Codename: Jackass

I can be a smoke buddy. I have stories. And Monopoly.

Okay, you're at an 8 and I'm gonna need you to take it down to about a 3.

Those days are behind me as well.

Go to bed!

Okay I'm sorry suck it was kind of mean.

Monday is one of my days off. I slept in all day. Suck it.

You could have died and also looked like shit. That's always an option.

I had a patented system where I'd take a gallon jug, poke a hole in the bottom, stuff some toilet paper in there and wet it down with Febreze, then Febreze the room afterward. Never got caught doing it that way.

I looked at it.

I also thought benji lived in California.

One day it snowed like eight inches here and I almost got stuck on the hill before I got home. That's about it. Oh, and the freezing rain that killed a bunch of trees.

One thing I've noticed though is that any time the subject comes up IRL of diets or weight loss, people always have these half baked or misinformed ideas about how to go about it that make no sense or contain a kernel of truth wrapped in a Gobstopper of garbage, and they usually provide it unsolicited, so I just don't say anything. As soon as you start showing results that other people notice they're all like "hey I heard if you eat beets five times a day you'll drop an extra ten pounds." Check out intermittent fasting, though. I do IF mostly because it helps curb my food cravings. Harvard did some studies on rats that shows it improved blood pressure, blood glucose levels and cholesterol, but they haven't done a study on humans yet. It works for me, but if you're losing weight and feeling good, keep doing your thing.

OH SHIT THE FIRST (AND STILL THE BEST) NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MUSIC FEATURING THE IMMORTAL CHERRY POPPIN' DADDIES AND HARVEY DANGER.

Just do the Twinkie diet. Mad fat burn. http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/11/08/twinkie.diet.professor/index.html

Gunt Fudgepacker Poppycock

Titillate Schadenfreude Cuckold Uvula

You could always go on an all-fruit diet some D-list celebrity endorsed because you saw it on Facebook.

Candy cigarettes Candy dots (the ones they put on wax paper, not Dots, which are great) Wax lips Tootsie Rolls. Don't @ me. Tootsie Pops get a pass.

Alright, I'm triggered.

I immediately disregard anyone who tries to tell me anything other than calories in/out. The cabbage soup diet or apple cider vinegar is bullshit or unsustainable.

It is very hard. Lost 125, gained about 90 back over the span of four years, and losing it the second time around has taken much longer. I rack disciprine.

George Noory sucks. RIP Art.

I just watched the commercial. I can see why MAGA nerds are so upset. Ya know, women are chattel and this is the year 500.