jackiemarie90

I doubt that would be beneficial for us economically. Plus the dude is 5 years younger than me!! He ain't ready for that, hell I ain't either.

I'll just do your homework.

We decided not to apply to one in April. And look for a better room. He seems to be really concerned and listening to me, which is a good sign. I told him I am uncomfortable with the idea, because for me moving in with someone is not necessarily connected to money. Its how much I can trust the person. He did say we don't have to move into a place if I don't want too. But I don't mind waiting till May or June, to try to move in. XD

We actually did get into a few heated debates about over the past 2 days. Mostly from me expressing my legitimate concerns, but he has managed to convince so we are sending out applications this week.

I mean, I feel like it would be whole another post to try to describe him without his clothes, but like, I sure do love those coke bottle glasses. ❤️

Kinda usually is the way it goes. He has mentioned a love of army/camo gear but he prefers black, and I'm like yes, black and any color is better than camo. XD Hopefully he embraces the metal head nerd aesthetic more than the army one. ha ha

Was honestly thinking from a historical perspective where people in their youth would literally move across continents to start a new life with someone they barely knew. Or people choosing to settle west, etc. So this is a risk humans have been making for 1000s of years I feel like. And I'm basically just agreeing with the risk. He does offer a unique living opportunity with someone who is concerned with cognative function like he makes alot of Kava drinks that calm the body and mind down and has started me on lsd micro dosing regime of like 20% the dose every 4 days. Does make the days literally seem brighter and better. But I also have been back in touch of my older sister. And she finally has a place of her with child on the way. So if all else fails, I move back in with my sister and help her raise her baby. ^__^

yeah my friend and I agree it's a pretty yikes move. But they are just like "desperate times call for desperate measures". Honestly I do like the idea of my rent lowering but I'm afraid how I might react to being overwhelmed.

only for a month. Talked to my friend, they are still trying to find their own housing for him. But if the searches don't go well, we are thinking of a temporary thing where this guy stays with me for like 3 to 6 months until he is able to get a place of his own. The guy is actually kinda excited for it so I'm going to talk about to him later today.

Ya changed so much!

I hope you guys are having a good evening, and you are ready to hear a my tales of men I only refer to by the types of pants they wear. For anonymity is the reason for the pants guy saga. Normally I just speculate about what could be, but I actually have entered a relationship with this guy and it's kinda going fast. Since being kicked out of student housing, I have been isolated except with contact for a few friends. My ex decided to ask out my sister, so yeah etiquette is out the window. I gave dating apps like a hinge a try near the holidays as I found that I disliked being alone. And I got hits but really didn't care to continue things further with anyone. After much complaining to get my friends to invite me more places, one of my friends also had one of their friends move down here to Berkeley from east coast. So not really a student or local. My friend talked about this person for a bit before they arrived, saying how his family treated him badly back home and was looking to start a new life here. He has anxiety, depression and ADHD like me, but he also has ASD, and how black cargo pants guy might make a good friend. Unfortunately when I met the guy, I had one of my meltdowns but the guy didn't seem upset, just kinda understanding. After that I had a planned hangout with my friend to do lsd and stare at nature. Wow that was an interesting day, my friend just ranted while I found it hard to speak. Among the things my friend ranted about like how I should be more opened minded, they also seemed to have an epiphanic ongoing ruminations that black cargo pants guy would be a better fit for me to hang out with than them. Like they kept bringing up his name at least 30 times, and kept saying things like, "oh black cargo pants guy would be better at talking to you, oh he would be better at helping you out, you guys are just so similar" etc. etc. I didn't know if it was my friend speaking out of insecurity or if it was genuinely what they believed but it definitely peaked my interest in the guy. That same night, still rolling on lsd my friend took me back to their house (same one I was kicked out of) and to their room to later watch football in the entertainment room. Black cargo pants guy was there but wearing compression workout clothes and I'm telling you the dude is FIT!! 6ft 202lbs of muscle 🥵 Barely hung out that night because lsd and football bro nerd vibes are weird, but I hang out wiff mah friend and this guy at a party later the next week. We hears black cargo pants and long black jacket at the party, a dam shame. He is kinda nerdy, white w/ blonde/redish-brown hair. Wears metal shirts and has these huge coke bottle glasses. He isn't that great at socializing, so I basically just let him rant about his life. He is a dedicated Tuba player who has been out of college for awhile and basically ranted about his routines. He works out a lot, eats 3000 to 4000 calories a day, and jogs everywhere. He also rly into smoking hemp strains that help with his cogitative function, while I just smoke thc to cope and I'm lazy as shit. XD Things didn't flow smoothly at the party, I guess he wanted to talk to other people, but still agreed to hang out with him at my place the next day. I decide to watch Nope, a fav of mine, and he was playing footsies. After the movie we started talking about our abusive family members and just growing up in that environment and how awkward it is for us to socialize with other people. So you know trooma bonding lulz. Anyways as we were talking we started taking clothes off and cuddling. He wanted a kiss, I got nervous and said maybe next time. Said I wasn't looking for a fling and more of a relationship, he said he wanted that too. I think a day or too later and we hang out again, but this time I let him kiss me, and the dude gets so hyper and just wanted to do a multitude of sex of acts. 🤯 And I was like, sure why not, I'm in mah fuckin 30s, yolo. He was really vulgar, like loud as fuck with dirty talk, I've actually gotten complaints in my housing. But tbh, I also find it kinda hot. >__> Also really aggressive the first few times, just wanting to be all over me. And it had been awhile since I had an experience like that. Basically have been dating this guy for a month now. He is really sweet and has been understanding of my attitude at times. But also he has been in Cali for like 6 weeks now, and hasn't found a job or place to live. He has a huge savings, more than the average person, so could afford to stay somewhere for at least a yr or more. My friend just suggest today that he move in with me to split rent and I'm like whoaaaaaa O___O That's kinda fast. Probably won't be another month from now but like I just don't want things to ruin this relationship because I do like the guy. He is very patient with my outbursts, and always has fascinating topics like how different drugs can help people cope with the conditions. He also encourages me to be my loud adhd self that I'm so scared people will treat me badly for like they did in my last student housing. And just really sexually adventurous, kinda making me question my asexual identity. 😅 But I know living with someone can drastically how much you are in people's spaces. Not having that space to breathe can smother a relationship, it kinda happened to my last one. I easily get overwhelmed too, but I honestly could use the rent support here in the bay area, and so far he does seem understanding. tldr; A friend brought black cargo pants guy from the east coast to live in cali, we trooma bond as lonely indivduals than immediately start fucking, now he may move in w/ me because bay area housing is that bad

I did mention to like 3 people that I feel like my whole experience is being gaslit on what was going on here. One dear friend took offense, then I framed the situation that I should be grateful for everything, and she realized that was the wrong mentality. Because I really have been harmed. It is so hard for people to acknowledge that they have immensely negatively affected someone, from housing, to their relationships, and people's way of just dealing with it is not acknowledging me at all. That would drive most insane. I'm isolating from my friends because of this behavior, but I am just getting so triggered the few times I do see them and their lack of empathy.

Awwww shit here we go again I was kicked out almost a year ago, and still affects me deeply. It was so vicious, and no one wants to acknowledge how bad it was because they still have to live with the people as managers in their house. And don't want to see the people they live with as bad people. Ironically, I'm taking an American history class on Immigration law, and get to see the ins and outs of forceful removal and policies of exclusion. So also the laws that we deemed someone a "2nd class citizen" as a way to prevent them from interacting with society. And the parallels are incredibly triggering, but this is also the type of history I'm interested in. It makes me think how in history people cherish the rights gained of due process, where for 1000's of years humans came together as a collective, and realized the importance of someone being fairly heard and the ability to provide evidence was a sacred human right. And then reading about how quickly people created the process of "citizen" to deny people those rights to treat them harshly in their own social engineering. Or just how someone having mental illness was grounds to have someone forced out cities, and later nations. Many times, they blocked me out of discussions about me, prevented me from being present so lies could tell the story of me. I had to delete the people from social media who kicked me out. Because I knew they were not afraid of me, they were gathering "evidence" they could use on why I was a dangerous person. They were still holding meetings of the year, deciding if I could visit some friends there. The most recent, and final meeting was right when the semester started. Of course I was travelling during the year, and the people of the house grew closer, and when I came back, I lost a lot more friends. A lot of people telling me they were in the right, and my friends saying they don't trust me. You know what the last thing I want to hear from friends starting my new semester is? That they are afraid of me being too crazy, even though I never asked a single one to take me to the house. One friend who used to invite me, deadass said "I'm afraid you being around is going to mess with my popularity in the house". Again, I never asked them to invite me. I even told this friend early, do not advocate for me, because it is going where you down, and you are going to hate me for it. And here we are. People are just also assuming that I am trying to do anything to get into the house, and it's like, I could apply again if I wanted too, and haven't. Friends are literally telling me "FIND OTHER COMMUNITIES" and it's like, I'm not even trying to be apart of this one, I just wanted to go to a few dinners to see friends once in awhile, and I never even really asked that out of people. And the most triggering thing is, how much my friends don't believe in me. How much they are starting to believe that I am some kind of unstable threat, when I'm not even asking of things. How much they treat me like I am some kind of monster who has never even physically touched anyone. By degree certified therapists and psychiatrists, they only threat I am too, is myself. And it feels incredibly like shit starting a school semester not only knowing that you don't have a family, or strong social unit, but that no one really believes in you either. They don't think you are a capable person. And I am trying so fucking hard to put all my energy into school into school. The best thing that I read this week, from one of the my history readings, was an immigrant who became a citizen when there was an outright exclusion law against it, and he was "they don't want us here, but we are here living our lives in defiance". I like that my professors say I am good at finding the themes and being critical of historical biases. I want to put my energy into my academic career, where I can be in a stable situation where no one can decide my fate like that again. I just have to deal with people constantly doubting me, and forced isolation, when they are the ones projecting these things on me. /rant

I got a sad rant, just kinda like an incoherent babbling rant, not too much anger, but long and droning. Was thinking of putting it in the thunderdome, but it really isn't angry, so I'm wondering if I should post here. Or is there somewhere else? Edit: I'mma post it below, and I guest the post can move if it's in the wrong place. >__>

Just thinking about communities and concepts of home and familiarity. And it occurred to me, the only community I am apart of is this one for over 10 years. And I'm happy I have known this community for over 10 years. Some people have home they can go to, a guardian or best friends that feel like family. I don't have that right now, and just got scared at the idea of losing the boards.