Mix

right in the gas tank... hence the fire....

Please don't fuck this up Please don't fuck this up Please don't fuck this up 🤞

🤣 Man, I didn't realize how much i've missed riding the bus.

isn't hummus just like chickpeas?

Why does this keep happening to me? I'll randomly come across some nature doc that catches my eye while, at the same time, eating the thing that i'm watching be happy and free and....alive '>.> I once buried some venison in my backyard. It felt weird giving a funeral speech without naming it, so I called it Gary. ...I'm eating this fish though. I'm starving '>.>

No worries, bruv. I'm actually immortal. Keep that info on the low though. Damn vampire hunters are hella persistent. I try to explain that i'm not a vampire, show them the painting, but no....it's all sharp sticks and water with those guys....ageist motherfuckers

don't over sell this this is a regular disaster at most

how else are you supposed to throw a house party? This isn't one of your cotillions or late evening soirees. You leave your manners at home and come have a good time.

You're a life savor. I always forget the napkins and cocaine.

I didn't know those guys were musicians. I thought they were athletes. Either way I was certain they weren't actors.

I'm going to need you to refrain from telling the rape joke until I give you the signal. The signal will be when I tell my rape joke. Two rape jokes cancel each other out. That's science.

🤘

I've already made several mistakes. I told my neighbors ahead of time, also invited them, like you do when you don't want them to call the cops. Turns out they think I called the cops on them some time ago and I could not convince them otherwise, so they are for sure calling the cops. I also made a bad throw away joke about the party being BYOB (bring your own bitch) in a group text where people had added their girlfriends. These women already hate me for being the archetype of the guy you don't want your husband to be friends with. Also, because they've secured the gold band on the finger and I still refer to them as "the girlfriends." And I failed to secure blackjack and hookers. It's gonna suck. Wanna come?

I don't brush things off. I cope with all my embarrassments the same way.

The gym is where everyone goes to be embarrassed in one way or another. At least you aren't the guy who does karate in the mirror.

I demand you buy a tank top.

That music is usually reserved for spin class

Unless you are certain your back fat won't make fart sounds with the mat. So embarrassing. Also, there is no smooth way to put your shirt back on during a yoga class. Especially not if you put it on backwards, temporarily accept the situation, then change your mind and flip it around 30 seconds later. Can't go back to that YMCA. I told my boss she'd have to find someone else to teach yoga because these people don't respect me anymore. I don't respect me anymore. 💀

Nah It doesn't make sense to limp most of the way home before using your crutches.

What ever it is you're doing, people cut you some slack if you've never done it before. Those five words are a spell that absolves you of ineptness. Which is why it's so stupid that virgins hide the fact that they're virgins. Claim your mulligans in life whenever available. I just started banging dudes and I let them know what's up and they've let me get away with a lot. Mostly terrible jokes. In fact it's worked out so well that i'm thinking of telling women, in future, i've only had sex with men.