Mix

You're a life savor. I always forget the napkins and cocaine.

I didn't know those guys were musicians. I thought they were athletes. Either way I was certain they weren't actors.

I'm going to need you to refrain from telling the rape joke until I give you the signal. The signal will be when I tell my rape joke. Two rape jokes cancel each other out. That's science.

🤘

I've already made several mistakes. I told my neighbors ahead of time, also invited them, like you do when you don't want them to call the cops. Turns out they think I called the cops on them some time ago and I could not convince them otherwise, so they are for sure calling the cops. I also made a bad throw away joke about the party being BYOB (bring your own bitch) in a group text where people had added their girlfriends. These women already hate me for being the archetype of the guy you don't want your husband to be friends with. Also, because they've secured the gold band on the finger and I still refer to them as "the girlfriends." And I failed to secure blackjack and hookers. It's gonna suck. Wanna come?

I don't brush things off. I cope with all my embarrassments the same way.

The gym is where everyone goes to be embarrassed in one way or another. At least you aren't the guy who does karate in the mirror.

I demand you buy a tank top.

That music is usually reserved for spin class

Unless you are certain your back fat won't make fart sounds with the mat. So embarrassing. Also, there is no smooth way to put your shirt back on during a yoga class. Especially not if you put it on backwards, temporarily accept the situation, then change your mind and flip it around 30 seconds later. Can't go back to that YMCA. I told my boss she'd have to find someone else to teach yoga because these people don't respect me anymore. I don't respect me anymore. 💀

Nah It doesn't make sense to limp most of the way home before using your crutches.

What ever it is you're doing, people cut you some slack if you've never done it before. Those five words are a spell that absolves you of ineptness. Which is why it's so stupid that virgins hide the fact that they're virgins. Claim your mulligans in life whenever available. I just started banging dudes and I let them know what's up and they've let me get away with a lot. Mostly terrible jokes. In fact it's worked out so well that i'm thinking of telling women, in future, i've only had sex with men.

Things keep going the way they're going, it's going to be leather made from vegans.

- "Hey, Mix." - "Hey, Doc." - "What is it this time?" - "I signed up to be a product tester for sex toys." - "Is that why you're not sitting down?" - "Yup" - "Why do you keep doing these things?" - "I....honestly don't know............so, radiology?" - "yeah, radiology"

At 4am, its more morning than night and she still came over.....so yeah, macaroni I remember Deon Cole saying "if someone calls you at midnight, its a booty call. If they call you at 3am, you were their last choice." 🤭

(Read in badly imitated British accent) You cannot see the vision. Your outfit, my dear fellow, must answer a question. The most iconic outfits answer questions no one thought to ask. Questions like, what would an amalgam of the Batman and the penguin look like if he were black, Scottish, and suffered from developmental problems.

"I'm going to need verbal confirmation of consent." 🤣 Gotta love the over-correct....my man was livin' foul just a while ago

Don't make the same mistake I did. Get the ivermectin with the human on the box. The box with the horse on it is.....well, it's for horses.

No matter who i'm talking to, I end the conversation with, " 'preciate ya, keep doin' ya thing, stay black" I'm still collecting data, but so far so good