Skiles

Someone stop me, I'm getting edgy! I'm like Ricky Gervais at the, uh... Oscars? Or Emmys, or whatever dumb award show he hosted that one time.

Well, if his dad is African, that seems like enough justification to me. But what do I know. I'm a cracker-ass honky from the Midwest.

#altfacts

I haven't touched a drink or any drug in over two years, though! D: Honestly though, I think the diagnosis makes sense for me. But having done research on it, I understand why they hesitate to make a concrete decision on it. As you said, the description is very vague.

You must be, using nonexistent words like "dranken."

Personally, I believe that people who don't refrigerate their condiments should be killed. My mom used to leave butter and margarine sitting on the counter. Then she died of cancer. You do the math.

They probably should have, ya big homo. Seriously though, the way you phrased that makes it sound like a camp where they try to make you gay. And I like that idea more than what it actually was.

When I'm employed, I try to make myself eat at least a bowl of cereal so I don't get hungry when I'm there. When I'm not, fuck it.

Insanity in the membranity. I was, and this is true... "tentatively diagnosed" with schizoaffective disorder. I don't even know what the fuck that means. I imagine it's a fancy way of saying, "You're gonna be a guinea pig while we fiddle around with your meds."

That you didn't agree that you had? I have. Very recently, in fact. Although the fucked up part of it is that, if the doctor is right, the illness I'm diagnosed with will actively convince me that I don't have it, so no matter how right I feel like I am, I could be wrong. But it's my own brain, and I think I know my brain better than someone who doesn't live with it. What a mind fuck, right?

You have no more right to tell me when I should bathe than I do to tell a woman when he should have an abortion.

I'm sure plenty of no-names die. I'm talking about the big-time guys who stink, or stole their shit and got huge. I wish Amy Schumer would get hit by a truck. Just to even out the karma.

It's never the hacks. It's always guys like Greg Giraldo, Patrice O'Neal, Mitch Hedberg, John Pinette, Richard Jeni, a host of others. All of them were absolutely brilliant. Why can't Carlos Mencia die?

Basically this

7 is very good.

This is an interesting post. Have you considered killing yourself?

Thanks, I worked hard on it.

Here's the worst part. My issues are almost certainly going to end me within the next 20 years, but the evil inside you is going to keep you alive for a long time. Evil motherfuckers don't die young unless they kill themselves to avoid a prison sentence. It's infuriating.

I get the feeling you may be referring to a sex toy of some sort.

Thanks for the heads-up. Or in certain cases, heads-down.

WAAAARRRRRIIIOOOORRRRRRSSSSSS

Bottles are cool because you can put them on your fingers and clink them together like the guy in that one movie.