Skiles

On one channel, Star Trek: Enterprise, starring Scott Bakula. On the very next channel? God damn NCIS: New Orleans. Starring who? Fuckin' Scott Bakula. I just went back-to-back on Bakula. Back-to-Bakula, if you will.

See, I was thinking we cut out the middle man. I'll just lay on the floor naked on my back and let my dick get zapped by lightning.

I can't imagine anything in the world I want less.

Not at work. But when I get home, my penis is going to get a stern talking-to, let me tell ya.

Unless he's gonna jerk me off, I don't know how much help he'll be.

eh, it's whatever. I'll probably survive.

Fucker won't leave me alone. And it wasn't even caused by anything. I'm just sitting here at my desk at work and my dick is just like, "LET'S FUCKING GOOOO"

Uhh... thanks?

Well I'm damn sure not gonna smile. It's a selfie. 😛

Shoutout to Dusty Diamond. His life was... uhhh... lived. 😐

Wait, I just remembered she died. But she would still be hot. 😐

Dude, I still wish my 7th grade French teacher would've victimized my 12-year-old self. I'll bet she's still fucking gorgeous.

Murdered my beard.

My hook-up is worth having to live in the swamp.

Since you're on step 9, it feels like a good time to tell you this. I want my apology in writing.

it's pretty original, I'll give you that.

I'm terribly frightened, honestly.

YOUR SERVICES ARE NEEDED

For cooked foods, you could sell me. For uncooked meat that I'm sticking in the freeze for up to a month, no chance.

Move to Louisiana, get Medicare and Medicaid, then call me. I got the fuckin' hook-up on those specialist visits. 😉 Good luck, my dude.

Please come to Omaha and do ride service so I can stop missing work because fuckers are afraid of weather. We need someone with your dedication.

Sometimes it's just enough to know the bed is there. At least that's what I tell myself when I pass out on my bedroom floor.

That would be very funny if I saved a used condom, though. According to Prince, the woman he sings about in "Little Red Corvette" was just carrying some around. Which is something I don't think gets talked about enough.

Condoms in the kitchen? I already like the vibe of your home.

I'm pretty sure I got it from a clinic in 2015 and just forgot about it. I'm damn sure not gonna use this old-ass thing, but I almost don't wanna throw it away. It's almost nostalgic. Makes me remember a time when I was actually sexually active enough to think, "I'll probably need this."