Sounds like you're getting tired of it. If you want to make a change, it's possible. I've seen 50 year old addicts that thought they'd just die get clean and live great lives. I've seen all kinds of people who were considered lost causes get well. I'm sure you're not as far gone as those folks.
It's worth a shot is all I'm saying. Take care of yourself regardless.
Also i have no clue who you are. If you wanna talk more that's cool. I'm not the most attentive but I'm here. Good luck.