Lynnrael

i told my friend i didn't know why i feel so shitty right now, but that was a lie. how can i tell him that it's because i feel like I'm not good enough for him, and that that's all i want to be? he can't understand, the only way to find people who aren't going to be ableist about executive dysfunction in a video game is to find people who don't care about how good anyone else. we can't just find people who aren't ableist because EVERYONE who doesn't have a disability (and many who don't) are going to be ableist until they've done the work to unlearn much of what society has indoctrinated us all to believe. even he still has work to do, but i don't know how to explain that either. and then he has to go and be so sweet about wanting me to play. my goddamn heart hurts now.

this had better not be another intervention

i thought i was gonna get smol but after 6 months I don't really feel much weaker. i guess my job is enough to maintain my strength at what it is I'm honestly torn on what i actually want. being smol would be affirming but being strong is so useful and i feel a lot safer knowing i look like i can put up a fight

seriously, this is one of the biggest things keeping me from opening up to new people. i feel like most people expect me to justify and apologize for every struggle i face and i shouldn't have to. I'm so tired of doing that

thanks. i think

my thoughts exactly, this a serious red flag, it is not healthy to dictate who one's partners can and can't be friends with. edit: repeating that probably isn't helpful at this point. so the best i can do is internet hugs *hugs* sorry this is happening. such bullshit

I'm still not entirely sure how to feel like a person in the first place, personally

ok i know a lot of people think Miguel O'hara is hot but like Hobie Brown is by far the coolest and hottest Spiderman. i just don't have any attraction to Miguel, honestly feel like he's kinda boring.

there was a haunted house, again, and a secret ancient thing under it? and i had to unlock something from an underground vaul of some kind. there was a bad guy of sone kind but i remember nothing. at some point i had powers. there was a city at one part, too. and a weird stadium thing. i can't put any of it together in a coherent way, unfortunately. and thanks to someone on Instagram using this song it was stuck in my head as i woke up:

watching this Snapcube stream where they're playing baldurs gate 3, and it kinda makes me sad they communicate and work together, one player isn't always running ahead and going through content without the other, and when mistakes are made one doesn't sound all frustrated and judgy. they aren't even dying to encounters we died to because they stop to discuss things. feels like shit. why do i have to defend and justify every single thing i don't magical fucking know or intuit. somehow he expects me to be on top of everything all the time but i have a fucking executive dysfunction disorder. but the people on stream aren't even as good as i was and they're having more fun and better results. idk i wish he'd stop asking me to play games with him if he wants someone who is good enough. i have to give more than i have just to get through work and everything else and I'm barely getting by. my life is a mess and he wants me to give energy and effort to a GAME in way that makes the game no longer fun. i hate this. stop asking me to play things.

if you're gonna leave your office door open, close the programs that have porn displayed on them, just an idea especially if it's right next to my room and I'm going to be looking directly at your computer any time i open my door edit: lmao they turned the monitors off before i came back from the kitchen. now i can pretend i never saw it

i can't blame you for that, if i had read it elsewhere without this thread for context I'd be like "what's dney?"

big same, today has been such a lazy day

we will exist as long as humans are assigning genders, at the very least

i think one of the things i least expected from hrt was colors getting more vivid. like, the sky has more colors, sunlight is more gold and magical looking than it was, green in trees pops in a way i haven't seen since i was a kid, even on rainy days, and everything just kinda seems a little bit more beautiful. i don't know if that's just because I'm happier now or if what people say is true and estrogen actually helped me see colors better, but it's pretty fucking cool

oh lol, i think you might be right

really depends on the drugs, but, me

happy birthday Kitty Katana! she's so cute!

blame Odin. it's his weekday isn't it?