Skiles

Keep an eye out for Midnight's new hit single "Corn Ho" on iTunes and Spotify.

In fairness, ranch on pizza is disgusting.

THERE'S A LARGE OUT-OF-FOCUS MONSTER ROAMING THE COUNTRYSIDE

Yeah, she's pretty cool, I guess.

No way. I only bathe one pupper these days. Unless I'm getting paid.

Oh yeah. Same thing, right?

I thought that was that one movie where Shaquille O'Neal is a genie or whatever.

She hasn't had one in nearly a month, and the smelly ol' bitch has got BO something fierce. I buried my face in her fur earlier, and immediately pulled back because she smelled terrible. It isn't super noticeable just walking around, but right up close? Yeesh. So she's getting a bath later, whether she wants it or not.

"This isn't even my final form!" the swollen man shouted, as he was placed into a nearby ambulance.

Honestly, if I had to pick a way to go, I think death by confection might be the best option. Sure, I can't breathe, but if the last thing I taste as I drift into the great unknown is banana nut bread, I consider it an overall positive.

The last several times my sister has brought over dessert for "all of us," it's been something with walnuts or almonds in it. Any kind of nut besides peanut (which isn't a nut) will literally kill me, therefore I cannot indulge in the delicious confections that she bestows us. And every time, she's been like, "Sorry, next time I'll make sure it's something you can eat." But does that happen? No. With each subsequent delivery, it's banana nut bread, or almond cookies, or pecan pie, or God damn fruit pizza with inexplicably HAS NUTS ON IT. So we're beefin' right now. It's like Jay-Z and Nas over here. I'm gonna write a diss track about it. Suge Knight is gonna have one of us gunned down in the streets of L.A. It's gonna be wild.

I vaguely remember a time when the History Channel was semi-reputable. Now I just watch documentaries, and try to weed out the ones that are known to be biased. Which is pretty much all of them. So I just watch whatever.

Is it bad that I didn't know for a long time that you had to keep getting vaccinated for shit as an adult? When I almost cut off my finger, they were like, "Is your tetanus vaccine up to date?" And I legit was like, "Well, I got it as a kid, so I think so." And the doctor looked at me askance. ASKANCE!

Roasting passers-by on the street is the purest form of crowd work. Way to put in that work, my dude.

I'M A REALLY NICE GUY AND SOMEDAY SHE'LL REALIZE SHE SHOULD HAVE CHOSE ME

Fuck Bill Watterson, man. Calvin and Hobbes was an integral part of my childhood. I had all the books. I loved it. I still love it. I always will love it. And there will never be a proper Calvin and Hobbes movie, because Bill Watterson is a fucking hippie and refuses to allow anyone to profit on his creation, INCLUDING himself. So as long as he's alive, there will never be a movie. Therefore, ergo, as long as he's alive, he can go fuck himself.

No, you're right. Mexicans got the hookup. I remember going to my best friend's house one year (this was back in high school, I guess), and his dad had the good shit. The big shit, the loud shit. Shit that did shit I haven't seen before or since. I was like, "Hey, where'd you get these?" And his dad was like, "Don't worry about it." And I was like, "Damn, okay. Keep your secrets, you sketchy Mexican, you."

I have my escape strategy. I'll be outta this fucking place before you know it.

Of me staring angrily into the camera while I take a shit?

That's the draw for me. I want it to stay as close to the original material as possible, because it's one of the best movies ever made. If they had decided to get really stupid and silly with it, I'd be pissed.

Yeah. Right in the middle of the second act.

That is literally the worst joke I've ever seen in my life. 10/10

Sorry to hear it. At least she's got the left one. And maybe her lack of depth perception will lead to some humorous prat falls. When Muppy started going blind, sometimes he would just stand there, facing the wall. It was like Blair Witch Project, but cute. So even though it was a sad thing, we found humor in it to cope. Maybe that will work for you, I dunno. ❤️

I must say, I am a little bit stoked for the new Lion King movie. The original is my favorite movie of all-time, ya know. Although Pumbaa looks like garbage in the advertisements. 😒