Skiles

Yeah, but Paris Hilton was trashy hot, and that's a kind of hot I really like.

Oh, this war has just begun, believe you me.

Bees? Bees! Oh geez, I love bees. They're the bee's knees, are bees. You see them near flowers and trees. Or gliding along through the breeze. Extracting some pollen with ease, who doesn't like bees? They can get to 122 degrees. That's Fahrenheit, for you folks overseas. But don't let them freeze! Yes, bees freeze at 50 degrees. No snowboards and skis for these frozen bees. But there is an importance to bees. Nearly every scientist agrees, we need these bees. They help all those flowers and trees. The ones that grow our fruit and veggies. Without them, these foods would all cease! So please, let us all drop to our knees, and give a kind thanks to these bees. Yes,there are many a creature on land and in the seas. Some the size of trees, others the size of peas. But from whales to fleas, nothing beats the bees! There are plenty of nominees. But you won't convince me despite all your pleas. A Maltese? Madam, please. They don't make honey, so I'll stick to bees.

That's good shit, baby.

*shoots a nearby clock*

I like the idea of Gordon Ramsay as a zombie. Just going around eating people and critiquing it. "THIS FACE IS BLAND. IT HAS NO FLAVOR. IT ISN'T EVEN COOKED." Of course it isn't cooked, zombie Gordon Ramsay. It's a human face.

You have waaaay too much going on in your sig. That sig is busier than a cranberry merchant.

Take it easy there, Seinfeld. I don't know about comedy gold, but "picky zombies" is a fun premise. There's a bit in there somewhere. Or at least an SNL sketch.

Oh, I dunno... Just off the top of my head, pissing in the pussy and then fucking the girl. Just off the top.

Yeah, that's why I'm going to outlive all of you fuckers. I abide by nature.

Dude, it's crazy because being a performer means you simultaneously have extremely low self-esteem and a really big ego. You want everyone to hear you, but you also are so damaged that you feel the need for everyone to hear you. At least that's me. I can only speak for myself. I'm not a comic, but I have performed live on many occasions.

You'll come crawling to me when you get sued for COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT

Contact me for legal advice.

Not me, man. When I'm at that crazy "more money than God" level of rich, I'm gonna be a complete piece of shit. I'll gonna walk around southern California headbutting children in the God damn nose.

Yeah, but he doesn't have to not be a dick. He has ALL the money.

Who aarrrre these people?? *rimshot followed by a standing ovation*

Ooh, ooh! Tell me the one about airline food! I love that joke.

That dude is like, an old dude now. That's sad as shit. Time is weird.

I don't know why you'd want to. It'll probably involve a lot of Baron Corbin.

Unfadeable so please don't try to fade this. But uh, back to the lecture at hand.

Something like that.

That's just terrifying.

Oh gosh. I can't compete with that.

I feel a deep sense of loss having watched that. Which makes sense, because I'll never get that time back.

God, she looks like she made out with a broken piano. I'll bet her dentist charges her by the tooth.