Skiles

The cat from Garfield? Pshh... 4/10.

This is fair.

Well, fine. I'll be the Highlander then. And I'll be the prettiest damn Highlander you even did done seen.

There can be only one princess! Of course you realize, this means war!

I mean, other than me, of course.

I've never been more attracted to you.

I'm recording it, I'll probably watch it later tonight. Actually, I am watching Raw, but it's one from 1998.

I used to have a ton of random action figures, and I would make them wrestle. I had a whole wrestling federation going. I still randomly get the urge to play with action figures, but I've long since lost all of them.

Sure, they named the restaurant Five Guys, but then they have the NERVE to arrest me for inciting a gay orgy in the bathroom. Bunch of assholes.

I LOVE talking about tips. Okay, here's my rule. When I walk into that restaurant, I'm going in with a base of 15%, right? So if my waiter or waitress is absolutely average, middle-of-the-road fine, that's what they're gonna get. That's the base tip. And from there, I assess how the person waiting on me performs. The worse they are, the lower is gets. The better, the higher. If my waiter or waitress is the absolute drizzling shits, they might get 5%. Or they might get no tip at all. Now let's say my waiter or waitress goes above and beyond, and is incredible, and everything is perfect, and they're super friendly. That tip might jump up as high as 40 or 50%. Okay, NOW let's say the service is not amazing, right? Like my food gets there late, my cup is only refilled once or twice, that type of shit. BUT, I see my waiter or waitress working other tables, and I can tell this person is working their ass off, and they're doing their best, and they clearly just have way too much on their plate (no pun intended), that tip will not go down. In fact, if they are doing their absolute best, that tip may still go up based on my respect for them and the fact that they're putting in that work. I've worked in food service, I know how thankless that shit is, and I respect them. So I always try to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Holy shit, man. That hail wasn't fucking around. I wouldn't even give a shit about the dents, but even the windshield got got. Sorry for your friend.

I always laugh at people like that. Like women who brag about being a bitch. I'm just like, "You know, there's a simple way to change that. And that's... change it. Or don't. Or keep being a bitch and die alone choking on soup. Your call." That's why I'm pretty much the nicest and coolest guy in the world.

I've only been to a couple airports. LAX was pretty rad.

They suck because people in San Diego are generally fucking awful, so the teams are like, "We're gonna work hard to entertain these assholes? Fuck that." And then they leave.

That's way less romantic and fanciful than my version.

Well, if you wanted to fistfight me, you could've said so from the beginning.

Okay, so do you wear them all the way up? Or do you fold them down? Or do you just slide them down and leave them bunched up around the ankles like a monster?

I'm going to stage an intervention.

I prefer to think they magically disappear into Clothing Narnia. Or maybe they ascend to Heaven and we get them all back when we die.

My God, you're right.

Next, I'm sure you'll try to convince me that the female orgasm is real! Charade you are!

Just go all the way with it. Chin-high socks.

Age is just a number. Well, actually, I guess that depends on the context. <.<

By neon, do you mean they actually glow in the dark? Or are they just brightly colored? Because glow-in-the-dark socks are pretty rad tbh.

I'm just kidding. I actually wish I had never started smoking. It's harder to quit smoking than it is to quit drinking. At least for me, it is.