Mix

This is the pic I'm giving security

Why must you always be difficult? I've given security a picture of your face....from now on, only people who tell me what I want to hear and laugh at my jokes are allowed near me

As it should.....there's a revolution coming Why are we chafing ourselves to death in spin class when we could be air humping ourselves into shape?

Invites to a taping? lol Not only do you guys not get invites, there will be a court mandated restraining order in place for all of you 😈 I'm starting to see how the power got to Ellen '>.>

See, this is why I never watch any award shows.... If there was a true accounting, this movie or show would have swept the oscars or emmys just based on this scene alone

They want me to replace Ellen!

think of the creative writing opportunities....have a different story on hand every time you have to explain it you owed some money to a bookie your neighbor didn't take too kindly to you shushing his dogs you fell down the stairs, wait that's the real one right? you were juggling knives you were listening to a very sharp song

dude, that looks gnarly Can I touch it?

You have a real talent for deflating my enthusiasm

sweet.....you have to bring someone with you, it's a two drink minimum, and we have to help clean up afterwards

You want to come to open mic night with me? You've got what it takes

carry on

I couldn't finish the video....and there are others....he's slowly attracting a growing crowd.....it's both funny and concerning >.>

Grammarly can help. Whether you're pouring your soul into an email for a loved one or crafting the ideal message to burn into your employer's lawn, grammarly will be there for you. Grammarly, because your last words should be your best.

why tho

His mustache will live on in all our hearts

it's one of life's little miracles like when you realize you're about to come too fast and you pull out and she says, "just come on my back, I just did the sheets"

i'm not saying you should be worried, but Elon Musk tweeted this a little while ago

I write ideas for jokes, but never write the jokes it's not a perfect system, but it's the only one I have

THEN they go, "alright now we need to find you somebody to marry" Indians don't fuck around Netflix - Indian Matchmaking ...thank me later

You've always been here