molarbear

I dunno I don't bother to answer my phone if I don't recognize the number

I just pet the dog and zoned out. I think that's how I survived it

I got invited to my friend's wife's one because she says I'm one of her best friends I felt like a stranger in a strange land

I seriously miss this show

Due to my bachelor lifestyle and diet which consists mainly of turkey sandwiches I have to monitor myself somewhat TL:DR went to Dr because I didn't make boom boom for 3 days, Doctor said "Eat a fucking salad you moron" in a very polite way

Meh I generally don't fuck with them but there was a cute girl in college that was all excited to try one. The little reading thing moved a just ever so slightly and she ran out the door screaming. I never heard from her again and it was her Ouija board. When I told my Dad about it it lead to an even funnier story he had about taking a girl on a date to see "The Exorcist" and the girl did the same thing.

take notes of what "over the hill" is so I can practice for it in 8 years

I'm guessing this is like one of those situations where someone says "Maybe" when they actually mean "No"

Acceptable

If the Apocalypse happens can I be one of the 4 horsemen?

More important question Does he fist bump or hand shake? I know handshakes are more formal but I really prefer people that fist bump because there are some people out there with nasty hands

Bruh The struggle is real

You just need to carry a mini air horn with you and anytime their music gets too loud just blast it a few feet from them anytime they get a call Or take the stealth route and send an anonymous email to your HR dept

You know what we need? A WALL-E sequel! I most certainly didn't get misty eyed seeing WALL-E hold a broken umbrella over EVE while it was raining

It's on the galactic level one can only get by hooking up with an Asari

I used the speakers because I could have my music as loud as I wanted it and still hear if an insert broke while it was cutting There's no better sound than hearing what sounds like someone putting 9 forks in a blender and realizing that your 16 finish is gone

Shhhhhhhh Let him enjoy this moment Never mind Pat already ruined it, carry on

*SLAPS TOP OF VEHICLE How would you like to hear about every detail of my personal life? Too late, Ho! I'm an A+ blood type but a CMV hero. What's that you may be asking yourself? I have no idea other than my blood can be donated to premature babies because it doesn't have some chain of something that's common among the serfs. I honestly feel like this joke was going to be one of those "out of nowhere" ones but I got distracted while watching John Oliver's "Last Week Tonight" and all the steam was lost imma sneak outta this post now my link failed to embed itself.... this is what defeat feels like, DAMN YOU COBRA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's the last straw, I'm burning this place to the ground

Nope! Just bored and trying to make people laugh

The spider was probably just informing her that it had caught a fly in her house and would continue to stand guard 24/7 I'd still kill the fuck out that spider

because.... I was also promised nachos I've received no nachos

I betch ya it's got EVOO in it