EmpressAngel

Jack- Did he shave or is this a flashback. Awwwww it's a cute little sheep. Awwwwww there's more of them! Fuck you Aku just let him be happy. Oh you bag of dicks. He's such a troll. Noooo not the adorable sheep things. Ohhh that's how he lost his sword. Dang that's a big hole. Maybe anchor that bird down so it doesn't fly off. Wait what it's a sword it doesn't just grow legs and walk off. AWWWW BIRD LOVES ASHI. This is a more introspective quest than I expected. Kill them all, Ashi. Meanwhile, Jack is tripping balls. I'm kinda lost here myself, ghost monk guy. Don't fuck with Ashi. Holy shit, girl. Meanwhile, tea time. Yaaaaay bird friend is back. She's so amazing I love her. Oh fuck you lady I'm her mother now. Kill her Ashi, she's the worst. Damn, Ashi does not fuck around. Now come here and let me hug you. Jack sucks at tea. Inner mind Jack is a douche. Man I wish therapy worked like that for me. Oh hey it's the god dudes. Yay he shaved and got his old outfit back. YAAAAY SWORD. Oh no please be okay. I'm so proud of both of you. Titan- That projectile horse still cracks me up. Oh hey it's that one guy who's not terrible. Butters is suspicious. Why would they make the walls out of titans at all that just seems like you're asking for them to go rogue one day and kill everyone. The best part of this show is definitely Levi not giving absolutely a fuck. New plan, Levi and glasses lady use the others as meat shields to ensure their own safety. Shut up, Eren. Shoot the priest! I love this girl she's the best. There are like four characters I actually have any desire to see survive. Her dad sounds like he's doing a lackluster John Wayne impression. If Jojo taught me anything, it's to be suspicious of squirrels. Oh that is probably not a good thing. Somebody's having a rough day. LET ME AXE YOU A QUESTION. Sorry lady you're gonna die and that kid is traumatized for life. Bye horse. This is not gonna end well. Freckles here is kind of an asshole. This girl is adorable. I don't like your odds againt the murder monster with just a bow and arrow. She's one of the few characters I actually like please don't kill her. FUCK YOUR EYES. Oh hey horsey. Oh hey it's her dad. So all I gotta do is take down a cannibal monster and I'll stop being the family disappointment? Meanwhile, Cueball's having a bad day. Oh that is not normal. Ghoul- This show gives me a headache. Why is he sitting on a chair on top of a crane. Now I'm hungry. Big deal I eat myself sick off of mac and cheese every couple days. He's so dramatic but in a really cringy way instead of any kind of fun way. Just let them kill him. Just eat a corpse you dumb bastard. That seems like a fantastically bad idea, lady. Oh yeah who cares how many innocent bystanders he murders as long as you can still fuck you boyfriend, even I have more self respect than that. And the cringing continues. Kid I wouldn't trust you to bring back a pizza. I'm so tired, show. Thank you girl for making him shut up. I'm finding it really hard to care about any of this. I'm fine with it if they all just kill each other right here. It's only been twenty minutes and yet it feels like I've been watching this for an hour. Yep that sure is a sad backstory I guess. Why couldn't you just get him a corpse to snack on. Usually asking someone to eat you ends in a much different way. Congratulations, you're all dead. I feel like I'm supposed to be sad but really I could not give less of a fuck. Eat shit, dude. Hunter- I got a bad feeling about this. I do like Killua's sexy dad. Oh hell no, one Hisoka is more than enough trouble. This is not a date, somebody's going to die. Psychic girl is very cute and I'm worried for her safety. Don't worry kiddo you'll get your creepy mummy. You know what that means, fake mustaches for everyone. That seems like a bad idea. That means all ten shadowbeasts are dead. Oh fuck are they calling in sexy dad am I gonna get him killed? Go for it kids, catch those guys I'm sure you'll do your best. You've jinxed it, something's definitely about to go wrong. I am concerned for my children here. Definitely a trap, it's always a trap. Well you guys have killed a bunch of people, I'm sure there's plenty of personal grudges. Not as unrelated as you'd think. I AM CONCERNED FOR MY CHILDREN. OH NO LEAVE MY KIDS ALONE. Owwww his legs. Please don't hurt them they're adorable children. I got a real bad feeling about this. Gundam- Somebody just shoot Benedryl already. I do like the robot ball friend. Here kid have a flask. You can never go wrong with cake but ice cream is good too. Yep you're terrible and you should feel bad. Get in the robot, Shinji. Bitches are crazy, kid. And then this plan went straight to hell, because of course it did. Yes just shoot the kid and destroy the robot already. I have no idea who's fighting who anymore. Full Frontal is the most disappointing name I've ever heard. Naruto- Naruto, continuing to be a dumbass. Porn man was a lot more tolerable as a kid than Naruto is. Eww don't eat the bugs. This is boring hit him with th stick again. I'm falling asleep it's been a long day. I feel like sparring with frogs isn't really a hard task. Oh great the annoying ones are back. Why is my boyfriend still a kid when does he turn back into a grown man. God, go fuck yourself Sasuke. Okay I do like the messenger lizard. Imagine having to explain to people that you got your spine broken by an elderly frog. I like this angry guy he gets shit done. Boobs. Okay mayonnaise on potatoes sounds like a crime punishable by death. Kid's got a point, I get sore from my boobs too. Naruto is by far the least interesting part of Naruto. At least toad mode gives him some great eyeshadow.

If you can't sell a "school girls bounce around a vague plot" show in fucking Japan of all places, you deserve to fail.

Maybe Joseph's heart stopped for a second there while he was plummeting back to Earth and bleeding out from his missing hand, but he got better because he is the only man my curse cannot kill. Jack- IT'S THE WOOLIES. Who needs a door when you have a perfectly good window. Oh hey that guy's alive. I love him. Everybody loves Jack. Ohh it's the dog archer guys. This robot guy is amazing he's cracking me up. Welcome to the Salty Spitoon, how tough are ya? :D He said "penis" and I'm a mature adult. Oh hey it's the brainwashed kid rave. It's nice to have an episode that actually makes me happy instead of vicariously suicidal on Jack's behalf. Aww look at her dance. Okay well that wasn't really helpful at all but thanks for the music. This lady is terrible I'm your mother now, Ashi. AWWW SHE LOOKS SO CUTE. Oh no don't talk to Aku. Thank you, convenient loud guys. IT'S DOGS. Okay that one is clearly just Astro from The Jetsons. Sorry, back to square one for you. Oh hey it's that other guy from that other time. Bandaid guy. Dude you were never badass but I'm glad things worked out for you. Oh dammit not him. Oh nooooo that's a real ominous graveyard. JACK NO DON'T DO IT. Fuck you, creepy ghost samurai. For the love of god, give that man a hug already. Okay snap out of it and help her. Awwwwww. Now, go find your sword and kill Aku! Titan- They could have given me sexy grandpa Joseph Joestar now but nope let's go back to the kids getting eaten. I have forgotten most of this show. Did they ever figure out what was in that fucking basement? What the FUCK is that. It's probably a bad idea to build a wall out of the giant murder monsters that want to eat everyone, but then again I'm not an architect. This OP is much less fun than the old one. Okay if this show actually follows through with that DINOSAUR in the OP I will take back everything I've ever said about it. The cover story is fuck you, shut up. Just kick that guy off the wall. Glasses girl really does not fuck around, I like her. Oh hey, potato girl! I dunno those might be some pretty mean bears. Whelp that sure is a lot of titans. I sure hope those horses are faster than the giant murder monsters. I think Cueball broke. That is also how run when I smell food. Oh right, Eren's the main character. Oh hey there Butters. No one hates Attack on Titan like Levi hates Attack on Titan. This guy is definitely about to die. What the FUCK is that. Horsey no! Okay that projectile horse should not have been so funny to me. Whelp he's dead. What the fuck did it just talk. This is weird. Dude I really don't like your odds here. Oh this is not gonna end well. Ghoul- Now, more cannibals. Never trust a man in a pimp suit speaking gratuitous French. I like the cute little octopus hot dogs. I'd pretty much rather die than have to give up bread. I need an adult. Ladybug wants nothing to do with this. Don't date him he'll kill you. Oh, you miss that girl who tried to eat him and got him turned into a half-zombie? This will not end well for you, kid. FIGHTIN' TIME. This guy is pretty cute and punched the annoying kid he is automatically my favorite and I fear for his life. Oh hey she's cute too. Kid you're a murder zombie I don't think age really matters. I'd assume the two are technically different species and couldn't make babies together. Well she was a gluttonous murder bitch, I'm sure a lot of people wanted her dead. Don't trust him, he's going to fuck and/or murder you, in no particular order. I am uncomfortable. At least you'll look nice when he butchers you like a goddamn hog. You are going to die now. What in the fuck. My brain hurts. No seriously, what the hell am I watching? Again, never trust a man in a pimp suit speaking gratuitous French. They cancelled One Piece for this. Hunter- Meanwhile, these dorks play around online. Gon no you sweet idiot what are you doing. I feel like that was a bad idea. That's sharp and pointy. It's okay idiot you're still pretty. Show if I wanted to see extreme auctioning I'd spend my day off watching a Pawn Stars marathon with my dad. Man these kids are really bad at this investing thing. They are just adorable little swindlers. I don't trust this guy and his wood interest. Eyebrows. What's in the box! Oh jesus, it's actually the bald guy from Pawn Stars. I like this guy but his little pink jacket is dumb. That's a terrible bet I don't want your life. OH DAMN that's a lot of gold. Kiddo 20% sounds totally fair. We won't give you money, but we'll let you bang our hot idiot friend. He's a good guy and I like him. I hope Gon can buy his license back. That is a lot of effort for Gon to find his shitty dad when he could just accept me as his parent. That's nice he just wants his old shit back. Yaaay you made a friend. Well you two are adorable and a delight to be around, I'd do everything I could to help you too. LOOK WITH YOUR SPECIAL EYES. Everyone loves Gon. Dude you barely passed the exam with the entire group carrying you, what are you gonna do on your own against the villains? Gundam- I liked the magic mecha light better when it was in Eureka Seven. I'm glad that lady continues to surprise me by being alive. Just open the damn box already and get it over with. I'm cool with it if everybody just wants to kill each other. This is all just because Benedryl couldn't handle his teenage boner. That mask still looks stupid. Surprise everybody, without the mask he looks exactly the same only with two inches around his eyes exposed. Make sure you turn on speakerphone for this confession. Yeah, fuck the earth! Yeah yeah revenge only causes more revenge it's a tragic cycle and all that. So are they finally gonna open the box now? I'd probably understand more if I wasn't busy seeing how many leftover Cadbury eggs I can eat in one sitting and hope I go into a coma before Naruto starts. Naruto- Frog dude I tell that kid to die every goddamn week. I don't think there's enough Adderall in the world to make Naruto sit still for twenty minutes. Yeah go ahead and just slather yourself up with magic frog lube that makes as much sense as anything. I am uncomfortable. Frogruto would actually be an improvement for this show. I guess turning into a rock would make you more connected with nature. Okay I would definitely enjoy watching Grandpappy Frogger beat the shit out of Naruto with that stick for entire episodes. I still don't really understand how the clones make him train faster. Watching an elderly frog beat an obnoxious teenager with a stick is just as entertaining as I'd hoped. Gross. Here, benchpress this unfortunate outcome of someone else's catastrophic failure to improve. Oh hey it's flytrap guy. Oh right, Sasuke was doing something that I didn't care enough to remember. Here, it's your teacher's first porn. That story was better than the show it's in. Yeah yeah, everyone was a whiny emo teen that no one understood. I can respect a man whose goal was to unite the world via porn. Goddammit Sasuke you had one job! Nah it's kinda funny, dude.

The narrator says he drifts through space for all eternity and eventually goes braindead. Crusaders will be horrifying because I assume I will latch onto yet another character only to watch him die way too soon, as is my curse in life.

Ah yeah I see where you're coming from now. I am concerned about what kind of strain his heart can take at an old age so I've already picked another main boyfriend for part 3.

This show could do no wrong for me the moment Joseph and his ridiculous goddamn buff arms showed up. Jack- That tree loooks ominous. Wait is that a flock of Scotsmen? Oh dang that's a lot of angry Scotswomen. SCOTSMAN!!!!!! Oh dang his daughter's cute. They're all his daughters that's adorable. I love Sassy Aku. Noo not the Scotsfamily. AWWWW SCOTS I LOVE HIM. That wheelchair is actually just to transport his massive balls of steel. SCOTS NOOOO WHY DOES EVERYTHING I LOVE DIE. Now kick his ass as a ghost. Please team up with the Scotsfam, Jack. That girl has some real issues. Fuck you, lady. Jack is just the best. Awww the eel is his friend. Please somebody hug Jack. He is having none of your shit today, kid. Oh my god this is adorable. Aku is a dick, kiddo. That is a fantastic outfit. Again, diiiiiiick. You gotta find his sword. At least someone's alive. Well that's terrible. They're just kids, so remember to aim low. And then they died. I am uncomfortable. Where is Scotsfam? I'm sure there is already porn of this. Kick his ass! Iron Man really let himself go. I think Jack broke. At least the kids are okay. Jojo- Obligatory FUCK YOU, KARS. Shut up Stroheim this is your fault. Just an ordinary set of hooters, nothing to see here. I don't like that squirrel's odds. What the fuck, hand squirrel. This is the weirdest goddamn show. Oh my god, Nazi vs squirrel. Aw fuck the sun doesn't work on him. Fuck you and your incredible goddamn hair, you fabulous asshole. Kars laughing is unsettling. Whelp, we're all fucked. Jojo having a plan makes me even more concerned. KICK HIS ASS, BABY. Oh my god you beautiful dork. Fuck you Kars at least let me bang him first. Smokey is such a good kid I love him. QUIT FLAPPIN, YOU SON OF A BITCH. Thanks narrator but I'm pretty sure Joseph was already physical perfection. Where the hell did that plane come from. Jojo where the fuck did you learn to fly a plane!? Hey baby wanna join the Mile High Club with me? And then he died...wait no false alarm. Obligatory fuck you, Kars. I would trust Speedwagon with my life. Just let me motorboat those goddamn pecs and I'll kick his ass for you. Oh right lava, he's surprisingly smart. Speedwagon needs a hug. Fucking piranhas what the shit. And then tentacles. Wait if that's a dummy where the hell is Jojo. I'll go down on you, baby. Please show just let him live. FUCK YOU, KARS. What the fucking shit. Literally the only time SURPRISE NAZI has been a good thing. Come here Speedwagon let me hug you. Owwww his legs. No seriously, how the fuck does von Stroheim work. OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE KARS JUST DIE ALREADY. Jojo Again- This is some bullshit just melt already. This is going too well. Oh shiiiiiiiit. NO NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL BUFF ARM. Man, I hope that wasn't his jackoff hand. This is just a really bad day for my boyfriend. I wanted to hear him scream but not like this. This sounds like bullshit but I'm way too dumb to refute it. NOT NOW NARRATOR, JOJO IS BLEEDING OUT. So then Dio was really his fault too, man fuck this guy. Quick, throw the Nazi at him and run. NO NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL LEGS. Fucking fight me Kars, I can still kick your ass. Oh come on at least show me his dick once before he dies. Oh right he still has the stone. EAT SHIT, KARS. I love this song. God I'm gonna fuck that. Uhhh you might wanna get off the flying death rock. Oh hey it's his arm. I love you, you fucking beautiful nerd. EAT SPACE, FUCKER. Now give that boy a break. Seriously babe, get off the plummeting death rock. Noooo why does everything I love have to die. How did Stroheim get back he's just a torso. Hahahahah, space doesn't work like that you dumb bastard. I am genuinely happy he suffered. Aaaaaand now I'm crying. Wait the one trainer dude survived? SURPRISE, MY BOYFRIEND LIVED. Joseph you beautiful goddamn asshole. Sooo question, does that hand vibrate because BOY HOWDY can I work with that. Wait what they got married? I'm not saying I hope they break up but I am saying that if they hit a rough patch he can call me and I'll show him how much of a banana I can fit in my mouth. Remember Joseph, you don't have to hear that painful accent if your dick is constantly down her throat. I'm glad Lisa Lisa moved on. Awww Erina let me hug you. Speedwagon was a gift to the world and we truly did not deserve him. I'm so proud of Smokey. Still not sad about the Nazi dying, show. HOLY SHIT SEXY GRANDPA Joseph aged like a goddamn fine wine. Good god spank me with that metal hand grandpa-okay wow that's something I did not need to know about myself. OH FUCKDAMMIT IS THAT DIO. Hunter- Well that answers my previous question. You're gonna have to be more specific there kid, he's killed a whole lot of people. Pretty sure he gets a murder boner for that, dude. That's fine, arms are for the weak. Kurapika looks angry this is probably not good. Owwwww your arm. Oh damn that was a sweet move. Yes please explain because I'm kinda really dumb. Yeah dude that's literally what he said like ten minutes ago. Well that sure doesn't seem overpowered as shit or anything. Oh hey a flashback to that one guy. I'm not really sure how this contract thing makes sense but let's pretend I do. Man, Joseph really could have used a trick like that for his arm. Yeah you're probably gonna die but at least your dick's not full of slugs anymore. Sorry kiddo I don't think he's gonna talk. It's because he's a terrible person. Whelp so much for that guy. You should probably chop off his head just to be safe. Kurapika's much nicer than me, I would have just pissed on his corpse and left him there. Gundam- Just tell me what's in the box already, is it fun attachments for Jojo's hand? These recaps really are the only way I can keep any kind of track of this show. There's only so many ways I can say Benedryl is terrible and I hate him. Still surprised this blond kid is not dead yet. I mean yeah I could try harder to pay more attention, or I could waste half the night looking at Jojo memes and I think we all know which thing is gonna win there. Naruto- Frogs are gonna make that lady sad forever now. I have heard that exact line in porn many times. How much shame must you feel if Naruto figures something out before you. Yeah it's no big deal at all they're only trying to decode your dead teacher's final message that he gave his life to send you. Kakashi, just hanging outside the window reading porn. You are a grown man, you can read porn out loud for the greater good. Well that's somewhat less than helpful. Shikamaru continues to be the only tolerable kid. Oh my god Naruto, just fuck off. Just let him to so he's out of the way for a couple weeks. Whelp, y'all are fucked. And thus the world was saved because of porn. OH FUCK IT'S THE GODDAMN FILLER FROGS. Hakuna Matata, kid. I'd rather just die I think. Now I just want ice cream. Okay I'd trust Grandpappy Frogger to beat all six of the villains way before Naruto. I am completely okay with that.

Okay I have spent 20 minutes trying to figure out how that relates to my grandpa thirst and am drawing a blank here.

This show broke my mind in ways I never could have predicted. Part 3 is gonna be fuuuuun. ?

I didn't expect I'd be into senior citizens for several more decades and I wish I didn't learn this about myself.

HOLY SHIT SEXY GRANDPA

Remember Joseph, you don't have to hear that painful accent if your dick is constantly in her mouth!

I'm not saying I hope they break up but I am saying that if they hit a rough patch he can call me and I'll show him how much of a banana I can fit in my mouth.

EAT SPACE, FUCKER.

NO NOT HIS BEAUTIFUL BUFF ARMS whut

Oh my god, the fucking squirrel.

Last night for me to look at how pretty he is. [super pretty, dang]

He doesn't even have sleeves, we're fucked!

Yeah I get that, but "slugs up the dickhole" is a real turnoff regardless of the circumstances behind it.

Jack- Jack continues to need a hug. Steal her shoes at least. Fuck you, birds! Oh kiddo, you tried. Oh jesus what the fuck is that. I'm glad Jack is showing an emotion besides depression. Eww I wouldn't sit on that. Aaaand she's crazy. I like the return of sassy Jack. I'd just let the monsters kill her, because I'm kind of a terrible person. And then the drugs kicked in. I'm with the talking fluff here, just ditch her. And then the crab got her. I'm with Inner Douche Jack here, just ditch her. Oh my god girl just shut up for like ten minutes. Jack is truly a goddamn saint. He's such a dork I love him. Okay I would definitely just ditch her out of spite now. Quick, throw the girl at the monsters and escape! JUMP GOOD. Oh you little bitch you better not stab him. Ladybug to the rescue. Yay Jack made a friend. AHHHHHHH SCOTS NEXT WEEK. Jojo- Narrator can't believe this shit either. Tell him his hair is stupid I bet he'll flip right the fuck out. Hey maybe anybody down there could help out. I don't know who voices Stroheim but I bet he had a great time doing it. Owww. Just whip your dick out and beat him with it. God, just fuck me now. Aaaaand then he set himself on fire, because he is not good at planning. Fight me, you piece of shit. FIGHT ME, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Hot damn do I love him. Houdini would be proud. Punch him right in the dick, just obliterate it. Now put your face in my boobs and relax, you've earned it. EAT SHIT, KARS. Shut up Nazi you're gonna jinx it. Good lord, that shirt is just painted on. Guys I think it's time you all sat down and gave Jojo a long explanation about everything. Smokey is such a good kid I'm glad he's here. Someone tell that poor boy about his family. Flashback! Jojo's dad was cute. Awwwwwwww baby Joseph! GODDAMMIT DIO I KNEW THIS WAS YOUR FAULT SOMEHOW. Oh this is bullshit. In a perfect world, Jonathan and Erina and Speedwagon would have lived happily ever after together and Joseph would have grown up with both his parents. Baby Joseph was goddamn adorable. I love Lisa Lisa so much. Oh fuck that's why she faked her death. Aaaaand I'm crying. All of these people need a hug. Oh right, Nazis fighting vampires in the background. FUCK YOU, KARS. Where was he even hiding that mask? Whelp, we're all fucked now. Speedwagon gets to Roundabout again! Ghoul- I think I missed something here. Welcome to Starbucks, kid. I still don't like friend's odds of survival here. "I won't explain anything to you but I'm annoyed that you don't know anything!" It's a pair of pliers, you dimwits. Yeah this guy totally isn't evil as shit. Learn how to eat shit you don't like, kid. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE. We're getting corpses, dumbass. God this kid is just terrible at everything. This show moves at the breakneck pace of cold molassas. Am I supposed to like either of these kids? I'm not even gonna ask why we're shopping for creepy fetish masks now. Yeah nothing helps you blend in with normal society like a fucking sex mask. Maybe you'd get more information if you didn't immediately kill everyone after three words. Small children shouldn't drink coffee. That doctor really should have put more thought into that whole monster organ transplant thing. What an adorable moment between bloodthirsty demons. That is a fine pimp suit. Aw fuck it's Hisoka. Hunter- DON'T TRUST HISOKA. At least mole girl is safe. Oh this a bad idea you're gonna suffer for this. This girl is super cute. This dude's got good instincts, being the leader seems like a great way to die. Dude they're all nen users of course he died. This girl has the self preservation instincts of a lemming. DICK SLUGS. That's almost enough beer to make a Naruto filler episode bearable. Just jump out the window. I am genuinely not sure if I find him attractive or not but those dick slugs are gonna be a point against him. Really should have gotten that girl out of the city ASAP. Dude stop talking you're gonna get her kidnapped. Meanwhile, shenanigans. I'm not good at math but I'm pretty sure you need more money. Just put the hot idiot on the corner and whore him out for cash. These dudes seem shady don't trust them. FIGHT CLUB. What in the fuck is this guy. Oh hey it's the spider people. This is probably not gonna end well for somebody. So is that guy still full of dick slugs or what? Gundam- God this kid is just the worst. I'm already confused, dude. Why did you guys leave the giant robot-sized door wide open? I still don't know what that box actually is. Okay I missed like half this episode because the official AS stream is a janky piece of garbage, but I feel like I didn't really miss much. I liked this "teenage boy falls ass-first into a mecha with a weird space girl" thing better when it was called Eureka Seven. Yeah go ahead and shoot at the giant robot with your tiny handgun that'll work. Naruto- I do enjoy seeing Naruto suffer. Good man, first priority was writing more porn. I feel like it was a bad idea to bring the enemy corpse there. I'm more surprised that porn man didn't just drown that kid in the river years ago. Never turn down free food, you are weak and a disappointment. Oh hey, it's the only kid that's not fucking terrible. I do like her shoes. And her boobs. Meanwhile, Naruto continues to be the worst part of his own show. Kid, every side of you is terrible and you should feel bad. Shut up and eat your popsicle. Why does everything have to be a cryptic riddle, if I ever need to leave a complex code for my loved ones to figure out it's gonna be based on my bra size. Please tell me the code is based on her bra size. Best kid doesn't have time for this. Oh hey it's the hot lady. Jesus you're a fucking idiot. I'm happy that the hot dude got to hit that at least once before he died. I would not trust Naruto to teach a kid how to tie their shoes.

Next important question: Who will play the best Crusader of all?

1. Probably healed himself with hamon and they just didn't show it. 2. Boy's kinda dumb as hell and doesn't think things through. 3. See above, thank god he's pretty.

Jack- Whelp guess not. Jojo- Fuck you, Wham. DON'T TOUCH HIM I LOVE HIM. I love when Jojo whips out the lube. Nooo don't hit his sexy face. Ohhh that's disappointing. Assist from Caesar's ghost! He's so stupid he's goddamn brilliant. Bubble Buddy saves the day after all. And then he blew right the fuck up. Good job baby now come here and I'll nurse your probably several broken ribs while you stick your face in my boobs. Dude what? Awwww boyfriend you're too sweet. Meanwhile my next words are "Jojo, I'm gonna suck your dick." Aw fuck it's the vampires. Okay Wammu doesn't fuck around. He was a surprisingly decent guy for an ancient abomination. Hey buddy, Joseph Joestar has also turned out to be my reason for living as well. Okay so yeah, Wammu was by far the least terrible of the Pillar Men. These minions are like Venture Brothers henchmen. Kars is a dick. Oh my god, his hair is amazing. Lisa Lisa is the best and I love her. Yes he's a terrible fucking demon, but that hair is fantastic. I'll just take a regular Bloody Mary, thanks. Jojo you dumb shit just let her handle this. Helloooooo Lisa Lisa. Aim for his dick! Oh this is not gonna end well. LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE. Shut up Jojo he's not dead. SHIT. Whelp this didn't go well. FIGHT ME KARS I'LL KICK YOUR ASS. Boyfriend is going to kill them all. Fuck you Kars I'll fight you myself. Is it sunrise already? ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Literally the only time in my life I haven't been angry to see a Nazi. SPEEDWAGON! SMOKEY! No seriously, how does von Stroheim even fucking work? Someone get Lisa Lisa to the hospital. Kick him right in the dick, babe. No, maneuver him into my bed. What in the actual fuck. Okay I could have forgiven you for most of it after that sweet air guitar solo, but nope we're back to FUCK YOU KARS. I'm sure they can all have a good laugh about how Jojo was gawking at his naked mom once they survive this. Ghoul- Just eat the arm, you whiny baby. Wow fuck you kid, cake is amazing. This old man is nice I don't trust him. Coffee, the ultimate lifesaver. That doctor really should have maybe reconsidered that organ transplant. And now he's being haunted by the ghost of the zombie that ruined his life. His friend is way too nice for his own good, I don't like his odds. Meanwhile, some kids fucking. Oh hey it's that zombie douche. Don't leave your friend alone with the murder zombie. Wait you're a zombie how do you eat? Whelp so much for the friend. God this kid sucks at everything. Crotch tentacle. And then he was Naruto. Go away, ghost skank. Just eat some dead bodies, dumbass. Oh dang he was awake. Who the hell is this guy? Who the hell is Jason? Wow, that was a short second half. Hunter- WATCH THE ROAD, KID. Also you're like 14 where did you learn to drive? Y'all really should have been smart enough to check for a tracker before. That sure is some weird magic. I am the terror that flaps in the night! This guy talks like Christopher Walken. Dude's already got a bunch of slugs in his dick just give him a break. And then everyone died. Look I'm sure you're real good at this torture thing but if I were him I'd be a lot more worried about the dick slug issue. I'd take that deal, I don't wanna get killed by Dick Slugs McGee here. You killed Boobs, you bastard. That sure seems painful. Go away Hisoka nobody likes you. Time for another sweet flute solo from mole girl. Dammit Hisoka where did you even get this number? Oh something bad is about to happen. Whelp you're all about to die but please spare mole girl. Oh jesus it's an abandoned clown theme park you're going to get molested. I am uncomfortable. I NEED AN ADULT. Do not team up with the murder pervert clown it's not gonna end well. Nooot a good idea, buddy. Whelp that was easy. Gundam- Someone shoot this kid already. Unicorns fighting each other would be much more entertaining if they were horses. Okay I really keep thinking that lady died already but I guess I'm proven wrong every time. I genuinely don't remember enough about this plot to know if that's true or not. Alright girl, seduce this kid for us and we'll call it even. Gonna be honest here, it's way too late in the night for me to focus on this plot. Aaaand we're back to Benedryl whining. "Don't worry, everyone just falls ass-first into a giant killer robot!" I also thought that blond kid was dead by now but again I stand corrected. You know it's really not comforting that the giant killer robots just pick random people regardless of any lack of ability or skill. Meanwhile, sandwich. Naruto- I do not remember what was going on before I fucked off several months ago. I wish they'd both just killed each other. Dude was right, he really should have just ditched Sasuke a long time ago. I liked that bird eating move better when Jojo forced it on Caesar. Knowing Sasuke he's probably sucking several dicks at once. Oh right, angry murder boyfriend was a small child because I'm not allowed to have nice things. Shut up Sasuke you're terrible. Dude when even the obvious villain is asking "Hey kiddo you sure you wanna do this?" you might wanna rethink things. Oh god so many obnoxious frogs. Man, those two solid months where I ignored this show in favor of Jojo's sweet sweet muscles was a great time. Obviously, Ben Diskin takes all that personality that Sai doesn't have and tosses it all into Jojo. The lesson here is don't trust orphans. Good job, he left you a sudoku puzzle. He was a ninja you fucking moron, his job was to do dangerous shit. Sorry show I feel absolutely nothing here, and I spent several weeks sobbing over a cartoon whale.

I would bang everyone in their bloodline.

What do you mean that wasn't actually the line?

Hell yeah that's him. Any time there's a hot dude with fire powers, just assume I'm going to pop out of the nearest trash can and claim him as my boyfriend the moment I discover him. <3 I did like Killua's sexy dad, so this is acceptable. Also no I totally didn't speed through the rest of part 2 to start on part 3 because I'm impatient and have no self control.