rants Haters/Complainers: Legacy of Spleen

[Chappi]

I heard a ton of Christmas music during vacation, but Underneath the Tree is the one I hate the most. You don’t have to yell every line of the song!

Just when you think the verses are loud enough as it is, the chorus is an outright assault on your eardrums. I would compare the song with being stuck in an elevator with one person who stares directly into your eyes as they rip the loudest, wettest fart they can muster. 

And never let anyone else sing Wonderful Christmastime. The original has the fortune of Paul McCartney having the whimsical grandma energy to pass off its chanting and synth splats as Nanna getting tipsy at the Christmas party. 

Replacing Paul’s 80s schmaltz with American Idol vocals and bombastic production is absolute torture. Those covers wouldn’t feel out of place on a playlist Jigsaw would make for a Christmas-themed Saw trap. In their purest essence, they capture the experience of frantically searching for the most popular toy in the city with the same desperation and existential panic as the third chimp on Noah’s ark.