Doom Metal Alchemist

Arnold Schwarzen****r. LOL "Bigga Nigga" is simultaneously way dumber and way funnier than my punchline.

Oh, also, years ago I came up with a very similar offensive joke. What do you call a black body builder? I'll leave it to you to figure out the punchline.

I have not heard of that movie. He was in Independence Day, though.

Took me a beat.

My guess was "a puppy."

HA! I guessed it right!

I most likely haven't, lol.

Warning: Some people may find this offensive. Anyway... What is Harvey Firestein's favorite brand of gum?

I've tasted balloons. They do not taste like chocolate, dark or otherwise, to me.

I gotta call bullshit on that.

Just a couple nights ago I was watching a shit ton of clips on youtube of interviews with the cast and crew of Seinfeld, and Festivus was a holiday actually created by the father of one of the show's writers. The writer was telling Larry David about it, and Larry was like, "make that into a show." The writer actually had no intention of putting it in the show before that. Though the show embellished some of it. The real life Festivus did not have a pole. That was all the interview said. I am really curious if the real life Festivus had The Feats of Strength or The Airing of Grievances.

This needs to go on a motherfucking t-shirt.

I'm sorry, but this is horrible. Anyway, off the top of my head, my mom wouldn't let me watch MTV throughout my entire childhood and adolescence. I still did behind her back, though. She also wouldn't let us have any rap music in the house. This didn't affect (effect?) me, but it did my brother. Once my brother and I had amassed three video game consoles (NES, SNES, and N64), my mom wouldn't let us get any more unless we got rid of one, because we "already had too many video games." That might not seem weird, but she wouldn't even let us have any more even if my brother and I paid for it ourselves. My brother and I both wanted a Playstation, but neither of us wanted to get rid of any of our Nintendos, so we never had any Playstations growing up. By the time the Game Cube came out, I had pretty much stopped playing video games and my brother moved out to college. OH This one applied to my brother only: When I first started learning guitar, my brother was not allowed to tell me I suck or discourage me, or even tell me to stop playing unless he was trying to do homework, study, or sleep. I didn't even know this until my brother told me this as an adult. He said at first he always wanted to tell me to stop because I sucked, but as I got better he actually enjoyed listening to me practice.

At work I stumbled upon a WOMEN'S swimsuit brand called Dixperfect. Thought it was funny.

I drink coffee just about every day. I'd much prefer to get all my caffeine from soda, but I already had to (and successfully did) reverse pre-diabetes. I put milk in my coffee and it's not so bad. It fucking sucks when you need bloodwork done and literally the only two things you are allowed to ingest are water and black (HAS to be black) coffee.

As it should.

I'm trying to figure out your name. Millie? Jillie? Mellie? Allie? Ellie? Lillie? Tillie? Sallie?

I knew people who like broccoli, peas, and kale can't be trusted.

Best. Movie. Ever.

Fixed.

You want to celebrate 4/20, but you're too straightedge for pot, so you celebrate it by smoking tobacco instead?

Happy easter!

No problem getting the marriage off to a rocky start, I see.

You want to see her naked right in front of your new bride?