Lynnrael

usually, if someone has a disability you don't, it's a good idea not to offer advice. the fact is, if you don't have those experiences and don't understand the actual obstacles someone faces, you don't have any of the necessary info required for offering good, actionable advice. I can't speak for everyone who has a disability or even everyone with ADHD (it's a spectrum, everyone of us experiences it differently) but when I'm complaining about how difficult it is to live with ADHD, I'm not asking for advice, because very very few people are qualified to give it. I'm asking for support. that's it. you don't need to help, you don't need to fix, you aren't qualified to do either. that's ok, no one asked you to be. just a little understanding would be cool. that's all i need. but the whole world thinks they have advice that is relevant to ADHD and it's fucking exhausting. this is why i have a reactive tendency to start immediately rationalizing a way to explain what I experience any time i recognize it as a part of my ADHD, because people always want to offer advice that essentially minimizes everything and then get mad when you reject useless advice. i want them to fucking stop. but acknowledging the struggles i have as legitimate things to struggle with means accepting that ways they view people are wrong. struggling with these things is almost always seen as a moral failing. I'm lazy, careless, stupid, and selfish for having these struggles. it's so much easier to say i just need to try harder, because actually recognizing the inherent ableism in judging everyone who fails to measure up to their standards means recognizing the flaws in their beliefs, and they're all too weak to actually wrestle with that.

yes, I care deeply about fighting against all forms of oppression so I'm at odds with most people on a lot of issues. fighting ableism is where i see this is disregarded a lot and having my own learning disability, in addition to being autistic and having chronic pain, ableism is probably the issue that has affected me the most in my life. i mean, i could die in a violent hate crime for being trans, but being trans isn't what nearly killed me in the past. it was being incompatible with society, not knowing why, and being bullied for not measuring up to functionally standards I'm just not equipped to meet, especially by family. learning not to hold myself to those standards was vital in learning to be happy, but my family still has shitty, ableist people i have to deal with. one in particular is wondering why she doesn't ever hear from me and I'm not sure how to approach the situation when i next see her in person. i don't know if i can play nice, especially if she asks directly why i don't talk to her. i don't want to explain how she hurt me because she won't care and isn't strong enough to take responsibility for her the harm her behaviors cause. i do think i can hurt her feelings, and she deserves it, but i don't think that really makes anything better and will just hurt others too.. sigh

i still have no hips and probably won't really get them ever. not if I keep being shaped like my mom

that soreness is fun but also painful. i bumped my boob into something at work today and it hurt so bad but also reminded me that I'm growing boobs and was weirdly affirming

https://spotify.link/yZ0KZeITUCb i am absolutely loving all the new ska I've found lately. this album is great, and feels like a perfect mix of ska and punk

finger tips? fingers don't have money of their own i don't see how they could tip

well shit, I'm somewhere between light and moderate but that seems like more than i actually drink considering I can go months without drinking or even caring to get drunk luckily this isn't about weed use though

kinda silly but i followed eichlers on Instagram and he sent me a personalized voice message to thank me using my name and it was extremely affirming and cool so now I'm a fangirl for life eichlers is a ska/hyperpop musician, his music is great and I was a fan based on that alone. love this new era for ska in general, both the elements that show up in hyperpop (like stupid horse by 100 gecs) and the stuff that is entirely separate from hyperpop (JER/Skatune Network) are really promising.

i regret that i have to choose between a laugh response and a thanks response to this

came out to my dad and grandma today, so, yeah, lot of emotions right now. everyone was accepting. my grandma is the coolest grandma ever, and was just so perfectly cool about it. it's not the first time someone's come out, her son, my uncle, is gay, so i knew i could trust her. i knew my dad would be cool too but i also knew it would be more of a shock for him and it was. he was very supportive but also i think he's also dealing with a LOT of emotions right now and i kinda feel guilty a little for feeling so relieved and good about things when i know he's probably feeling a whole lot of complicated shit. but, i know his feelings are his responsibility, and I'll have to trust him to deal with that. damn it's crazy how a day can go from unremarkable to significant based on a single decision.

watching Ghost in the shell: arise, and so far it's pretty cool. what has been striking me though is remembering watching GITS on adult swim back when I was a teen. i remember thinking that if i was going to get a whole new body I'd definitely want to look like the major. i was like "well I've already been a guy and assuming this tech was real and i could have any body i wanted and still be strong, why not?" and somehow i didn't realize i was trans for like another ten years.