A new challenger appears

[Real_AirCooledGirl]

I've met an amazing woman who has made me forget all about my hormone doctor. "Charlotte" and I met at a Trans Day of Remembrance vigil last November. We've also attended other meetings with our local network of trans support groups together since then. She and I have also hung out as well. This one night that we were out together, I'll never forget it. Charlotte and I talked about our common interests and experiences and really clicked. Right now, we're friends. But I plan to shoot my shot with her at some point. We get along great and like at least some of the same stuff. She's a single mom with two sons, and those sons both like me. I met "Dilbert" and "Wenceslas" when I met her. And knowing that Charlotte is bi, I have at least some chance with her.

One thing nags at me, though. Charlotte had a wife who passed away ten years ago from, IIRC, ovarian cancer. That on its own is no skin off my back at all. Bear in mind that I've never dated a widow before, nor a single mom, nor a widowed single mom. It's just new territory to me. But here's the part that nags at me: She has a tattoo commemorating that wife with the phrase "Forever My Lady" at the bottom of it. While understandable, it begs the question: How am I supposed to compete with the memory of a deceased spouse? I really like Charlotte; I just don't want to feel like I have to compete with those memories. Yes, I get that widowed people get themselves back out there, date, and remarry all the time. I just don't know how to navigate this. There have been nights where I've cried thinking about how much I want to be with Charlotte and not knowing if I'd have to compete with those memories. At the same time, I don't want to spend my whole life wondering what could have been, and I've always been shy about asking girls out. I've often felt I'd rather be the one getting asked out. Considering this is a potential sapphic relationship we're talking about, this means different dynamics than a cis-het relationship. Different courtship rituals, different communication styles, different communication styles. And in this case, we're both femme girls. I've always gone for other femme girls. Not to say I wouldn't give a tomboy or cute butch the time of day, but I've always been attracted to femininity.

Has anyone else here been in a similar predicament?

[Vamped]

-Have y'all been on dates or just hanging out?

-You shouldn't be worried about competing with a dead spouse because you can't.

-Sounds like you're trying to strategically navigate your way into a relationship, just be yourself. It'll work or it won't

-I think you're hyping up potential problems in lesbian relationships. What differences do you expect there to be in dating this particular person vs any other person you've dated ... single parenting aside? If anything, the single parent thing will probably be more of an adjustment because the kids will always be the higher priority and kids get sick/need things even if you make plans in advance or not

 

I'm still the same person whether I'm flirting with a woman or a man so I dunno ... 

 

 

[Stonergoth187]

I haven't been in a similar situation,  but I think liking someone romantically is pretty universal. I wouldn't doubt it if she already has a hunch that you like her. You've met her family and I'd say just shoot the shot. There are different kinds of love and it doesn't matter the gender or situation. Being intimidated by her deceased partner is a normal feeling to have. I think she'll understand and you guys could talk about it.

[Stonergoth187]

Sometimes you just gotta make your move. You said you're shy and in the past you felt you'd rather be the one asked out. But it can be cute when the shy person has bouts of boldness. Imo. 

Edited April 12, 2022 by Stonergoth187
Grammar and autocorrect

[bnmjy]

47 minutes ago, Real_AirCooledGirl said:

 I met "Dilbert" and "Wenceslas" when I met her.  

I can't

[Lemming]

Thank you source.  Let no-one tread on Mei.

[scoobdog]

You don't compete with the memory of a former spouse.  It sounds cliche to say you need to make your own memories with someone who's lost a loved one, but what it means is that you have to create a unique relationship with that person.  She isn't the same person as she was when she was with her late wife, so what she needs out of your relationship is not what she needed then.  Focus on what Charlotte needs now, and go from there.

[naraku360]

5 hours ago, Real_AirCooledGirl said:

How am I supposed to compete with the memory of a deceased spouse?

You don't.

Let her have her memories. They aren't your business unless she brings it up for some reason.

[André Toulon]

Why aren't her kids Luther and Antwan?

[André Toulon]

4 hours ago, bnmjy said:

I can't

Shit, I knew I couldn't have been the first....

Well, at least this precursor let's me know this will go tits up.

I don't think a few social lessons need to be implemented here

[Real_AirCooledGirl]

11 hours ago, Vamped said:

-Have y'all been on dates or just hanging out?

-You shouldn't be worried about competing with a dead spouse because you can't.

-Sounds like you're trying to strategically navigate your way into a relationship, just be yourself. It'll work or it won't

-I think you're hyping up potential problems in lesbian relationships. What differences do you expect there to be in dating this particular person vs any other person you've dated ... single parenting aside? If anything, the single parent thing will probably be more of an adjustment because the kids will always be the higher priority and kids get sick/need things even if you make plans in advance or not

 

I'm still the same person whether I'm flirting with a woman or a man so I dunno ... 

 

 

1. So far, just hanging out. But I'd like for Charlotte and I to start dating at some point. She doesn't seem to be seeing anyone at the moment.

2. I've always thought of things strategically. But you're right about being myself. This is the first time I've actually been able to be myself. No longer do I have to be Bruce Wayne by day and Batgirl by night.

3. I was never a single parent myself but I do have a half-sister who's fifteen years younger than me. In the case of Charlotte's kids, they're pretty independent and they're both good kids. If things progress far enough with her, I'm sure I could handle being a cool stepmom.

4. There is no four.

5. With Charlotte, there's a rapport with her that I've never gotten from most other girls I've dated. Our lives have been quite different but there's also a lot of similarities. She transitioned five years ago; I'll crack the two-year mark this August. We both knew we were misidentified girls at the same point in our lives (around 6-7 years old). We're both gamer girls. We both love to cook. We both have pretty worldly tastes in food as opposed to, say, boring old mashed potatoes. As for video games, she was shocked to learn I never had an NES growing up. I was a Sega kid first and foremost and didn't own any Nintendo hardware until the launch of the N64. There's some other stuff but I don't have time to get into it right now because I have to go to work. I'll elaborate later on at my earliest convenience.

[bnmjy]

Joking aside, it actually sounds like you have a much better shot with her than doctor lady. Good luck.

[Real_AirCooledGirl]

On 4/12/2022 at 10:25 AM, bnmjy said:

Joking aside, it actually sounds like you have a much better shot with her than doctor lady. Good luck.

Believe you me, Charlotte has made me forget all about my hormone doctor. It's not like I see the good doctor often enough to establish that kind of connection with her. Charlotte is another story. And we both at least have the shared experiences and common interests going for us. We have a meeting coming up next week; hopefully she'll be there. Think I'll get to know Charlotte some more and see where things go from there.

When we shared war stories about our respective transition experiences, there were some laughs shared between us. There was some shocking stuff, at least to her. I never had to deal with chasers so far and she was surprised by that when I told her. Charlotte, on the other hand, has had to put up with chasers. She tells me I eventually will have to do the same.

I love Charlotte to death, knowing how much we have in common and our instant rapport. I'd like to believe that she and I would have kicked some ass if we met in high school, even though we'd have to be a little closer in age for that to be possible. And maybe in some parallel universe, that's the case. Perhaps we'd have both transitioned earlier in life, at or around the same time as each other (i.e., one of us could have given the other the courage to come out and live authentically). If all that had been the case, I think maybe she and I would have even dated each other.

[Real_AirCooledGirl]

A new development: Charlotte and I have hung out again recently. It was after a post-meeting dinner nearly two weeks ago. She joined us after that trans group meeting. She's healed from her vocal surgery and sounds like herself. We were at this gay restaurant and bar for dinner. It was dance floor night so I was out on the dance floor with some other people. Tried to get Charlotte out dancing with us, but she sat and talked to some of our friend group. Afterwards, she and I hung out in her car and talked about stuff. I didn't get home until around 1:30 and went to bed at 2:30 in the morning that night. But I did take a step toward shooting my shot with Charlotte. I told her that I would date her in a heartbeat. She laughed, then I said: "No, seriously, I would date you. In a yoctosecond." Charlotte said she was crazy; I told her I don't mind a crazy girl like her. We've seen each other a few more times since then. Most recent was last Friday; we went to that same bar for a drag show. Being a drag show, it was too loud for us to hear each other talking. So after the show, I then asked if she was doing anything this coming Saturday because I'm off from work that day. She's free that day. So we may end up hanging out again. I could ramp things up another notch or two and see where it goes from there.

[scoobdog]

Laying it on a bit thick, are we? 

[Vamped]

Just ask her out. 

 

[PenguinBoss]

Tell her you have a spot saved for her in your new regime.

[scoobdog]

2 hours ago, Vamped said:

Just ask her out. 

 

Pretty sure Charlotte already turned her down without her directly asking.  I mean "You don't want me, I'm too crazy," isn't a promising sign unless you're a ignorant fool.

[cyberbully]

5 hours ago, Real_AirCooledGirl said:

 Charlotte said she was crazy

This is where she wrote you off and tried to let you down easy....Further pursuit will likely leave you friendless, but I definitely hope you don't take my advice,

[Vamped]

9 hours ago, scoobdog said:

Pretty sure Charlotte already turned her down without her directly asking.  I mean "You don't want me, I'm too crazy," isn't a promising sign unless you're a ignorant fool.

 

 

She's not going to stop trying unless Charlotte tells her straight out. I've been Charlotte, trying to reject someone softly. Some people you just have to tell them 

I've gone down a whole list of reasons not to date me including IM NOT LOOKING TO DATE

and they'll still be like .... oh well ... we can be friends until you're ready

I dont want to be friends, leave me alone!

 

So she might as well just ask her straight out and get a definite answer or she's just gonna keep hoping 

 

[scoobdog]

1 minute ago, Vamped said:

 

 

She's not going to stop trying unless Charlotte tells her straight out. I've been Charlotte, trying to reject someone softly. Some people you just have to tell them 

I've gone down a whole list of reasons not to date me including IM NOT LOOKING TO DATE

and they'll still be like .... oh well ... we can be friends until you're ready

I dont want to be friends, leave me alone!

 

So she might as well just ask her straight out and get a definite answer or she's just gonna keep hoping 

 

She’s not going to stop trying until Charlotte stops responding to her calls and even then I’m not so sure.

[mthor]

1 hour ago, scoobdog said:

She’s not going to stop trying until Charlotte stops responding to her calls and even then I’m not so sure.

What was it that Zeni used to say about restraining orders?

[Real_AirCooledGirl]

A new development: I shot my shot with Charlotte a couple weeks ago. It was after an event at a local LGBTQ+ center. We went to a gay joint for dinner and drinks that night. After Charlotte and I paid our bills, we left the restaurant together, got some ice cream, then sat on a bench on the boardwalk (it's a beach town) and talked for what must have been 2½ hours. She knew the whole time that I had a crush on her. I then told her everything: My spotty dating history, fear of rejection, shyness, you name it. It was 1:30 in the morning when we got ready to head back home. But before we left, she asked me out on a date. My response? "God yes!" Fast-forward to last Wednesday, 1-VI. Charlotte and I went out on a date. We hit another gay bar for drinks and tacos. Then we hung out in and around town, talking about stuff. I didn't get home til the wee hours of the morning. Not long before I got out of her car to go to bed (it was after 4:30 in the morning), we made out. Nothing further than that happened, just playing the ol' tonsil hockey. Charlotte told me she had a crush on me this whole time as well. We kissed each other until after 5 in the morning. When I went to bed that night, I did so with a smile on my face. We're now figuring out a second date; I've texted her my work schedule so we both know when to go out again.

Right now, we're taking things slow before making anything official. But damn, I hope things go great guns between us. At our most recent group meeting, we all got wind of a queer prom that another trans group in D.C. is throwing this September. I've asked Charlotte to it. Her face lit up. When she asked if I was really asking her out, I said, "As Ash said to Pikachu, 'I choose you.'" We plan on going and trying on dresses to find our style. She wants a dress that goes all the way down to the floor. I myself lean toward anything with a thigh slit. Can't wait for our second date. We'll see where things go between us from there.

[Nablonsky]

On 4/11/2022 at 10:24 PM, Real_AirCooledGirl said:

. I met "Dilbert" and "Wenceslas"

Incredible

[Insipid]

11 hours ago, Real_AirCooledGirl said:

Right now, we're taking things slow before making anything official. But damn, I hope things go great guns between us. At our most recent group meeting, we all got wind of a queer prom that another trans group in D.C. is throwing this September. I've asked Charlotte to it. Her face lit up. When she asked if I was really asking her out, I said, "As Ash said to Pikachu, 'I choose you.'" We plan on going and trying on dresses to find our style. She wants a dress that goes all the way down to the floor. I myself lean toward anything with a thigh slit. Can't wait for our second date. We'll see where things go between us from there.

You know I'm really happy for you, but I'm pretty sure Ash never says that. He gets Pikachu because he was late and all the other starter Pokemon had already been taken.

[Vamped]

2 hours ago, Insipid said:

You know I'm really happy for you, but I'm pretty sure Ash never says that. He gets Pikachu because he was late and all the other starter Pokemon had already been taken.

Why you come in here with that? XD

He says it eventually .... alot 

[Vamped]

13 hours ago, Real_AirCooledGirl said:

 We plan on going and trying on dresses to find our style. She wants a dress that goes all the way down to the floor. I myself lean toward anything with a thigh slit. Can't wait for our second date. We'll see where things go between us from there.

A long dress with a thigh split or a short one?

 

[Insipid]

5 hours ago, Vamped said:

Why you come in here with that? XD

He says it eventually .... alot 

True, but she chose to say "said" instead of "says," so it implies the first encounter instead of Ash's habits.

[Real_AirCooledGirl]

A new update: This past Sunday, Charlotte and I went on our third date. We sang karaoke at a gay joint, went on the beach together, did as much stargazing as the light pollution in town would allow. Things got physical between us, but short of outright snu-snu. It's getting pretty serious between us now.

Meanwhile, she and I are going to NYC Pride tomorrow. She got a bus ticket within the past week. We've decided to wear dresses together for the occasion.

[DeadwingLazarus]

Congrats! Hope things last a very long time.

[Real_AirCooledGirl]

On 6/29/2022 at 7:34 PM, DeadwingLazarus said:

Congrats! Hope things last a very long time.

Thanks!

Pride was great. Charlotte and I cuddled together riding the bus both ways. The bus dropped us off at Union Square and we stuck near there watching the parade. We also bought some Pride stuff from vendors. She got a pansexual flag button and some other stuff, including a dessert we shared. I got trans and lesbian flag buttons and a bracelet. For lunch, we ate at Little Italy Pizza; best pizza I've ever had. The stuff we have in DE doesn't compare. That's a hill I'm willing to die on. I would definitely go there again, Pride or otherwise.

After we got back to DE, Charlotte and I went on a post-Pride date. We hit a gay bar and one other bar and had drinks. This one guy she briefly dated came up and tried to back the mack on her until he saw us holding hands at our table. That's when I turned on my bitch face and told him he had a better chance of throwing a baseball with enough force to reach escape velocity and land in a precise spot on the heart of Pluto. After we left the second bar, we sat on a bench on the boardwalk and made out like a pair of teenagers. Charlotte got on top of me, put her tongue down my throat, then asked if I'd be her girlfriend. I said yes! So as of 26-VI-2022, we're now officially an item! I'm so happy with her I could burst!

[Vamped]

Ended pride month with a bang 

 

 

[Real_AirCooledGirl]

15 minutes ago, Vamped said:

Ended pride month with a bang 

 

 

That I did. Charlotte and I are so happy and in love!

After the holiday weekend is over, we're going to go out sometime. Probably going to her house for my days off. Maybe hit Ocean City, MD, and catch a fireworks show with her. It'll be so awesome, the two of us kissing under the fireworks. I've also got two new stepsons in the package deal. Dilbert is so happy I'm with his mom. I'm sure Wenceslas is, too.