Mix

If you're going to lie on your dick, i've found it's best to lie big. A small lie turning a 5 to a 6 is embarrassing, but a big lie where you have a third leg that necessitates you buy the underwear with the special pouch is funny for all involved.... Sometimes

- "So your fetishes are Asian women and feet?" - "Yeah, as far back as I can remember." - "Asian feet or just women's feet in general?" - "Just feet in general." - "Even men's feet?" - "Yeah" - "So Asian women for favorite people, but just any feet for favorite bodypart?" - "Yup, that's pretty much how i'm wired" - "And you have no idea why?" - "No, but I start therapy tomorrow, so I should start figuring all that out pretty soon." - "Ok, that's good. That'll be twenty for the lap dance and let's call it eighty for the shoes." - "Yeah, sorry about that. That's never happened to me before."

Alright, back to not wanting them. That was a close one.

inorite And how is that half inch measurement discrepancy the first go to when I gave myself a generous, and far more obvious, accounting down south. I'm not saying don't call me out on it, just follow protocol. There's an order to these things.* (*These things being the inevitable and all too deserving implosion of my relationships)

I've never wanted to have kids.................until just right now. I'm gonna name it Nameraka.

When they find out i'm actually 5'11.5", they react like it's the 1950's and i'm a black guy who's been passing for white. It's not that big of a lie, Kendra. I'm not trying to be too critical of your priorities, but there are some real red flags in that dating profile that got passed your vetting process.

Alright, ok...... I am going to start and then quit smoking cigarettes. All the ensuing fury will be unleashed on everyone derailing my perfectly good thread.

You've heard some version of that line in movies and tv shows, usually as the last words of a character at gun point. Is that line really so effective at preventing murder? Do would be murderers care so much about kids growing up with both parents? I don't think so. I do, however, believe it can be made so effective that homicide and orphanage statistics in this country will never be the same again. I propose a law that makes murderers responsible for raising the children of their victims. The death penalty is a slap on the wrist compared to PTA meetings and children's musicals....you die a thousand deaths.... With this law in effect, the next time you utter the phrase, "I have kids," it will have a resounding effect on all criminals within earshot. So, Sharks, i'm here to offer you ten percent of my new venture for half a million dollars. What do you say?

No, the author, Orenthal Dolezal Ulysses James Woods Homer Simpson

And he was really good apparently... What a random fact about that guy.....

I remember seeing one lady dressed up as a sandwich. If you became famous enough to be invited, what would you wear? I would show up in a batman costume. Not a studio quality one, but the one on sale at Walmart.

The cancer is back. But it's like Norm Mcdonald said, "if you die, the cancer dies. It's not so much a loss as it is a draw."

The degree i'm getting is cheaper, so it stands to reason that the medical care will be cheaper too. Passing the savings on to the consumer is just good business.

They said I could get my degree in six months if I log in every day. The future is in online medicine! Join me and you too could be a medical consultant (not legally allowed to say doctor, but it's pretty much the same job with possibly almost close to the same pay)

You're one of the conveniently oblivious people in animal movies who make the animal's adventure possible. That dog was probably trying to figure out how to get on the elevator when you arrived.

I had to google oyakodon, but yeah, pretty much that

This is the best thing i've ever seen ever. I want to "learn wisdom," but whatever price you paid for this is worth it for the music video alone.

...is what shaq uses to cover those Ferraris and that Rolls Royce he keeps down in Florida? I was angry enough when I found out Shaq sold two millions copies of his rap album....

Donda is not that good. It's not terrible, but not good enough that i'd recommend it. Kanye is not a genius. He is a guy with mental problems who is good at making music, but better at cultivating interest.