EmpressAngel

What in tarnation

Gotta be honest, I'm mostly happy to get to go to bed an hour earlier. Shenmue- Good fucking luck, Ryo. You can go ahead and drop Wong off the roof. Ryo gets clapped in 3...2...1... Well the important thing is you tried. Thanks, old man. Lan Di is really cool. Ryo/Reni s very clearly the real OTP for this show. Dang Ryo you kinda suck at fighting now. False alarm, I assume someone just unplugged the game controller for a couple minutes. Eat shit, fat dude. Last chance to bang discount Nami. Oh hey, an explanation. I forgot about the mirror. Aw hell are we gonna have to buy the DLC for the rest of the story? Nothing ever actually happened with that girl who speaks in cryptic riddles, did it? Poor Joy never got laid. Here, have this bit of trash my cat barfed up. Wait is her brother not dead? Wait is Nami's dad not dead? Bananas, yo. I hope Ren goes with him. GOAT. Oh hey, she did a thing. I don't care who has to die, you save that goat. Ohhh, so that's where the name comes from. Ryo it's been like months by this point I'm pretty sure you can take that bandaid off your face now. Does your father just live down in that mine shaft? Sorry dad, Ryo's not gonna fuck your daughter. I'll have forgotten everything about this series long before another season ever comes out. Titan- Mikasa needs a hug. Nice hat. Mikasa that is a very good question. Nice hats for everyone! SASHA! Levi looks good in a nice suit. Haa, they don't know what cars are. Okay that carrot line cracked me up. Goddamn pickpocket child. ice cream! God I love Sasha so much. That's also how I react any time I make ice cream. Levi's about to murder the molestation clown. Oh no leave the kid alone. I goddamn love Levi. CHEESE IT. Ungrateful little bastard. Oh yeah I'm sure this plan of yours is gonna go just great. Goddammit Eren. Look we all dudes we're into that we can't explain and are deeply ashamed of ourselves over. Hi there, random old guy. Hey, you've made a friend! Getting drunk as shit is really the common thread that unites all of us as humans. This speech is not gonna end well for anybody. Oh hey, an explanation for that. Fuck you, Eren. Oh right, wasn't Historia knocked up? Gee Eren it sure is weird how no decent person is on board with this plan. I hope Levi gets to kill Zeke next season. MY LEG. Your brilliant plan to help your friends got Sasha killed, you dumb basatard. Shit is well and truly going down now. Jesus christ he looks terrifying. WHELP. Ass Class- We're hijackinga rocket, kiddos. Senku approves of this message. Aww, techno boy is a good boy. I love Karma. Just casually breaking into NASA, no big deal. This is where they do the science! Well look at that, Vocaloid girl finally does something I can appreciate. That sure is a totally inconspicuous squid monster. Good luck boys you're gonna need it. Koro-sensei is the best teacher. There he go. I'm just assuming everything in this episode is factually sound. SPACE HIJACKING! Imagine being the astronauts who have to explain later that they've been held hostage by some middle school kids on the fucking space station. Ohhh a bomb, they're so scared. Aww they're good dudes. Wheeeeee! Surprise, the bomb was fake. This feels like it went too well. Vocaloid girl is evolving! The kids sure got into a lot of shenanigans while the teachers were off fucking. New plan, dope him up with that magic drug asap. That is surprisingly convenient. Lupin- Lupin why are you giving that little girl severe PTSD? You'd think at some point they'd just stop sending pops out after him. Give us the exposition dump, my good man! Caw caw motherfuckers. Fujiko/treasure is my OTP. I can't stop staring at Fujiko's tits. Called it, Watson's dead. Ohh, she's Watson's kid. Gee I'm sure that completely dark room with no lights isn't ominous at all. Get that woman her treasure immediately, goddammit. Hey there, Sherlock. Wow what a fucking nerd. Yeah yeah we get it, Sherlock is a perfect counter to the entire group and they can't beat him on their own. TITS. Damn he even seduced Fujiko that's impressive. Dude he's just trying to take care of his dead boyfriend's kid. Oh hey pops. Oh bye pops. Lily's having a rough time. I like that Lupin's friend from the other series has just become a recurring part of the franchise. One Piece- I am old and tired and my brain is scrambled eggs. I love Uncle Fish and humans are the worst.

I'm guessing contract disputes plus budget constraints are really biting us in the ass. The Funi/CR merger's been handled pretty poorly in other aspects, so it really wouldn't surprise me if getting new content from them is less about bad blood or money issues and more about Sony's goons just simply not having whatever necessary legal details fully ironed out to give Toonami broadcast rights for new shows yet. Meanwhile I'd be shocked if they weren't trying to save every penny they possibly could for Bleach, because there's no way that's not gonna come with a huge price tag. Although with Netflix's current issues, they might actually have a better shot of picking that up.

Count your blessings, those crossovers were fucking awful. Shenmue- Last time, the boys fucked up. Discount Nami's accepted that she's never getting any dick. Don't provoke the fat guy he's gonna catch up to you eventually. Hey maybe stop idling on the street and drive your bike away from the guy who wants to kill you. Is this Chainsaw Man? Oh, I guess she's somebody important's kid then. It's fine we can always rescue her with another forklift. What the hell is that guy wearing. Now the kid gets his own sidequest. Meanwhile, rats. Y'all gonna explain what this dude's deal is or nah? Sidequests paying off! Okay then we're just never gonna explain this guy's outfit. Ha, bike guy. Dudes you should probably just grab her and cheese it. Floor it, grandpa! Oh no, he's too fat to brute force you way past. I'm kinda rooting for Chainsaw Twink here. Big deal like this is the first time he's been put into handcuffs by a shirtless muscle dude. He's having a bad day. Oh hey Lan Di. Titan- Well folks this plan has gone right to shit in a hurry. Oh fuuuuuuuuuuck. Whelp the entire planet's screwed. Y'all are gonna wanna put a rush job on that. At least Annie's having a good time. Whoever manages to kill this douchewad earns my eternal gratitude. That arm was just holding you back. Thanks Reiner. Falco is a good boy. Id on't know who just blew them up but thank you. Calm down Annie this is no time to lose your head. Connie's got some rage isues to work out right about now. Everybody needs a hug. Thanks, packmule. Good luck with the titan thing, kiddo. At least he gets a cool design. Bite that asshole in half, good boy! Holy shit, did something GOOD actually happen when Gabi shot someone? Remember, don't fuck with Mikasa. Somebody grab Monster Falco and run. Whelp, he's dying here. FUCK YEAH BALD SEITZ. God speed, old dudes. This could be going better. Mikasa honey Eren sucks, date literally anyone else on the ship. Ass Class- Previously, holy shit Nagisa. You should probably just shoot him. Karma's so cool. I'm surprised he realized Nagisa's a boy. In case you forgot Karma's kinda ducktits bonkers. Have fun beating the piss out of each other, kiddos. I love this squid. I think ya got him, dude. SURPRISE BITCH. Weaponized hug, go! Nagisa sweetie you can let go now. True friendship is not stabbing them in their weak spot. Okay so how do we save him now? I don't think it'll be that easy, folks. Vocaloid girl might be the only kid in this class I dislike. The space station, saving squid monsters AND avoiding being turned to stone for thousands of years. Ignore what we're about to say we're just gonna talk about some illegal shit. We're going into spaaaaace. Lupin- I'm sure this random guy with his secret cane isn't about to kick off a plot. This isn't even the first anime Sherlock Holmes I've watched this year. Oh hey he's acceptably attractive I can work with this. Oh hey is that Lupin's friend from the other series? SURPRISE LUPIN. Well hey now you got a free convertible. He did save your life you kinda owe him one. Oh my god please tell me this adorable schoolgirl is our Watson. I'm here for this modern renaissance of hot young Mrs. Hudsons. Hiiiiiiiiiiii Fujiko. God I'm gay. Oh that seems ominous. Well this could have gone better. Hi pops! Okay then so Watson's dead. Fuji honey escape first exposition later. That's definitely not a fake letter just to get you out of the action. He's running because you're chasing him. I love this little girl. She's like ten just buy her a Nintendo. And then shit exploded, again. Uh hey Lupin what the fuck. What is this ED. One Piece- Oh that title sounds ominous. Awwww she's so cute. Fuck you, Arlong. Arlong, still the fucking worst. I love you Uncle Fish. Congratulations you now have several dozen fish uncles. Awwww they're holding hands. I love this child so much. Can somebody beat the shit out of Arlong already. Aww she got to go home finally. OH FUUUUUCK. What is this dude's hair. You're fish you don't need a ship. Remember, fuck the government. Tiger. He's right, humans are the fucking worst. Somebody hug Tiger. I wonder whatever happened to Koala. Fuck you, Arlong. Kizaru, still high as fuck. Jimbe's a good dude. Aww look at lil' giant Shirahoshi. I have the exact same reaction whenever I'm walking into a grocerys tore and there's someone shilling for a petition. Humans are the fucking worst! Sorry kids Mommy needs to go get drunk in the bathtub. Okay I was joking about the drunk thing but apparently not. Drunk queen makes a good point and way more sense than I make when I'm hammered. Jimbe don't fuck around. Oh hell no Hordy you get the hell out of here. Beat his ass, Uncle Fish. You should have killed him. How does Aladdin move on land?

This show deserves an award. Shenmue- Beat his ass! Meanwhile, Ryo's dead. Hey sometimes revenge is the right path you don't know everything, lady. FIGHT ME. And then she killed Ryo. That's the People's Elbow. Hi, discount Nami. We gotta go rrescue that old guy. She's helped you enough now you gotta bang her. My dumb ass would ahve immediately tripped over the single obstacle in the dark room and cracked my skull open. I have lost track of how many sidequests we've had a long time ago. Discount Nami is tired of not getting laid. I miss the girl who slapped people. This weird guy's also trying to get Ryo to fuck him. I'm sure Lan Di isn't going to show up and murder the shit outta this fat guy. Oh, discount Nami's got a tragic backstory. Yes, this is totallly a conversation that you shady bastards should be having in public. Ren coming out of nowhere and suckerpunching that guy in the gut made me laugh. Sorry boys this was all a trap. Titan- If hange dies I'm flipping a table. Use Yelena as a meatshield and just barge in. No, kill the shit outta them. Connie sweetie those aren't your friends they're trying to kill the entire planet. God I love Hange. Please kill her already. Gabi I swear to god if you ruin this again I'm beating you with a chair. Man, this guy experienced some real positive character growth in about ten minutes. Fuuuuuuuuuck yooooooooou. I really hope this guy is stupid as fuck. Noooo we're totally on your side. No seriously did I just completely misremember Armin becoming a titan because I don't think he's done literally anything with that since it happened. YOU ARE THE WOOOOORST. Good for you, old lady. Oh my god somebody just kill him already. You shoulda just killed them all from the start. "You said we'd eat meat together" is cracking me up. TITANS, DOUCHEBAGS. It's nice to see Annie back in action. Oh hey, is Armin finally gonna do some titan shit? Nope, not today it's all on Connie. Ass Class- No offense kids but I don't like your odds on curing him as a flock of middle schoolers. Uhh i think Karma broke. Oh shit Nagisa's got some moves. I love that squid. Okay kids new plan we're playing paintball. This is gonna hurt me. Look kids sometimes the ultimate act of love would be putting me out of my fucking misery. Honestly I still don't remember a solid 3/4 of these students. This is gonna end up with Nagisa and Karma having to face each other alone. Man some of you kids are dumb as hell. However this ends is gonna break my heart. Nagisa holy shit. Lupin- Big deal you're in jail you'll be out in three minutes, tops. Hiiiiii Fujiko. Goddammit Fujiko! Fucking drones and their weird plastic gunk. I am also old and tired of my job. Boys stop fighting you're both pretty. You okay there Jigen? Something's up here don't drink that. Hi pops! You don't hang out with Lupin for the jobs you hang out with him for the personality. God I love Fujiko. Something's up here Jigen's not right. Fujiko/money is my OTP. Alright that was a good shot that might be actual Jigen. Meat fight! God I'm gay for her. Everyone knows Lupin/Jigen is the real OTP. Everybody's drunk and fighting, just like an average family reunion. Fuji if Jigen doesn't wanna work for you I will pay you for the opportunity. Hi pops, again. Not those damn drones again. It's fine it's nothing a little explosives won't fix. Eat shit, drones. I always love the Lupin car. Joke's on you he's just gonna blow the place right the fuck up. God he's cool. New jacket, go. CUE THE SONG. One Piece- In this house we stan Fisher Tiger. I love you, Uncle Fish. SLAP. Okay how the hell did she survive having Shirahoshi? Her strongest attack is making you ashamed of yourself. Everyone loved her and then she died tragically. Lady I know you mean well but goddamn do humans suck and should be avoided at all costs. Giant baby! This is too wholesome it's gonna end badly. Again, humans are the worst. Uncle Fish needs a hug. FUCKING ARLONG AGAIN. Please beat Arlong's ass. Tiger's right, humans fucking suck. We stan a legend. Owww that looks painful. Awww, that's actually really sweet. That baby is too large. Lady I admire your optimism but you're massively underestimating how much humans suck. I'm gonna punch baby Hordy. Brilliant move there, attacking the FISH PIRATES in the open ocean. God fucking damnit Arlong. Meanwhile, Kizaru is high as balls. I would follow Tiger into hell and back. Arlong is a massive bag of dicks, we're all thinking it. I'm loving the queen hounding people like an insanely persistent Jehova's Witness. Here, have this child. This girl needs a hug. GODDAMMIT ARLONG. Oh no, the nobles broke her. Jesus christ kid. Tiger what the FUCK. I know you did it to help but holy shit my dude. Well I'm crying right now. Awwww, you got your own Fish Dad. Awwwww she gets to cry.

I still can't get over the weirdly hot CGI Jigen from the movie.

Did this woman personally shit in your cornflakes or are you just that ridiculously salty that she had the nerve to act in a show you didn't like? It was bad and it got cancelled, who even gives a fuck?

Tonight killed me. Shenmue- I keep forgetting that one girl who speaks in cryptic riddles exists. I don't trust this guy but I do respect someone who chooses to do business with their tits out. Another sidequest! Time for another mook fight. PLAYER THREE HAS ENTERED THE GAME. Well boys the important thing is you tried. Somebody's gonna have to cut their hand off. The ol' GET HELP ploy. Ryo I'm pretty sure that scrape on your face has healed by now, you can take that bandaid off. Oh yeah this fight is gonna go just great. CHEESE IT. You'll be fine he's too fat to jump. Maybe Ryo's just been gay as hell this whole time. Meanwhile, traumatic flashback for that lady. Oh hey, you found a clue on that tape. And now is it time for a sidequest to rescue that guy? False alarm, it's bird time. This guy just wants to be gay and feed birds. I think that counts as a hate crime. Well you found that guy pretty easy. That bird is about to betray you. You've been bamboozled! Yeah I'm sure that flimsy closet door is gonna hold him. It's funny to me that even having never played these games I can still recognize this entire key sequence as a game mechanic. Great job boys ya blew it. And then Ryo died. BEAT HIS ASS. Titan- His imaginary wife sure looks a whole lot like Mikasa. Jean is a good boy. Don't worry Levi'll be up and murdering titans in no time. Hange is the best. I miss Erwin. Time for a well-earned potato break. Listen here douchebag you tried to titan-genocide them first. Just let Jean beat his ass. Yeeeeah I think it's a little late to talk this all out with Eren. Girl fight! Annie sweetie your dad kinda sucks ass. Fuck yeah, stew! Sweet, free boat. Y'all can just go ahead and kill Yelena if you want. Yelena is the WORST. Imagine doing all that because you're thirsty over Zeke of all people, the sheer embarrassment would have killed me. Shut up bitch nobody cares about you. You keep Sasha's name out of your fucking mouth. Happy festivus, ya cunt. All of them need a hug. Depression Reiner, still the most attractive one in this series. Gabi still sucks but do it for Falco. Don't waste that stew! God I love Levi. Not these assholes again! Ass Class- I know he was an assassin who killed a shitton of people but he still needs a hug. Her fiance can fuck off these two are cute together. Titties. This is too wholesome it's gonna hurt me any minute now. Being on teh verge of tears over my job is just an average work day. Aw fuck here we go. Fucking lab rat. Stop him with your boobs. Oh that's just mean. YOU ASSHOLE. Oh no, I always assumed you just had a fetish for torturing people. This hurts me. This fucking dickbag killed your girlfriend. Aaaand I'm crying. Oh no her revenge thing was all a huge misunderstanding. Man his death is really gonna destroy me. Everyone needs a hug. She likes you, you little dork. Thanks, bitch sensei. Uh kiddo I don't think you're all gonna become genius scientists in the next two months. Abyss- Now for something that's gonna hurt me even worse! WAIT WHAT, NO. I got a bad feeling about this flashback. Ohhh I'm already crying. I do not trust Bondrewd. She looks like a Pokemon trainer. Oh noooo that's human Mitty. Sorry girl the cave monster says it's bedtime. These tiny lesbians are going to break my heart. I got a real bad feeling about this. Get out of here random dude, your silly ethics have no place here. I don't like where this is going. Oh fuck that science chamber can't be a good thing. OH FUUUUUUUUUUCK. Spoiler alert Bondred fucking sucks. I'd like to get off this ride now please. OHHHHHHH THIS HURTS. This is fucked up. Jesus fucking christ, show. Mitty is best girl. Do not let Nanachi cook. Well Reg the important thing is you tried. Please don't kill Mitty. At least make it quick and painless if you can. NOOO ALL THE PLUSHIES. I know I start crying a lot when I watch stuff but I'm straight up gross sobbing here. Everyone needs a hug. I knew exactly what was coming and I still wasn't prepared. Oh good Riko's awake. Everyone loves Nanachi. Reg sweetie the bunny is a lesbian. Goddammit show I just stopped crying! Please stop hurting me, show. That hot spring looks cool as shit. Nanachi playing expert wingman here. Poor Reg. And then KNIFE. Owwww that looks painful. I love my kids. I hope their friends are doing okay. Hi Ozen! Good fucking luck kids you're gonna need it. Well that was an emotional marathon. FUCK this guy. One Piece- I don't have the mental strength to watch anything else for the night.

FELLAS I GOTTA SAY THIS IS SOME OF THE MOST FUCKED UP SHIT

Twice is best boy and these people don't deserve him.

Why is this titled like some clickbait horseshit CBR article?

Attack on Titan: Final Season: For Real This Time: Electric Boogaloo

Shemue- So how long has he been on this quest in-universe? Sidequest to translate this random symbol. Granny's got your back here. Man I hope my obscure cup placement message gets picked up. FIGHT-well that was quick. At least they bandaged him up after they beat the shit out of him. You have not unlocked this backstory yet. She's telling you to take your shirt off. Hey look, you made a friend. Your new friend is Sweeney Todd. Ryo you're gonna accidentally call somebody's mom a whore with those cups and get your ass shot. Oh hey, you made another friend. Aw crap we activated a fight scene. Sorry dude somebody killed your boys. Thanks, random shadow figure. Hey there, you know where I could find some sailors? PIPE, AGAIN. i'm gonna laugh so fucking hard he if gets nailed with the pipe a third time. You need nerves of steel, like the pipe that's given you two concussions this week. I don't trust this guy. Goddammit Ryo. And then they both died. Seriously, don't trust that guy. Meanwhile, this lady's still kind of a bitch. Thanks for nothing, lady. Titan- God I love Hange. Local man too angry to die. Hange needs a hug. Levi needs a hug. I just want to watch Levi finally get to murder Zeke. This is a real rough night for everybody. Falco is a good boy. Aw hell he's figuring things out. Oh my god that is the worst excuse. Oh good, I was wondering if everybody just forgot Armin was a titan too. Meanwhile, lesbians. Sorry Mikasa your girlfriend is dying. Bitch gimmie my scarf. Stone fucking cold. Fuuuuuuck yoooooooou. Oh yeah I'm sure Jean's really changed sides. Time to murder some pie. Oh hi Annie. Oh no Annie dumped her girlfriend. Oh yeah this is gonna go just great for you, ya douchebag. This guy's a good dude. PACKMULE! Ahahahaha you fucking tool. Y'all could have just left Yelena there. Good news Reiner it's time for a suicide mission. Ass Class- Y'know I've literally never once questioned why there was an omnipotent squid monster here and why he decided to go into teaching. You could just try shooting her. Oh that sounds like it's gonna hurt. Quick, tell her she's got no tits, she'll attack you instead. Oh shit get it boy. Congratulations you won a girlfriend. Please don't kill my squid. YOU SON OF A BITCH. I got a bad feeling about this. Wait what? I don't think I'm prepared for this. Well this is depressing as hell. Oh no he was pretty. Spoiler alert things are not going to go well for her. Magic science, got it. Oh that sounds bad. Talk shit get hit. Awww he likes her. Fucking Dandy Reaper. Ohhh you douchebag you set her up. You okay there buddy? Well this hurt me. Abyss- Oh no not Precious Moments Boy. Okay so something in that orphanage is definitely killing those kids. Mitty no don't eat her! Oh sweet, she makes antidotes. Be nice she worked hard on that stew. Oh we've gotta wake Riko up so she can cook. Oh hey, it's a magic blanket. So try and avoid the magic blanket, got it. That sounds horrifying. Uh hey Riko you okay in there? Cool, she's got walkie talkies. Today's your lucky day, random whistle guy. Just follow the bunny's instructions. Now shoot the fuck out of that thing. That old man is shitting his pants right now. Good job kiddo I'm proud of you. WAIT WHAT NANACHI NO. Oh look, I'm already crying. One Piece- Hordy fucking sucks. Decken fucking sucks. Luffy you're just making this worse for yourself. And then Sanji died. Hachi is a good boy. Oh yeah this is gonna go great for y'all. NOT THIS CREEP AGAIN. I would 100% choose death without a second thought. Oh my god she's so precious. Fuck off, citizens! THANK YOU. I love Chopper and Sanji together here. Get back in the shark. Son of a bitch he's still going at it. Oh hey that guy. BEAT HIS ASS, ZORO. He's on drugs. You kinda suck, Neptune. God I love Brook. Quick Usopp your'e gonna have to give Zoro mouth to mouth. Don't fuck with Zoro. Remember kids, don't do drugs. I'm slightly surprised that Zoro managed to swim in the right direction. Whelp there goes the bubble stick. And then he died. I goddamn love that whale. Meanwhile Zoro's slowly drowning. Fucking Brook. Meanwhile, more shenanigans. Oh hey Franky. Uncle fish! If I had a nickel every time this show reuses that scene of Ace getting fisted through the chest, I'd have enough money to afford the theraphy I clearly need. Oh good Sanji's less obnoxious. Close enough. Well that's depressing. Hey by the way there's an evil fish mutiny going on. Oh no you just activated Nami's PTSD again.

Shenmue- Have fun doing the housework, Ryo. It's definitely gonna rain and ruin those books. Just do the chores, chore do-er! And then he obliterated some old lady. That's a box full of drugs isn't it. Or tea, that's fine too I guess. Sweet, free tea. Discount Nami is my favorite. Just beat that kid's ass already. Don't worry Ryo's too oblivious to notice anyone's thirst. Every single woman in this town is a thirsty karate master. THAT'S MY PURSE, I DON'T KNOW YOU. Kick my ass next please. Is it time for a tragic backstory? Aw hell what now. Gentrification is the real villain of Shenmue. Goddammit Ryo you forgot the books! Girl he forgot to do your stupid books one time, get over it. Well mostly he was doing it just to get daddy's love. Let granny beat their heads in. Please tell me grandma's in his harem now. Granny being the kung fu master is less than surprising. Oh good this girl is less of a bitch now. You found a clue! Titan- This could be going better. I have no memory of these people at all. Oh hey Annie. This is someone's fetish. You feel lucky, punk? Having to hear this girl complain and nothing else for years straight sounds like fucking torture. These two are lesbians. Man her life sucked. Her dad is awful. Shippin' it. Annie needs a hug. Meanwhile, everything sucks for everyone. Honestly maybe y'all should just let the others die. God I'd listen to Seitz read a phone book. Also meanwhile, have some more depression from Armin and Mikasa. Connie's also gonna need a hug. You're gonna have to kill Eren, kids. I miss Erwin. Never forget, this is all Gabi's fault. Floch is the WORST. I will eat my shoes if Levi and Hange are actually dead. Connie no! Falco doesn't deserve this. Hange! LEVI. Ass Class- I love these kids. It's gonna destroy me when they eventually find a way to kill that squid. Sweet he found the porn stash. Try the pudding thing again, he'll never expect it. Uhhh what the FUCK is that. Well this came totally out of left field. What? Am I supposed to know who that is? Well this is awkward. Out of everything in this show, this is the hardest thing to believe. Wait how old is she supposed to be? I forgot that Koro's actually done some fucked up shit back in the day. Oh that sounds horrifying. Okay I appreciate her breaking that douchebag's desk. Nagisa is a good boy. You can go ahead and beat this guy's ass. "The dangers of untamed tentacles" 100% sounds like a hentai title. Oh this backstory's gonna fuck me up. At least she's having a good time. Sorry kids I don't think your heartfelt talk is gonna work on her. This could be going better. Aw hell she broke. Abyss- I've only known Nanachi for two minutes but I'd die for her. Uhhh y'all Riko's really not looking so good here. So is there a way to fix her because between the arm and the curse I'm not thrilled with her odds her. Right up the butt. Owwwww. It may come as a shock that neither of this children is a medical professional. I love my kids. Uh what was that. What the FUCK is that. Well this is some fucked up shit. Why am I already crying? Fetch quest time, Reg. Ohhh I don't like this guy. Keep an eye out for Ryo on his own sidequest. Reg is such a good boy. Shroombear nooo! And then naked time. I hope they don't have to kill that bear. False alarm this is good. I love this bunny. She's right, dinner is the most important part. Hands off the bunny, kiddo. Oh hey, the pickaxe is here. This is a weird place. Whelp, Reg's hallucinating. Uhhh whatcha up to, Mitty? One Piece- You're a fucking creep, dude. Oh hey, Robin. Good luck guards you're about to get your bones snapped in half. God I love Robin. Zoro's having a great day. I love that goddamn giant shark. Nami and Usoopp are suffering. You're just talking nonsense now, Neptune. Shit, we forgot about the switch! Oh thank god, Sunny's alright. Tom's brother looks nothing like him. Fish genetics are weird. RACISM IS BAD, GUYS. Uncle fish! Man it sure is lucky that Luffy kidnapped the princess. Zoro's not drunk enough for this. Vander Deken fills me with a sense of visceral disgust. Goddammit Luffy. That poor shark needs a vacation. Nami's cool with getting all your money. Aw hell you triggered Nami's PTSD. Remember, all rich people are murderers. Arlong, doing exactly one decent thing in his life. God I love Brook so much. And then they all drowned. Neptune may be dumb as rocks but he's a good dude. Zoro's hot and I like watching him fight. Where's Nami? Usopp with the assist. Brook's dying. Zoro you can't use your swords as good under water. Robin and Franky, still married. Meanwhile, Choopper's doctoring. Goddammit Sanji. Oh my god don't show Sanji that princess. Oh no she's gonna pop out of the shark and they're all gonna misunderstand. Goddammit Megalo! Whelp, Sanji's dead.

I knew what was coming and I still wasn't ready. Shenmue- Every year the "i can't fight a girl!" issue gets more tired and annoying. Sounds like it's time for some SIDEQUESTS, bitches! Hey again, discount Nami. Sometimes you just gotta wake up and start drinking. Congratulations you're a sideshow attraction now. It's either the weird rock smashing thing or whoring yourself out. If the guys won't hit on sure I'm sure willing to pick up the slack. Oh look, a gang of random thugs to get beat up. Never fight a man who wakes up day drinking he's already got nothing to lose. Oh don't worry she'll do your room alright. Punch those rare books in half, Ryo. "Earn rent money" sidequest activated. I like that they just threw Nami's voice at discount Nami here. RYO SHE'S TRYING TO NAIL YOU. Sure, now's a good time for a serious talk. Siiiiiiiiiiiiidequest. Goddammit Ryo you oblivious son of a bitch. Titan- Previously, Eren activated the apocalypse. Oh hey is that Annie's dad? Reminder that this is all Gabi's fault. The fuck you mean what's wrong, there's a gaping hole in his side. It's not my fault if Reiner dies he's been wanting this the whole season. Falco deserves better. Eren did save everyone's balls but he's out of line with the genocide thing. Oh right, Connie's mom got titan'd way back years ago. Shut up Armin let him save his mommy. Gee thanks Eren this is just great. If Sasha's sister gets eaten I'm flipping a table. I never thought I'd be happy to see Gabi. Chef dude is the best. I love Sasha's parents and their hillbilly accents. Yeah yeah humans are all terrible but Gabi's still the worst here. Trainer Seitz! Eat shit, Yelena. I'm happy to see a return of the derpy running titans. Oh shit it's the old dude. Alright which of you's gonna be the one to go Old Yeller on the commander. Meanwhile, the world's still ending. THIS FUCKING GUY. I enjoy seeing this specific child suffer. Oh right, Reiner's still dying. I'm still waiting for Hange to show back up with Levi 99% dead and 1000% pissed off. Wait was that Annie? Ass Class- I love this squid so much. Eat shit, douchebag. The hell kind of flashback is this? You're wasting your time show you're not gonna get me to like him. Wow this got DARK. This backstory sure went off the rails. This asshole can still eat shit. Awww these kids. Boooo, he's not dead. I still hate him, show. Huh, he's surprisingy weak. You tried kids. And now for something completely different. I love these kids. He's a peach. Oh hey we're doing Momotaro here. Divorce papers. This is goddamn fantastic. You people just don't understand quality theater. Meanwhile, this guy is STILL a massive sack of asshole. YAY FOR UNEMPLOYMENT! Abyss- I know what's coming and I've got my Emergency Booze. The enviornments in this show are so fucking cool. At least Riko's having fun. "Bleeding out of everywhere" sounds like a real bad time I hope we don't have to deal with that. I hope those squid things are friendly. Great, we're in a hole full of mysterious unknown monsters. I hope whatever's following them isn't violent. Ohhhhhhh I don't like that. CHEESE IT! Aw fuck it's fast we're so screwed. Good luck kids I believe in you. OHHHHHHHHHHH I DON'T LIKE THAT. Oh shit fuck we're breaking out the Emergency Booze early. I'd like to get off this ride now please. Aaaand it's time for BLOOD FROM EVERYWHERE. Oh fuck oh FUCK her hand. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I DON'T LIKE THAT. I don't think you got much of a choice here, kiddo. I can't drink fast enough to handle this. Here sweetie bite down on this stick. Jesus fucking christ. Knowing this was coming didn't make it any better. And now the giant bugs are here, great. Shit please tell me she's not dead. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Raise your hand if you're already crying! BUNNY FRIEND, THANK GOD. Reg honey I don't think anything's gonna hurt her more at this point. I've only just met this little creature but I would die for her. One Piece- Talk about a fucking tone change. I like that it didn't occur to them to take that guy's swords before they put him in the dungeon. God I love Nami. Shirahoshi is so goddamn adorable. I love these idiots so much. Don't feel bad my back hurts constantly too now. This entire family is weird as hell. I want Zoro to answer my door forever. You goddamn idiots. I miss Uncle Fish. I still love those tiny mermaids. Oh hey, Sanji's still alive. Shirahoshi honey use your words. Take her to that forest right now! Hey could y'all go check on my kid? Zoro gives absolutely zero fucks and I love it. Brook no mermaids don't wear panties. GODDAMMIT BROOK. This fucking wingnut just yeeted a bunch of dudes at her. Well this banquet sure turned into a real shitshow. I love that shark. Oh hey Franky. Wow the princess is gone who could have seen that. Don't fuck with Brook. Fucking Hordy, Oh hey Hachi! Remember kids, don't do drugs. Arlong sucked. Remember kids, racism is wrong. Joke's on you douchebag, Luffy's his friend. Hachi is a good boy. Oh no Hachi! Poor Hachi. You creepy fuck you stay away from that princess. Fuck you Hordy. Goddammit Sanji. Chopper's done with his shit. Oh hey, he's a doctor! Oh good they found Hachi. This day just keeps getting weirder for everyone. Great timing on kidnapping that princess. I sense a tragic backstory ahead. Uncle fish!

Remember kids, sometimes executive meddling is a good thing.

Who asked for this? Like, the two sequels we already got weren't horrible, but I honestly don't think I've seen a single person who's ride or die, hardcore into them the way people still are towards the original even after 20 years. It felt like they were milking that cow pretty dry already, and adding on another two whole extra sequel series just feels completely unnecessary. Housing Complex sounds like it has some promise, though. Here's hoping they can actually pull it off and roll out more original ideas.

Don't worry there's plenty of porn detailing that exact concept. Shenmue- It's gonna be real hard to top the sheer joy I got from the forklift content but we'll see how it goes. Hi there, Discount Nami. This kid doesn't have a soccer ball you can't trust him. MY BAG. Never trust a child. Go stay with Discount Nami. Hey look, our next sidequest has arrived. Hi there, unnecessarily angry old lady. I bet that guy's dead. Hi, other hot lady. Meeting denied. Is your wish something that can be resolved by punching? Is this friendly old guy the master? Objective unlocked: Punch tree 100 times. I could go for some instant noodles. Thanks douche that's helpful. Discount Nami to the rescue. She's into you, dumbass. I like her. Oh right, the weird girl who speaks in cryptic riddles. Now go get your sack of useless crap back from the orphan. I like that guy who's just carrying around a boombox while trying to fight. Fuck you, tree! Awooda? You've unlocked a new location. Does this lady ever uncross her arms? Surprise, it's the hot lady. Who's this asshole? Titan- Goddammit Eren! Once again, fuck you Zeke. Time to destroy everyone's balls. Those hands were just holding you back. Oh right, Historia's life is all fucked up too. Well that's an ominous book. I don't like where this is going. I'd like to get off this ride please. Quick, hide in the treegina! That sure is a thing that happened. Congratulations, "I shall reward you with my seed" is the absolute worst sentence I've ever heard! And then she died. Oh hey, the walls are named after them. Okay so did he actually have any idea they'd get her powers if they ate her or was that just some kinda batshit hunch he had? EVERYONE'S YELLING. The surprising twist to getting her on your side is just treating her like a normal goddamn person, who'd have thought. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what is this? Aw shit here we go. Remember that this is all Gabi's fault. Eren what the FUCK. Oh okay then I guess we're just going with the straight up genocide plan then. Ass Class- Math is a truly terrifying beast. I love my kids. I have no idea what you're saying, boys. Meanwhle Karma learns a valuable lesson bout teamwork. i'm proud of all of you, kids. Now you just have to kill the unkillable squid and you're good. The important thing is, your douchebag principal ate shit on this test. SLAP. It's gonna hurt me so bad when they eventually have to kill him. Oh you sack of shit. So does this douchewad just want the entire world to be destroyed? I love that squid. Oh I'm gonna enjoy watching this assclown fail yet again. What is this excessively elaborate horse shit? Just kill him. I want to see this dickwad suffer. He even fired the chestnut, that bastard! HOORAY FOR UNEMPLOYMENT! Abyss- Wow, what a hole. Good luck kids, I love you. Meanwhile, I'm glad the other kids are doing okay. Aww look at the adorable puffballs. Oh, everything else is terrifying. Nooo the adorable puffballs! That ship is definitely haunted. Aw shit that's some kinda monster nest. CHEESE IT. RIP boat. Ohhhh that sounds like a bad thing. Oh no it's that fucker again. Throw the puffballs at it! Man I hope that tunnel leads someplace safe. Riko for the love of god just stay there. Riko no what did I just say! I'm guessing she moved all of twelve feet. Food! Great job, now you're being digested. Ewwww. They're so cute I want 400 of them. RIKO GODDAMMIT JUST STAY THERE. And then she got hit with the curse again. And now she's hallucinating. That's not your mom THAT'S NOT YOUR MOM! Congratulations! Aw fuck that thing's still attacking. WHIP OUT THE SCYTHE! I love my good robot son. Surely it's all smooth sailing from here. One Piece- AGAIN, WHY DO WE LET CARIBOU EXIST. Tonight's theme is apparently me being viscerally disgusted. Present time, shit is hitting the fan. I goddamn love that whale. Luffy, just casully insulting the king. I love Brook. Oh, did you find Zoro? He's already drunk, it's definitely Zoro. Awww, Tom. Robin's archaeology senses are tingling. Magic tree, got it. Here, have this cactus. Oh hey that's nifty. Ooh it's fancy. King Neptune is grounded. Someone feed this boy. Goddammit Luffy! The hell? Oh yeah this is all going just great. Lotta axes jammed in that door. You're on a giant pair of titties. Awwww, she's adorable. Luffy, immediately insulting their princess. Oh look, it's this asshole again. Ohhhh, he's a fucking creep. It's okay sweetie he just wants your food. Let me axe you a question. That sure are a lot of guards all of a sudden. I mean, Sanji's a pretty solid suspect for mermaid kidnapping. My shark! Yep, that sounds like Zoro. She's so cute! I love Megalo. Oh, he's goddamn terrible. Give Luffy food and he'll protect you with his life. Well that's depressing. SHE'S SO CUTE I LOVE HER. Don't yell at her. Luffy you can't say that! He's breaking you out, sweetie! Wow, these guards suck. Fuck 'em up, guys! Oh hey Zoro. Meanwhile, what the fuck are you people doing. I hate all of you.

There's really no good way to handle Alvida that's not gonna get crucified by half the reviews. Her entire plot is being an incompetent fat lady who gets punched in the face so hard she goes flying across the ocean and returns as a competent thin lady. Adapt that faithfully and the non-anime watchers are going to have issues with the main character hitting a woman as a gag and the fat/thin depiction; adapt it for casual viewers and the anime fans are going to lose their shit about their cartoon being changed to appease the general audience and probably throw in some slurs because clickbait anime bros are goddamn horrible. They really should have just cut Alvida entirely, rearranged Coby to be on Buggy's crew, and blamed it on having to streamline the adaptation instead of not wanting to deal with nerds complaining about her character.

Live action Garp can get it.

I can and have simped for worse within the last week. You do you, buddy. Shenmue- Are we sure there's no more forkift content? Look at this failure pissing on himself. I like this girl. Be more like this girl, Nozomi. Oh hey, forklift guy. YES MORE FORKLIFT CONTENT. Sorry girl you're not forkllift certified. I'm genuinely delighted by this turn of events. Oh yeah I'm sure they're really dead. Surprise they're not really dead. You dumb gangster bastards they've still got a forklift. 70 vs 2 seems like a fair fight. Mai is my favorite character. PIPE. Time to find yourself a rich sugar daddy, Ryo. Please slap that guy every time he screams BRO at the screen. Screw her already. No, it really was her fault for walking straight into the mobsters. At least take some pity on her and let her blow you. WHAT. Boy howdy did he score out of his league. Meanwhile Nozomi doesn't get dicked, absolutely tragic. MY LEG. Not this fucker again! And these dudes were never seen again. Titan- SOMEONE LEFT A BABY. Your dad sucked, boys. Eren's having a bit of a rough day. Nobody fucking likes you, Zeke. Weird memory shit. Why not destroy everyone's balls, Eren? The running theme of this season is that Zeke continues to fucking suck. And then we spent years trying to get into that goddamn basement. Oh hey, is that Historia's family? Everyone sucks in this episode. FUUUUTUUURE. Well, this could be going better. Uhhh Eren whatcha doing? And then everyone died. No one's having a good time here. Zeke's having a rough day. Ass Class- Diiiiiiiiiiick. He's going to turn all your lackeys against you. This is not gonna end well. Piece of shit asshole. I goddamn love Karma. Koro-sensei is best teacher. Oh no the douche is here. What the fuck. Oh no, we can literally murder him for you if that's what you want. Neat, everybody's goals line up nicely together. Karma is the best. May he offer you an egg in this trying time? Good luck kids, do your best. ENGLISH HAMMER. Those monsters are cracking me up. Oh hey, the fake girl. I'm pretty sure the brute force technique is how I passed the science part of my ACT back in the day. Partial credit is indeed a godsend. Karma's so cool. Abyss- Time for some happy fun training with the adorable children. Oooh it's pretty, go swimming in it. Ohhh that seems ominous. ABYSS HIPPO. Oh fuck you summoned the mosquitos. I love my kids. Your plan is shit, literally. They were definitely lesbians before she found a boyfriend. Lyza needs a hug. Surprise, it's a corpse baby! Sweet, hippo meat. They made it, I'm proud of them. Riko: dead. Riko: FOOD. Time is an illusion, kiddos. Hug! Hug denied. Oh I already don't trust Bondrewd. Joke denied. We got a fresh mystery on our hands, folks. Sweet, magic pickaxe. Tell us the secrets, goddammit! Marulk is so cute. Lyza's so fucking cool. She's so pretty. One Piece- Last time, Sanji fucking died. Oh fuck DON'T OPEN THAT BARREL. The one with the crowbar is my girlfriend. Goddammit Sanji control your goddamn dick. Boy howdy did this scene not age well. Sorry Luffy you've got covid. Oh sweet, poison immunity. Well, there was that time he got bukake'd in poison sludge. Save those mermaids! Again, why do we let Caribou exist. GIANT SHARK WAIFU. I love you, big titty fortune teller shark wife. No meat for you. I goddamn love Brook. Starfish friend! "Lots of bones to go around!" fucking killed me. Maybe next time we should just let Sanji die. I am unreasonably pleased with that fish taxi's hat. Oh, he's a fucking creep. "That doesn't make sense" has never stopped this show before. Sweet, mermaid genetic lesson. Big Mom? I bet we never hear from her again. Aw shit, now there's a whole damn prophecy to deal with. Well this looks like a bad time. I'm calling that one guy Douchebag Zoidberg. Oh this guy looks like a real asshole. Remember kids, don't do drugs. Man this starfish is doing well for himself. God I love Nami. Oh fuck how do I get that deal. Oh hey, the king. I like his giant whale. Whaaaaaale. Oh hey it's the shark. Oh good he's a nice king. GODDAMMIT SANJI. Gettin' real tired of this joke, show. Fuck yeah, party! Shut up and get on the shark. We're still missing Franky and Robin, right? And then these random schmucks got murdered. FUCKING ARLONG?

Great, gonna have fun dealing with their customer service about the yearly subscription I paid for in January. Two free months of CR premium ain't exactly an even trade on that one.

All I knew about Shenmue going into this anime was the forklift meme and that everyone hated the third game. I was unreasonably excited for that Forklift Content and somehow I was not disappointed. 9/10, would have preferred more forklifts.