Hornshire

Um... Wow. Really was not expecting to do all that well. Thank you. Thanks to the judges. We're glad you found Our work entertaining, and are honored by this recognition. Thank you fellow contestants. It is good to hear there are solid pieces all around, and We look forward to reading the other entries. And certainly thank you That_One_Guy for putting this all together. Much appreciation for all the time and effort spent on this. That goes for everyone involved, but especially you. We will gladly run the next one.

Broken chains.

"Here" being planet Earth? And for the record, We checked four and a half out of the seven boxes.

Considering the fact that the process of entering a number to call is still referred to as dialing, despite rotary parts not being relevant for decades... No. They will be phones for all eternity.

Nothing lasts forever. Relationships conclude in one of two ways: breakups or death. There are no happy endings. Also, there's a word for this phenomenon of awkwardly navigating through unknown circumstances as they happen. It's called "living". And despite being little more than pain after misery after woe... It's not such a bad thing. The trick to enjoying it is not to avoid the oncoming troubles, or to brace for them so as to mitigate damage; but rather, it is simply a matter of being capable enough to clean up after whatever mess you end up in.

So your voice goes down when someone touches your cute little cock?

We should be so lucky.

True. But you already gave a sufficient example. More are not required.

Huh. Imagine that.

Anywhere but here, eh?

Maybe. Some people go to the aquarium to watch the dolphin jump through hoops, because they like having their expectations fulfilled. But We find having expectations defied to be far more interesting. So maybe not.

Let's see... Yep. Just your imagination.

Ugh. Spoken like a true beta. ... Please stop. We really don't want to be defending this position, but it's hard for your stance to actually be any weaker.

Most things, really. Fish. Plates. Blankets. Tacos. Deodorant. Coins. Wrappers (not to be confused with rappers, as many of those are.) Mice. Cookies. Knives. Pants. Butter. Hair. Not at all a comprehensive list, but We hope you get the idea.

That's not a letter...

Aye

You're a piece of shit. Doesn't matter how pure your intentions, you cannot justify the act of buying crocs.

Oh, honey. You come sooo close to being adorable when you speak of topics you know nothing about. Like thinking.

Indeed. Also, when pigs fly, they soar majestically.

It happens almost daily. Things like: "Good morning", "How's it going?", "That's neat", "Oh, that's the worst", "Really?", "I love you", "Take care", "I know, right?", "How fun", "Literally"

Here's a much simpler list: Who not to be friends with: People who you don't have fun with Boom. Done. The bulk of actual substance in that article was scale back when you're not enjoying and confront people about things that bother you. Do guys really need to be instructed to do these things? This isn't like laundry we're dealing with here.

But the way you let the world know is by naming names... Sure, We can all agree in the abstract sense that women are capable of it, but nobody is going to change their perspective from "oh, it could happen" to "yeah, it does happen" without actual examples, without people coming forward with their stories. Otherwise scummy people just continue their scummy behavior.

Same.

Could be genuine. But really, We think they're trying to compensate for how hollow and empty they feel inside.

^ This @That_One_Guy