Skiles

I like to imagine her name was Spot.

Oh yeah, when I say "distant," I mean it more in the sense of "not close." I have an aunt I'm incredibly close with, and one I've never met. The former I would consider close family, the latter a distant relative.

Yeah, maybe if it's a distant-ass relative I don't even know very well, I would be fine with it. But not close family.

Generally I go with "babe" in casual conversation. During sex, I might say the person's name. Which is why I can't do it. I don't want to accidentally moan my sister's name. I would hate that.

I don't think I could do it. Someone I work with is dating a guy with the same name as her brother, and I just find the idea very odd.

What if we didn't play that Mariah Carey Christmas song this year?

I mean I guess you never know. Me, I would've just made it the regular way and told them to bring their own. No need to potentially ruin a crucial Thanksgiving dish to appease one person, y'know? But hey, maybe it'll be great. Unless someone is allergic to almonds. They're gonna have a bad time.

Further proof that vegans are not to be trusted.

I'm proud of all the trash-tier food I consume. But right now the one I eat the most, and is probably doing the most damage, is gas station cheeseburgers. I eat them like five times a week. It's disgusting and I love it.

Psh. Whatever. This is quality comedy right here, my dude.

My gramma texted me when my cousin got into a car accident. All it said was "Cousin got in car accident ! Very bad ! CALL ME PLS " I called her, turns out she got some cuts and bruises, but was otherwise totally fine. And I was like, "Cool thanks Gramma, just spent the last five minutes thinking my cousin was dead. Preesh."

Haha, amirite, fellas? Ladies, take a break. Fellas, you know what I'm talkin' about. Ah yes, it is me, the world's most relatable comedian.

God dammit, I was watching a thing. Now I have to go listen to Michael Bolton.

Is this the moment where we find out you were the subject of an episode of Hoarders?

Honestly I don't think I would ever feel quite at home unless I had bars on the windows, and/or gang tags on nearby properties. It's all I've ever known as an adult. I lead a much rougher life than I should or need to, is what I'm saying.

Alright, Mr. Fancy Pants. Captain "I live in places that care about who lives there" over here.

And I'm not a rapper. So that makes two of us who are not things.

I dunno, man. That sounds like zombies, and I'm not trying to bone down with no zombies.

Don't you dare tell me what I know. I don't know shit, yo.

From everything I've heard, you do not wanna piss off people from Tonga or American Samoa. Those folks are tough as nails. Maybe it's a learned bias from being a wrestling fan, I dunno.

I got one free when I was recently inpatient at the hospital. I didn't feel a thing and it didn't hurt afterwards. That nurse was a fucking wizard. Did you get the person administering the shot to kiss your boo-boo all better? Or were you left to suffer through the pain with no boo-boo kisses?

You gotta talk it up. In customer service, we call it "upselling."

I can give good sex to you, cuz I'm really good at sex.

I've never checked my credit score and I never will because it's stupid and made up. I don't even know what it's for. Buying a house, maybe? I dunno. I'm not gonna do that shit.

I had an odd friendship where me and the other person would fuck sometimes. We never argued about Star Trek tho.