SwimModSponges

"You better pack a lunch, buddy." I say to Pahn as I wipe the bile from my chin. "Lord knows I wish I did. Seriously though, got anything in that pouch you can spare for infections? Seriously I'm fuckin' dyin' over here mang." By this point my luck was just about up, the advancing mob closing in. "Hey, you know what? Alkin berries are great for that, and they grow plentifully here. I'ma go try and forage some, then I'll be right back to fight. Deal?" *I try to escape the fight, abandoning Neflet and Terrell (who are honestly doing pretty well without me so... it's not like I'm being a dick...) D20 roll: 16 I spot an opening in the hoard of warriors and lunge through it, rushing past the heavily armed fighters into the forest. I use my superior wilderness skills to evade them.

Those insurance commercials where Peyton Manning is lording over his miniature city. That shit is dope and I hope he legit spends his days meticulously crafting those tiny models. I want to believe that one day he had a guy from the insurance company over to talk about business stuff, then out of the blue Peyton's like- "Hey, you wanna see the coolest thing ever? Come check it out, it's in my garage." And the insurance guy sees it and is like "Wow we need to use that in our commercials." Wish I had a tiny city. Shit would be dope.

Its all good, this infection i got from rolling a 1 with thise wolves is really kicking my ass though.

I vomit on Pahn's shoes after another dizzy spell from the fever.

Looks like racism and pedophilia.

The raucous battle stopped momentarily as the warriors stopped to look up at their leader, who was offering a fresh bounty. Banarr's voice was audible, though I couldn't see the dwarf among the taller bodies of the fighters. "I mean... you've got a life debt on me Banarr..." I say. "If you want to cash that in for fiddy bucks I literally can't stop you." "What about the rest of us?" shouted one of the soldiers. "Well, Banarr's got first dibs..." I started to explain as the soldiers turned towards the dwarf. "I'm sure he'd give you a share of the gold if you helped him catch me though..." "What the fuck are you doing?" asked Pahn. "I'm outsourcing your army." I replied, loudly enough for everyone to hear. "Right now, I am Banarr's legal property. Property that you intend to purchase from Banarr. Imagine you're buying a horse-" I stopped for a second as a small flood of confusing and disturbing thoughts raced through my mind. "Imagine you're buying a mink. Gonna make a coat or something, I don't know. Here's the thing- you paid for the mink, but you didn't pay for the mink delivery service yet. You follow?" Pahn did not follow. "Listen, all I'm saying- to everyone here- is that the mink isn't yours until its in your pocket. Have you gentlemen been paid yet?" *I ask the mercenaries if they've been paid yet* D20 roll: 12 "Well no, but we've got, you know, contracts?" said one of the warriors. "You've got contracts?" I repeated back to the man. He nodded and made general noises of affirmation, as did the others in the crowd I looked at. "You got contracts." I repeated with a tone of finality. "You know what Banarr's got? Me. And after he sells me to Pahn, he's going to pay you all handsomely for bringing me to him." "What the fuck are you doing?" asked Pahn. *I try to trick the mercenaries into switching sides and kidnapping me for Banarr on the false assumption that he will then sell me to Pahn and pay them with the profits* D20 roll 11 "Dude how stupid do you think we are?" asks one of the mercenaries. "I mean... how many numbers were written on those contracts you got?" I replied. A cascade of 'Go fuck yourself's issued from the assembled mercenaries, with a handful of them becoming demoralized and leaving the battlefield.

"Heh," I said as Pahn fell to the ground, accidentally shot by one of his own archers. "There's an 'arrow to the knee' joke hidden in there I'm sure. Aaaaanyways...." I said while pulling out my branch bow, nocking an arrow, and standing above the incapacitated enemy. "Should have just smoked the PCP with me." *I ask Pahn if he's feeling lucky, punk. Do you? feel lucky?* D20 roll: 9 (If I interpret the makeshift rules correctly, this means I don't attack [failed roll, but just barely]- which means Pahn doesn't get a defense roll) "Nah, I'm just fucking with you man." I say sitting back down. Pahn glares at me from his incapacitated position. "Hey, you like warrior poetry?" I say as I dig among the scrolls in my pack. "Ah, here we are- Axe Wound." I say as I unfurl the scroll and begin to read to my captive audience. "This one is actually about 200 years old- first spoken by the great orc sage Argul of the Rock..."

I had a whole plan to go over to the university and deliver all these Orc war poems *pats backpack full of scrolls* but then a dwarven pirate showed up and I "yes, anded" it. I'm glad I did because this was fun. Let's just say I didn't drug him. Maybe we're playing checkers.

Fixed it?

Hey, are we pitching religions in here? Because I've got a fun one about time...

I could probably deal with the psychological and environmental effects of the various sources of anxieties which people perceive as ghosts long enough to poop... So long as I have a squatty potty with me.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_African-American_actors

I wouldn't say "perved," but uh... well, my RP character riding her centaur RP character was all kinds of weird. The whole way I had no idea where to put my hands, and the bumping from the road... It's an automatic reaction, you can't help these things. I already said I'm sorry.

"Welcome to the scar club, buddy!" I shout over to Pahn. *i distract Pahn from issuing orders to his forces* D20 roll: 18 Pahn looks at me with rage. "No seriously man, they're going to look really sexy when they're healed, believe me, we'll get all the chicks." Pahn abandoned the melee fighters he sent to attack the rest of the group, assuming they could take care of them on their own. Angrily he marched over to me. "Whoah there buddy, i meant no offense! You have no quarrel with me friend, remember? I'm just that smelly hippy that travels with those other folks you don't really like..." he stopped and glared at me. "Take a load off bro, they got this," i said, motioning to his warriors. "Here, if you want to hit something hit this." I take a few puffs from my traveling pipe and pass it along. After a few moments Pahn relents and takes a small puff himself, coughing. "I didn't know you liked to get wet." I say to Pahn as the strong drugs i tricked him into smoking start to make his head swirl.

"Be really cool if you did, bro." I said from Neflet's back, having accepted her offer for a ride after fainting on the road midway through the remainder of our journey. By this point my wounds had mostly healed, but a feverish head made me woozy. *I ask Pahn to forgive us all, just this once* D20 roll: 14 "I said you had to grovel first." said Pahn. "Like, for real?" I asked. The asshole nodded. "Well shit, I'm down for some groveling, wouldn't be the first time amirite? Anybody else wanna get in on this?" Nobody else did. So I hopped down off Neflet and hobbled over to him, kneeling down at his feet. "I'm really sorry dude. For real, I legitimately am sorry." "I don't even know you," said Pahn as he kicked at me head. He was clearly annoyed with me insincere apology. "Just, go sit over there." he said, pointing off at a grassy knoll on the side of the road. "Whatever you say, JFK," I replied as I hobbled over to the grassy mound. Pahn stared at me like I was the babbling idiot I was before shaking his head and returning his attention to the rest of the party. I sat down in the fading sunlight, pretty happy with myself. After all, I never promised I wouldn't jump back into the fight later. And in truth I was feeling much better. The hobbling was mostly for show. Well... in truth the hobbling was to hide the weirdest goddamn erection I ever had. I'm sorry. You can't control these things. The whole goddamn ride here was awkward as hell and I'm pretty sure I'm never going to be able to ride a horse again without some really goddamn confused feelings. Fuck, that's why I didn't want to ride her in the first place. Whatever. That's in the past. "Here and now." I pray to myself, holding my amulet of Akatosh, the mantra centering me in the present. "I walk along your path into the future." I took a deep breath, concentrating on the slight pressure of the cracked wooden bow slung across my back, grounding myself in the moment, in preparation for the moments to come. My bow was wild, shoddily made, and broken, but hey, so was I. And we are both capable. I removed another vial from my bandolier and sipped it, my woozy spell already dissipating.

"I can't ask you for any more aid than you've already provided." I say. "Besides, walking will do me good," i began to hobble forward, each step becoming steadier as i strained to keep my body in motion. "See? I actually feel better already. Most of the bleeding has stopped at least." I started the statement as a bluff to cover the emasculation brought on by my sobbing session, but in truth i did feel better. Much better, in fact. Must be the herbs. With a final long drag i finished the last of Banarr's cigar. "Right, smoke break over then. Let's hit up Govias."

Probably. You ever hear the expression "shit a brick?"

"If he's the same guy I'm thinking about, dude's the fuckin' bomb." I replied, puffing on the cigar a few times before turning to Brenarr. "Brenarr, you helped to save my life with your ingenious gunpowder gambit." I once again presented my weapon and kneeled. "A life debt. I hereby pledge my service to you in any capacity i am able until such a time as a life-for-a-life has been repaid. I swear in the name of Akatosh, Dragon God of Time."

"Govias," i say wincing in pain. "I know him too, bought several herbs from him over the past year." I stumble slightly but steady myself. "About half the herbs in this pouch are from him, actually. Hey Banarr, spare a smoke?" *i ask banarr for a cigar* D20 roll: 17 "Here, have a couple, man," said the dwarf. "You probably need them more than me right now." I take a cigar and run its length below my nose. "Thanks brah." I say as i remove a small amount of filling and replace it with some of my own. I light it, take a long drag, and exhale purposely. "My eye is gone." I say firmly. "It's the price i pay for my hubris. I still have the other one, and that's all i need." I clutch my amulet of Akatosh with my free hand. "Fate has brought me low today, so that i may learn what i need to climb tomorrow. Terrell, if you wish to visit the halfling I will follow, but i will carry my wounds as penance. Otherwise, its high time we get back to the search for the treasure we've been told of. One thing first though-" i turned to Neflet, pulled out my halberd, planted its point directly into the dirt before me, and knelt behind it. "A life debt. I hereby pledge my service to you in any capacity i am able until such a time as a life-for-a-life has been repaid. I swear in the name of Akatosh, Dragon God of Time."

My response consists of sobbing as i hold my hand over my missing eye. Neflet leans me up against the trunk of a tree, blood from a myriad of bites soaking into my armor. Still sobbing, i tear off a chunk of cloth, grab a vial from my bandolier, apply the liquid to the rag, and wrap it around the wounded side of my head. D20 roll: 13 the pain subsides slightly, and I am able to get back on my feet after a short rest, continuing to patch up my smaller wounds. My eye is gone forever and i likely have an infection. "You saved my life." I say to Neflet. "Words cannot express how much i owe you."

"God-damn." I say while watching Neflet beat the living shit out of the alpha wolf. "She's done this before, I can tell. Hey, remind me to stop annoying her," I say to Banarr. The dwarf nods silently, his astonished expression matching mine. My attention turned back to the wolves, who, without their pack leader, seemed unlikely to rally a defense. *I try to scare off the wolves* D20 roll: 1 (oh hell) "THAT'S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS HOW YOU LIKE US NOW!" I shout as I bear my teeth and charge directly into the middle of the wolves. I am immediately bitten directly in the face which leaves a large gash running from my hairline to my jaw, slicing through and destroying my non-monocled eye, leaving me permanently half-blind. I scream as I curl up into a fetal position to cover my vital organs. The brigandine and heavy cloak I wore Protected me from the worst of the bites, and my spiked pauldrons and gauntlets; gifts from the Gnur-rusk, kept them away from the back of my neck as I stayed curled in a tight little ball.