Codename: Jackass

You were having a premonition. Avoid parking lots from now on.

Every once in a while I'll get some poor soul in there asking me if we sell torch lighters or the "roses in a tube". We did sell torch lighters for a minute but they kept getting stolen, so that stopped. This company likes to purport themselves as a "family business" so they usually don't have much in the way of paraphernalia, but we do have Chore Boy, so that's saying something.

The trend in the 2030s will be to get gill surgery. Might as well get ready.

Let's stay on the surface where the hazards are more or less familiar.

No, never. Who would ever suspect? Totally just a couple of completely normal sober individuals checking out whooooaaaa that's a big fish, imagine if you... were like that fish... daaaaamn. [loud guffaw as I watch the fish]

It's times like these that I think about being asleep in that room, and then feeling that one drip-drip-drip of water somewhere on the bed and then being crushed by the massive amount of water around me on all sides. Sleep tight.

It's rare that I sell a whole display box. However, we are prepared. Our cigarillo inventory is overstocked, it's time to rock n' roll.

You drive a hard bargain.

I doubt it. They usually go for several packs of different flavors, ya know, for variety's sake.

I really should have beat his ass, all I did was throw him down but I figured "that'll show him" which was my biggest mistake. I was afraid of getting in trouble and not used to fighting. The school cop had been keeping an eye on us because we had broken off from the main group of spectators, it was during the annual bonfire that we had the night before the big crosstown football game. Sure enough, as soon as the fight started that's when he came strolling up. I had some buddies who were about to jump in but of course the fucking fuzz had to ruin it.

I have some mental issues that are exacerbated by marijuana, which really really sucks, because I used to like getting high. Sober I'm usually pretty good, but when I have cannabis in my system I tend to have mood swings, anxiety, paranoia, start having auditory hallucinations and if I go HAM I'll have panic attacks and depersonalization events. Never had full blown psychosis, but I know I was headed for it. Not embellishing, either, I'm as tolerant toward cannabis as anyone you'll meet and was a habitual user throughout my teen years. Oh well. You take the good you take the bad you take them both and then you have... the facts of life.

Last weed seizure I experienced had me living in third person view for about a month.

I get really paranoid and I'd rather toke up before we hit the aquarium but I'm sure Mr. Sea Turtle and his buddy Ms. Manta Ray will be very very interesting once I'm faded.

Ain't no party like a kief bowl party cuz a kief bowl party where are the brownies?

I have enough money right now to spend an hour there. let party

This kid had been trying to pick a fight with me for a couple weeks and I don't even know why, I wasn't some big tough guy or anything and I'd literally never met him, I don't know what his fucking problem was. He transferred schools like a week later so I never had a chance to really 1v1 him but it's not in my nature to seek revenge like that. I chalk it up to being a jumped up little turd who thought he had something to prove.

Well, not kill, just hit him in the head with a heavy pint glass. Also, when you're in the moment and you're pissed off and the adrenaline's flowing, sometimes it makes sense to kick someone while they're down. It's only once the rational part of your brain starts working again that you really think about how it made you feel. I've really only been in one actual fight. It was back in high school and I didn't even throw a punch, the dude started punching me in the back of the head and then when I turned around to beat the shit out of him I tripped. It didn't even really hurt, it was more annoying, especially since he was swinging like an idiot and had no force behind them. Then four of his friends held me back and started going "NAH NAH IT'S OVER HE WON". That was really more humiliating than anything.

Congratulations!

That's a wild one. Personally, I've always wondered what it's like to glass a man, like that scene in The Departed.

I'm sorry.

at least you don't have an acorn penis

#ASSMAN

TELL MY SONS I'M NOT RETURNING THEY CAN KEEP THEIR LAND AND TITLES EUNUCHS FOR THEIR ROMAN IDOLS