cold molassas. Am I supposed to like either of these kids? I'm not even gonna ask why we're shopping for creepy fetish masks now. Yeah nothing helps you blend in with normal society like a fucking sex mask. Maybe you'd get more information if you didn't immediately kill everyone after three words. Small children shouldn't drink coffee. That doctor really should have put more thought into that whole monster organ transplant thing. What an adorable moment between bloodthirsty demons. That is a fine pimp suit. Aw fuck it's Hisoka. Hunter- DON'T TRUST HISOKA. At least mole girl is safe. Oh this a bad idea you're gonna suffer for this. This girl is super cute. This dude's got good instincts, being the leader seems like a great way to die. Dude they're all nen users of course he died. This girl has the self preservation instincts of a lemming. DICK SLUGS. That's almost enough beer to make a Naruto filler episode bearable. Just jump out the window. I am genuinely not sure if I find him attractive or not but those dick slugs are gonna be a point against him. Really should have gotten that girl out of the city ASAP. Dude stop talking you're gonna get her kidnapped. Meanwhile, shenanigans. I'm not good at math but I'm pretty sure you need more money. Just put the hot idiot on the corner and whore him out for cash. These dudes seem shady don't trust them. FIGHT CLUB. What in the fuck is this guy. Oh hey it's the spider people. This is probably not gonna end well for somebody. So is that guy still full of dick slugs or what? Gundam- God this kid is just the worst. I'm already confused, dude. Why did you guys leave the giant robot-sized door wide open? I still don't know what that box actually is. Okay I missed like half this episode because the official AS stream is a janky piece of garbage, but I feel like I didn't really miss much. I liked this "teenage boy falls ass-first into a mecha with a weird space girl" thing better when it was called Eureka Seven. Yeah go ahead and shoot at the giant robot with your tiny handgun that'll work. Naruto- I do enjoy seeing Naruto suffer. Good man, first priority was writing more porn. I feel like it was a bad idea to bring the enemy corpse there. I'm more surprised that porn man didn't just drown that kid in the river years ago. Never turn down free food, you are weak and a disappointment. Oh hey, it's the only kid that's not fucking terrible. I do like her shoes. And her boobs. Meanwhile, Naruto continues to be the worst part of his own show. Kid, every side of you is terrible and you should feel bad. Shut up and eat your popsicle. Why does everything have to be a cryptic riddle, if I ever need to leave a complex code for my loved ones to figure out it's gonna be based on my bra size. Please tell me the code is based on her bra size. Best kid doesn't have time for this. Oh hey it's the hot lady. Jesus you're a fucking idiot. I'm happy that the hot dude got to hit that at least once before he died. I would not trust Naruto to teach a kid how to tie their shoes.

Next important question: Who will play the best Crusader of all?

1. Probably healed himself with hamon and they just didn't show it. 2. Boy's kinda dumb as hell and doesn't think things through. 3. See above, thank god he's pretty.

Jack- Whelp guess not. Jojo- Fuck you, Wham. DON'T TOUCH HIM I LOVE HIM. I love when Jojo whips out the lube. Nooo don't hit his sexy face. Ohhh that's disappointing. Assist from Caesar's ghost! He's so stupid he's goddamn brilliant. Bubble Buddy saves the day after all. And then he blew right the fuck up. Good job baby now come here and I'll nurse your probably several broken ribs while you stick your face in my boobs. Dude what? Awwww boyfriend you're too sweet. Meanwhile my next words are "Jojo, I'm gonna suck your dick." Aw fuck it's the vampires. Okay Wammu doesn't fuck around. He was a surprisingly decent guy for an ancient abomination. Hey buddy, Joseph Joestar has also turned out to be my reason for living as well. Okay so yeah, Wammu was by far the least terrible of the Pillar Men. These minions are like Venture Brothers henchmen. Kars is a dick. Oh my god, his hair is amazing. Lisa Lisa is the best and I love her. Yes he's a terrible fucking demon, but that hair is fantastic. I'll just take a regular Bloody Mary, thanks. Jojo you dumb shit just let her handle this. Helloooooo Lisa Lisa. Aim for his dick! Oh this is not gonna end well. LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE. Shut up Jojo he's not dead. SHIT. Whelp this didn't go well. FIGHT ME KARS I'LL KICK YOUR ASS. Boyfriend is going to kill them all. Fuck you Kars I'll fight you myself. Is it sunrise already? ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Literally the only time in my life I haven't been angry to see a Nazi. SPEEDWAGON! SMOKEY! No seriously, how does von Stroheim even fucking work? Someone get Lisa Lisa to the hospital. Kick him right in the dick, babe. No, maneuver him into my bed. What in the actual fuck. Okay I could have forgiven you for most of it after that sweet air guitar solo, but nope we're back to FUCK YOU KARS. I'm sure they can all have a good laugh about how Jojo was gawking at his naked mom once they survive this. Ghoul- Just eat the arm, you whiny baby. Wow fuck you kid, cake is amazing. This old man is nice I don't trust him. Coffee, the ultimate lifesaver. That doctor really should have maybe reconsidered that organ transplant. And now he's being haunted by the ghost of the zombie that ruined his life. His friend is way too nice for his own good, I don't like his odds. Meanwhile, some kids fucking. Oh hey it's that zombie douche. Don't leave your friend alone with the murder zombie. Wait you're a zombie how do you eat? Whelp so much for the friend. God this kid sucks at everything. Crotch tentacle. And then he was Naruto. Go away, ghost skank. Just eat some dead bodies, dumbass. Oh dang he was awake. Who the hell is this guy? Who the hell is Jason? Wow, that was a short second half. Hunter- WATCH THE ROAD, KID. Also you're like 14 where did you learn to drive? Y'all really should have been smart enough to check for a tracker before. That sure is some weird magic. I am the terror that flaps in the night! This guy talks like Christopher Walken. Dude's already got a bunch of slugs in his dick just give him a break. And then everyone died. Look I'm sure you're real good at this torture thing but if I were him I'd be a lot more worried about the dick slug issue. I'd take that deal, I don't wanna get killed by Dick Slugs McGee here. You killed Boobs, you bastard. That sure seems painful. Go away Hisoka nobody likes you. Time for another sweet flute solo from mole girl. Dammit Hisoka where did you even get this number? Oh something bad is about to happen. Whelp you're all about to die but please spare mole girl. Oh jesus it's an abandoned clown theme park you're going to get molested. I am uncomfortable. I NEED AN ADULT. Do not team up with the murder pervert clown it's not gonna end well. Nooot a good idea, buddy. Whelp that was easy. Gundam- Someone shoot this kid already. Unicorns fighting each other would be much more entertaining if they were horses. Okay I really keep thinking that lady died already but I guess I'm proven wrong every time. I genuinely don't remember enough about this plot to know if that's true or not. Alright girl, seduce this kid for us and we'll call it even. Gonna be honest here, it's way too late in the night for me to focus on this plot. Aaaand we're back to Benedryl whining. "Don't worry, everyone just falls ass-first into a giant killer robot!" I also thought that blond kid was dead by now but again I stand corrected. You know it's really not comforting that the giant killer robots just pick random people regardless of any lack of ability or skill. Meanwhile, sandwich. Naruto- I do not remember what was going on before I fucked off several months ago. I wish they'd both just killed each other. Dude was right, he really should have just ditched Sasuke a long time ago. I liked that bird eating move better when Jojo forced it on Caesar. Knowing Sasuke he's probably sucking several dicks at once. Oh right, angry murder boyfriend was a small child because I'm not allowed to have nice things. Shut up Sasuke you're terrible. Dude when even the obvious villain is asking "Hey kiddo you sure you wanna do this?" you might wanna rethink things. Oh god so many obnoxious frogs. Man, those two solid months where I ignored this show in favor of Jojo's sweet sweet muscles was a great time. Obviously, Ben Diskin takes all that personality that Sai doesn't have and tosses it all into Jojo. The lesson here is don't trust orphans. Good job, he left you a sudoku puzzle. He was a ninja you fucking moron, his job was to do dangerous shit. Sorry show I feel absolutely nothing here, and I spent several weeks sobbing over a cartoon whale.

I would bang everyone in their bloodline.

What do you mean that wasn't actually the line?

Hell yeah that's him. Any time there's a hot dude with fire powers, just assume I'm going to pop out of the nearest trash can and claim him as my boyfriend the moment I discover him. <3 I did like Killua's sexy dad, so this is acceptable. Also no I totally didn't speed through the rest of part 2 to start on part 3 because I'm impatient and have no self control.

They were able to keep Roundabout, so I'd assume they can keep the future EDs. I'm at work and don't feel like looking it up, who's doing my hot fire boyfriend?

MRW I assumed my unquenchable Joseph thirst would recede after I finished part two, and then I realize part 3 is literally Sexy Grandpa Joseph leading an entire squad of hot buff dudes:

Oh my god that is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Jack- Jack needs some help. That kinda looks like a concerning amount of blood. Thanks, Warning Frog. Owwww. Go away, creepy ghost samurai! OWWWW. Someone really needs to hug Jack already. Hi doggie! Awwwwww tiny Jack is adorable. This is not adorable. Oh god that looks like some painful field medicine. Awwww doggie wants to be friends. I'm glad that life has taken a break from shitting all over Jack for a minute. "Remember son, talk shit get hit." Oh crap the girls are still here. Come on kids just leave Jack alone he's had a really rough week. False alarm it's just a deer. I don't like Bambi's odds here. Awww deers. Girls that's called love and you'd know that if your childhood wasn't fucking terrible. Or Jack could go ahead and kill them that works too I guess. Jesus christ Jack is not fucking around. Okay so reminder to never piss off Jack. Now someone get that man some shoes. Jojo- God damn that boy is fuckable. Don't worry baby I love you more than all those guys love Wham combined. Smash me, baby. Okay what you wanna do is get that hammer and smash him right in the dick. You beautiful idiot what are you doing. That is surprisingly smart for him. Oh my god I love him. You can have me in your grasp any time. Assist from Caesar's ghost. Jojo lubes up his shaft, because this show is actively trying to kill me with thirst. That's also what he calls his penis. JUST WHIP OUT YOUR DICKS ALREADY. Oh this could be going better. Oh my god so much innuendo my brain is exploding. Christ, just nail me already. This fucking show. SHIT, DUCK. Why does everything I love have to die. FIGHT ME KARS I'LL KICK YOUR ASS. Eat shit, Wammu. Soooo much thirst right now. I'm so proud of Jojo he's amazing. How's that guy gonna hold a crossbow his damn arms don't work. Oh hey he's awake. Jesus christ, show. Soooo many dick jokes this week. SOOOO MANY DICK JOKES THIS WEEK. Bye horsepire. Punch him in the dick and steal his crossbow. Oh this is not gonna go well. DUCK, JOJO. Owwwww. Why can't I have nice things, show. Take a break, just put your face in my boobs and I'll rip his throat out for you. I'll cock your crossbow, baby. WHY CAN'T I HAVE NICE THINGS, SHOW. Fuck every last one of you, you vampire bastards. He's so stupid he's fucking brilliant. Goddamn, I would go to war for those amazing biceps. Now piss on his corpse. You piece of shit. Oh this can't be good. Why does every character I love have to suffer painfully? This episode had so much innuendo, not even my filthy brain could take it all in. Ghoul- Whelp, let's see how this goes. Those are some big fish. I appreciate the innuendo but I'm still trying to recover from Jojo's hammer. I do like bookstores buy me things. Buy me cake and it's a good date. Oh hey she's cute, is she the vampire? Eating disorders are serious business. HELLO TITTIES. Oh yeah this'll go well. She's gonna eat you and not in a fun way. You are either gonna get fucked or murdered there's no middle ground here. Murder it is. This is when Shinichi shows up with Migi and fights her right? Convenient construction accident, go! Boobs. Uhhhh, I don't think that's normal. This seems like a staggeringly bad idea, doctor. His friend is a good dude. Kid, did you not figure things out when you were literally attacked by a monster? EVERYBODY LOVES KRABBY PATTIES, SQUIDWARD. Get over it kiddo we all have to eat things we don't like, I'd rather subsist on mac and cheese instead of touching vegetables. He's gonna eat that toddler. That was a good knife, you bastard! Dude just go to the nearest morgue and eat a corpse. Hey, you found a friend! Whelp so much for your friend. Are you saying you're gonna fuck that corpse? Is everybody besides his friend a fucking vampire? I have no idea if this is a boy or girl. "I wanna shove it in my mouth but can't!" is my exact feeling about Joseph Joestar. Like a baby bird, kiddo. Well that was a thing alright. Hunter- You fools, only a main character can beat Seitz in a fight. Solid hit from the turdworm there. Whelp spoke too soon he's dead. Do not let that man fist you. Hey kiddo you doing okay there? Ah, the ol' Hamon Hair Attack. Gonna hit a mother fucker with another mother fucker. Ewwwwwwww. I could have lived my entire life without hearing that, guy. Thank you, fisting man. Okay that could have gone better. Yeeeeeah good luck with that, kiddo. Again, can't that one dude literally rewrite reality with his shitty poems? Mole girl comes in with the save, I love her. Sorry dude you're still infested with leeches. Oh jesus christ that sounds horrifying stop fucking talking. I need lots of beer after hearing this. Eat shit, beer man. Meanwhile, bonding time for the goth and the clown. Maybe somebody should have checked him for a tracking device. He is in a real bad mood tonight. WATCH THE ROAD. Wow that's hardcore. And then they crashed into a mountain and died. Gundam- Just shoot that kid. I feel like this is supposed to have any kind of impact on me at all but I still can't bring myself to pay attention. Kick to the dick. And we continue the proud tradition of me being dumb as fuck and not being able to follow any fight in this franchise. Cry harder, lady. And then everyone died. Y'know, two in the goddamn morning is kind of not a good time to try to process complex war commentaries with giant robots. Naruto- Just gonna leave this here.

There was so much innuendo in this episode I think my brain had a minor stroke trying to process it all.