Codename: Jackass

Now I don't want any part in cannibalism, but I will assist in the murder.

Panhandling is always a popular avenue. Just make a sign out of cardboard, make it say something really pathetic like "Lost HOUSE lost CAR now HOMELESS ANYTHING helps" in really closely bunched script (but spell it right, it won't be convincing otherwise) and sit yourself outside the local Walmart or McDonald's. Now, the hard part will be going without a shower for a few days. Also make sure to wear the same clothes. If anyone at your current job asks, just tell them that you're experimenting with a more carbon-neutral lifestyle, they'll buy it hook line and sinker and you may get a few people to join. Don't elaborate any more than you have to, this is key. Keep some mystique without making upper management think you're having a mental breakdown. You may also want to starve yourself for a few days to get the gaunt, malnourished look just right. There was this Christian Bale movie a few years back called The Machinist where he played a guy with insomnia who also wouldn't eat. Bale would limit himself to a can of tuna fish, an apple and copious amounts of black coffee for about a month until filming was complete. This is extremely effective. A month is probably too long, but a week or so is the sweet spot. Remain vigilant while panhandling. Real bums may resent you encroaching on their turf so be ready to throw down. Watch for people who may call the cops, especially look out for nosy, middle-aged white women, fearful children with big mouths or store employees. If they start scoping you out too hard, immediately relocate. If you see police, very carefully extricate yourself from the situation. Take up a running regimen and learn the areas where you plan to beg so that you don't get boxed in and also can outrun the pigs. Refuse offers of food or other non-monetary handouts. This is about earning cold hard cash money and those suckers who are trying to give you food aren't helping you earn that extra scratch. Be rude and angry, violent if need be, without resorting to physical attacks. That's a sure way to end up in the nuthouse on a 72-hour psych hold, and that's 72 hours that you won't be scraping up spare change off the pavement. If you play your cards right, you'll make five bucks a day. EZ MONEY BOOOOIIIIII.

I'm going to abstain from masturbation today, purely out of spite.

Guess which one is in control right now? *laughs evilly while rubbing hands together*

Getting more than two ketchup packets at the drive-thru.

The Party Van is the FBI van that comes to raid your house.

you're not helping

we must go deeper

no sir you must throw it out the window trust me I'm a 20 years computer analyst I know how these things end up

must... not... post porn... fuck

Me too, Nabby my boy... me too.

the only solution is to throw it out the window

drinking thinking about masturbating but probably don't need to wishing I could punch that asshole Will in the face

That reminds me, I've got a wasp nest in my roof somewhere and they're only going to come back stronger this summer. I don't have money for an exterminator and I don't want to pull the overhanging off my house, especially if all it's going to get me is a face full of welts. What do I do? I've considered burning down the house, but I'm not quite ready to go that route.

You think he finally got a visit from the Party Van? That would be too appropriate, wouldn't it? I shouldn't get my hopes up.

Best feeling is that time of evening around early fall when the days are still warm but the nights are starting to cool off, the last crickets are lazily chirping. Sit out on the back porch, preferably with some friends, maybe a nice firepit going, beer in hand. Winter's coming but it's nice now.

In the year 2070, most of the world's major cities will have become vast Pleasure Domes reserved exclusively for the Excelsiites, the neo-upper class, while the lower class Depth Grovelers will toil away underground for their Excelsiite overlords, digging for nuggets of neoplasmin.

Yah my parents smeared Turkish dessert on my face as a child.

That feel when it took forever for me to learn the difference between baklava and balaclava.

I've received scratch-offs as a stocking stuffer a couple times though I never expressed interest in them. I think I won a dollar on one of them and never cashed it in. I'll buy a lottery ticket every now and then vainly hoping I might score a quick but, though it's mostly to remind myself that shit's fucking designed specifically to part fools with their money. But maybe the next one will be the lucky one! Can't win if ya don't play! Also, getting back to the gift thing, I had some woman come into my store asking to buy $1000 worth of tickets, all in the $1-2 dollar range, presumably for gifts. We sold her about $370 worth until we were out, and then she looked at us like she didn't believe us when we said we were out, even though we pulled all the rolls out and counted them in front of her. Hmmm...

I live thirty miles from the Oklahoma border, and there's a casino about thirty minutes away. There's an even bigger one about an hour away. There's one bigger than that about two hours away.