Real_AirCooledGirl

Can't blame a girl for trying. I love to cook, so that's one thing I can bring to the table. This afternoon, I told my gender therapist about this. I told them (they're nonbinary, hence the they/them pronouns) about how I've had a crush on my HRT doctor for over two months now and can't get her out of my head. The day I brought that batch of halva with me, though, I didn't mention to her about how I made it myself with dark chocolate. If you want, I can DM you a photo I took of it. I also mentioned how I'm attracted to intelligent women, am looking for security and stability in my life by dating/marrying up, and the whole mommy/little girl thing (similar to the daddy/boy dynamic among some gay men). Last evening, though, after I read GunStarHero's post about this, I actually broke down and cried. Since starting HRT, crying spells have been very rare for me, surprisingly. I told my therapist this, too. And I also brought up fear of rejection as well. I was afraid of being rejected before transitioning and I still am now. I also told my therapist about how I've been considering getting myself out there and dating women as the woman I've always known myself to be but don't know where to start. They suggested I think about what I'd do with any woman I end up dating. That's quite a thing to think about considering my limited dating history. They also gathered that I prefer doing things in-person to using dating sites or apps. I always considered online dating shady because of the potential for catfishers, chasers, and murderous psychos. I told the therapist about how I once used Zoosk but nothing came of it. All the professionals I'm seeing may each have an incomplete picture of things. The more I tell them about everything, the better.

Raw meat doesn't seem safe to eat PERIOD. It's a primo breeding ground for bacteria and other pathogens! You want foodborne illnesses? That's how you get foodborne illnesses!

Does anyone else here watch his YouTube channel? I've been following him for over a year or so. Recently, he's come back to the States to do a food tour. Here's his latest video if anyone's interested.

I bet you'd eat raw chicken, too, if someone served it to you. If so, enjoy your salmonella.

Enjoy your E. coli.

You mean raw meat? Hell no! Meat is best cooked! Why would anyone want to eat raw meat such as steak tartare? WHY? COOK YOUR DAMN MEAT!

I guess you saw the pic I took of my 1-year tranniversary dinner, huh? Those veggies weren't burnt. They're BLACKENED--Cajun-style. And I don't know how my doctor likes her steaks but I know I like mine well-done. Fuck the food police; I eat what I like! If it's mooin', I ain't chewin'! I did bring some chocolate halva with me once. Offered her some; she turned it down. That's fine, more for me. So you know, I made the halva myself and used dark chocolate. Gained a taste for it after I received a Universal Yums box. Every month, they send you a box of snacks from a different country. That month's box had Turkish snacks in it and halva was one of them. I liked it so much that I bought tahini and dark chocolate to make my own halva.

How the hell did I ruin any of the food? No, I pan-fried everything, including the steak.

How am I blurring the line between idealism and possessiveness? Nothing I've posted indicates being possessive.

Targ meat from Star Trek.

I wouldn't say "never" to that. Microsoft owns both Bethesda and Obsidian now.

Are you asking me if I want to be your board-wife?

The comparison I made was the best thing I could think of. Alternatively, you could think of going from the prior girls I dated to my hormone doc as going from driving a Ford to driving a Maybach. It's hard to go back. I've only used one dating site, Zoosk, and even then it was 1) back in my boymode years, 2) a long time ago (late 2000s), and 3) a lot of the women on there didn't seem like my type. There's at least a couple LGBTQ+ spots near me. I might try my luck there at the very least. But I think at least part of me will still have the hots for my doc, damn it. Don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been. Even if, for argument's sake, something did happen between her and I, I'd imagine we'd keep it a secret. If anyone got wind of us, we could always tell people we're married. If pressed for details, we'd just say we tied the knot at the courthouse; we'd have the excuse of a pandemic to explain not having a proper ceremony with our families and friends in attendance. And we could say we kept our own names intact so it's one less thing to update. Maybe I'm a little girl looking for a mommy. Maybe I want security and stability in my life, entry into a world I'm not part of but in which I belong. I never quite got that with other girls. Maybe I'm turned on by the thrill of breaking a taboo. But when you're a year into HRT, haven't actively looked for a partner in forever, and fall for someone, you can't help but think they could potentially be The One, regardless of how well you know them. And I have limited experience with the ladies, partly due to Asperger's syndrome (I didn't want anyone finding out for the longest time) and partly out of dysphoria (I always felt like playing the boyfriend role was forced when I knew I should be the girlfriend to another girl). The fact that my family always bantered and badgered me over why I didn't see anybody (especially coming from my great-grandmother, from 10th grade until the day she died) hasn't helped. Even they expected me to be a groom when I should be a bride, and I've never been married. There may be plenty of fish out there, but there's only one of her.

Not that well, to be honest. You and others make good arguments, I'll admit. But part of me wants to pursue something. I'm 35 and haven't dated anybody since long before I started transitioning. And now that I'm a year into living my truth, I'm thinking of getting myself back out there. And how would I go from someone like my hormone doctor to some other woman? That's potentially like going from a 5-star restaurant to McDonald's or Burger King. And I'm sure you and I both know how hard dating can be for a trans lesbian like me.

Did some more flirting with my eyes a couple weeks ago. Once again, we were stuck wearing COVID masks. Had to renew my estradiol script through my insurance because they only do it for a year per round of refills. Now, I play the waiting game. Meanwhile, I see the good doc in January and she wants me to do a full panel of blood work. She'll probably miss me as much as I will between now and then. While I can see where the ethics nuts are coming from, how am I supposed to go from her to anyone else? It'd feel like going from a 5-star restaurant to, say, McDonald's. Jesus H. Christ, I've got it bad. I like this woman so much it hurts.