Mix

Four is actually pretty good. It's not so high to where i'm a complete asshole, but it's not so low to where no one's taking note of what i'm doing out here.

No worries. I got better jokes. The best joke in the world is in my pants, actually. It's my ace in the hole.....buuut it's in my pants most of the time. In fact it rarely sees any holes. I should really call it my ace in the pants, but that doesn't have the same ring to it, y'know.

How does it get worse? The aliens come. They've been ham-fisted about foreshadowing it. Twist is they don't like water covid. Now covid is the hero of the story. Cliffhanger ending reveals the aliens are from Omicron Persei 8. Covid works for them. What could this mean? Who's still drunk from last night? Where's my car?

lmao, it's all crisis now. 😁 ... - "Yes, son, the mid life crisis went the way of the polar bear." - "The polar what?" - "Polar bear. It's a big hairy beast from the frozen north." - "Frozen what?" - "Omg, every time with you. This is why I only do the mandatory once a month visitation. I didn't even want kids. Stupid aliens and their stupid breeding programs. I can't believe I bought into their campaign promises. "Do what we say and we won't kill you," fucking bullshit. I die a thousand deaths every time I have one of these conversations, I tell ya."

Me explaining to the Judge why I was at the Burger King riot.

I was a bench player in high school basketball. I learned to be very appreciative of playing time and to hide my excitement when a starter got injured.

wtf, I haven't even watched the latest Matrix movie yet, don't be altering reality all willy nilly

...but i'm not a bad guy either. I'm somewhere in-between. You could find me in, like, a garage sale. A garage sale doesn't have any good stuff, but it doesn't have any bad stuff either. It's stuff people would still kind of want. Stuff that's only kind of shitty. I'm a kind of shitty guy. Sure, you could do better, but you could also do worse....and let's be honest, you have. We all have.

That's a more upbeat way of saying it killed him.

Why isn't Popeye, the cartoon character, the mascot for Popeye's, the restaurant? I can't imagine it would be expensive to get the rights for that character. I suppose it would be too obvious. You can't do the obvious thing, by god. The world might start making sense.

Former drug dealer turned vegan chef

I get upset

He was the man behind the Tits buildings, the Tits group, and the Tits alternative. This is a sad time for the math community and @Doom Metal Alchemist.

Are you famous yet? Of course not. That's a dumb question. You wouldn't be here if your were. You'd be out dating Pete Davidson or whatever famous people do.

Just in time for Christmas! I let my parents know and they said, "what's wrong with you? You're a grown man! Stop calling us!"

...but the conversation was in your head?

Here's the trailer of this soon-to-be hit show This.....isn't about the law

Most people get rid of the murder weapon before making a break for the airport.

He is slowly assimilating all of day time TV. Resistance is futile.

...but when I point out that there were two girls and Liam Neeson only saved one, they either don't know or they don't care about the second missing girl. - "What do you mean? He had two daughters?" - "No, he had one daughter, but she had a friend who was also kidnapped." - "Didn't he go back for her in Taken 2?" - "No, that was his daughter again." - "What about Taken 3?" - "No, it's always his daughter. It's always going to be his daughter." - "Well, i'm sure he tried his best." - "No, not really. If you remember, in that famous phone exchange he had with the kidnapper, he only bargains for his daughter. He doesn't mention the other girl once. His actual words were "if you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it." Like, he was on some "you can take that other bitch, i don't give a fuck" type energy." - "Shit" - "Yeah" - "Wait, was she black?" ...

Do NBA fans know those aren't joke suits? Like, Clyde thinks he's killing the game every time he comes out in one of those. Somebody should say something.

That's 'cause mine are made up