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TELL ME A JOKE!

PhilosipherStoned

By PhilosipherStoned
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PhilosipherStoned Monster Mutant

PhilosipherStoned

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6 minutes ago, SwimModSponges said:

Give me a word and I will try to make it into the punchline of a joke.

Preferably a longer word.

pneumoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

 

even though the sound of it is something quite attrocious. :|

 

 

 

 

Edited by PhilosipherStoned
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SwimModSponges Monster Mutant

SwimModSponges

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11 minutes ago, Kweerie said:

Antidisestablishmentarianism. 

So a couple of Jamaican guys were planning on meeting their friends at a restaurant. One of them got food poisoning there previously, and so wasn't a fan of the place. Well they get there, meeting their friends in the parking lot, and err'body is ready to go in, except the one guy, who hangs back.

"What up wit dis guy?" says one of the other guys in the group. The other friend replies:

"He's anti dis establishment and tarrying is him."

Edited by SwimModSponges
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SwimModSponges Monster Mutant

SwimModSponges

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53 minutes ago, PhilosipherStoned said:

pneumoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

A geologist was examining samples taken from a hawaiian mountain while talking on the phone to his sister, a fashion designer, when he came across an amazing discovery. Within the molecular structure of the ashy granule he now studied, he discovered a strange new compound; veins of volcanic glass spiderwebbed inside the stone. These microscopic fibers intertwined into a sheet; producing a material that would revolutionize the textile industry. He exclaimed to his sister- "New mo' ultramicroscopic silk o' volcano cone! Ayyo, sis!

Edited by SwimModSponges
That one took me a bit.
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tsar4 Monster Mutant

tsar4

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Guy dies and goes to Hell.  There he is met by a guide demon who tells him, "I know how they talk about us above, but it's not all that bad down here.  For example, we have a choice of areas where you can spend eternity and you get to choose after seeing each of them.  Follow me." 

The demon leads him to a great wooden door, which he opens with a loud creak.  "This is the first room."  The guy looks in and as far as the eye can see, there are men & women, standing on their heads on broken glass.  The guy winces and says, "Let me see another room."

The demon takes him to the next door and the guy looks inside.  As far as he can see, there are men & women standing on their heads on broken glass.  The guy shudders and says, "Take me to the next room.  Please!"

At the third door, the demon states, "This is the final room.  You will have to make your choice after this."  As the door opens, the guy is nearly knocked down by the stench.  Once he recovers and peers inside, he sees men & women as far as the eye can see, standing upright, drinking tea and coffee, knee deep in human feces.  "Make your choice", says the demon.

The guy considers all he has seen and decides, "Well, the smell here is nearly unbearable, but I guess this beats the other two."  "Fine", says the demon, "go down and find yourself a spot to spend eternity.  Someone will bring you coffee or tea." 

The guy finds a spot, trying to hold back his gagging.  Just as he does, he hears in a loud, booming voice, "ALRIGHT, COFFEE BREAK'S OVER, EVERYONE BACK ON YOUR HEADS!"

Edited by tsar4
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fuggnificent Monster Mutant

fuggnificent

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*sigh*

this is my fav joke!

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!" The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!"

"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said.

"Consider it done!" the genie replied. "And what's your wish genie?" the husband asked.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said "How old is your husband anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies...that's amazing!"

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Doom Metal Alchemist Monster Mutant

Doom Metal Alchemist

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7 hours ago, SwimModSponges said:

So a couple of Jamaican guys were planning on meeting their friends at a restaurant. One of them got food poisoning there previously, and so wasn't a fan of the place. Well they get there, meeting their friends in the parking lot, and err'body is ready to go in, except the one guy, who hangs back.

"What up wit dis guy?" says one of the other guys in the group. The other friend replies:

"He's anti dis establishment and tarrying is him."

@SwimModSponges what's "tarrying"?

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SwimModSponges Monster Mutant

SwimModSponges

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tar·ry2
ˈterē/
verb
dated
gerund or present participle: tarrying
  1. stay longer than intended; delay leaving a place.
    "she could tarry a bit and not get home until four"
    synonyms: linger, loiter, procrastinate, delay, wait, dawdle; 
    informalhang around
    "they tarried by the lake, prolonging their teary farewells"
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Bouvre Superstar

Bouvre

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A penguin is driving through Arizona when all of a sudden it starts having car trouble, so it calls AAA and gets towed into the city. At the repair shop, the penguin wants to know how long the wait will be. "It's not too busy of a day," the mechanic tells him. "I'd say about an hour, hour and a half."

So the penguin waits. At first, he tries to kill time in the waiting area, but he's a penguin in a very hot climate, so the oscillating fan isn't doing him enough to make the situation bearable. So he ventures off to find a colder shop somewhere nearby. 

He's walking down the main drag. It's a hot day. Phoenix is just not the kind of place for a penguin to be. He's only made it a few blocks but still doesn't think he can tolerate it much longer. All of a sudden, he sees an ice cream shop and finds himself overwhelmed with joy. He waddles into the shop and sits at the counter. The server asks what he wants and the penguin says "Give me the biggest bowl of vanilla ice cream you can find!"

The server is super pleased to see such a cute penguin that he serves up several bowls' worth in a single mixing bowl. The penguin gets so excited that he forgoes any utensils. He just basically dives right in, face first, snapping his beak at every last bit of the ice cream. 

When the penguin emerges from the depths of the bowl, he sees the clock. He's spent all his time indulging himself in vanilla ice cream that time has passed quite quickly. His car was no doubt ready now. 

He returns to the shop. The mechanic sees him and says, "Yeah, I fixed your car. It looks like you blew a seal."

"Oh no!" The penguin laughs, "it's just ice cream."

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tsar4 Monster Mutant

tsar4

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Farmer goes out to check on his cattle in the pasture and finds his prized bull laying on its back, legs moving around haphazardly, tongue hanging out and eyes looking in different directions.  He immediately calls his vet to come out.  The Vet rushes over, takes one look and says, "I know what this is!"  The Vet runs to his car, pulls out a long metal pipe and runs back to the Bull.

He tells the farmer, "I'm gonna shove this pipe up the Bull's anus, you go 'round to the front of the Bull.  Once you're there, watch the Bull's eyes & tongue and tell me if there's a change."  The farmer does that as the Vet shoves the pipe in.  "Any change?", he asks.  The farmer responds with a "Nope".  

The Vet then puts the end of the pipe in his mouth and with all the force he can muster, blows into the pipe.  Suddenly, the Bull's tongue goes back in his mouth, the eyes look straight forward and the legs flip to the same side...and the Bull stands up!

The farmer is stunned, but thankful.  The Vet tells him, "These things have a habit of reoccurring.  Once a bovine has it, they have it for life.  I'll leave the pipe here and you use it just as I did to fix the problem."  The farmer pays the Vet and thanks him profusely for his help, and the Vet drives off.

Sure enough, a couple days later the same Bull is in the same condition.  The farmer thinks, "Hey, I might as well show off to my not too bright hired hand", and calls him over, giving him the instructions that the Vet told him to do.  The hired hand does as he's told and goes to the front of the Bull, the farmer shoves the pipe up the asshole of the Bull and blows with all his might.  "Anything happen?" he asks.  "Nope", replies the hired hand.  The farmer tries a few more times with no success.  Finally, he tells the hired hand to switch places with him, thinking he might see what is going wrong from in front of the Bull.

He gets to the front of the Bull and looks up to see the hired hand pulling the pipe out.  "Hey, waddya think you're doin'?", he bellows.  The hired hand replies as he flips the pipe over and inserts the other end, "You don' expect me to put my lips on the same end you did, do you?"

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