Codename: Jackass

The first time that NyQuil has ever been tolerable. I might drink the whole bottle just because it tastes so good.

Sounds good, when can I buy it?

I could once again prove my dominance in the field of spamming at 3:00 AM, but I will not.

CUT MY LIFE INTO PIZZA THIS IS MY PLASTIC FORK OVEN BAKING HEAVY BREATHING DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF IT'S CARBS THAT I'M EATING

When Hurricane Harvey hit last year, there was no bottled water on the shelves at my local markets. We had a run on gasoline at my store and we went through about 3500 gallons of unleaded in three hours. It was unbelievably busy, I've never seen anything like it. We ended up shutting the pumps off. I was running on 1/8 of a tank and couldn't fill up for a day and a half because all the stations in this town had the same problem. We live over 350 miles inland. It didn't even rain here.

Good day!

This place is better when Poofy is here. I offset your efforts, though.

MOST POINTS IN THE LEAGUE THIS WEEK. HOLD MAH DICK

I drove a Pontiac all summer. They don't even make those anymore!

I met a fugitive a few years ago but I do not know his whereabouts at this time.

I watched the owl that sits in front of my house snatch up a mouse in the vacant lot across the street.

What a stupid century the 19th was.

The only bathroom where I workis a public one. I won't touch cheek on rim unless I have personally cleaned it beforehand. I am also a master at ignoring the peristaltic waves.

The National Hurricane Center just released a statement. It reads "RIP IN PEACE, CAROLINAS." Very blunt but true.

Nice

I can't leave a good song half finished.

I haven't done any acting since I left school but I felt it helped me in some ways.

I'm going to eat a bullet

Break a leg. Look up Sanford Meisner.

Good day

I didn't have anywhere else to be.

If I know the people I show up early to pregame and get brownie points by helping them set up.

Yeah probably