Mix

A+ reference

That's too bad. The Christmas cards are delightful.

Big companies are ruining this country. Why not give local mom and pop porn a chance? I can send you one where mom really gives it to pop.

You ever see a scene made so well you forget you're turned on? You're just sitting there muttering to yourself, "is that drone footage....who has the time to shoot and edit in b-roll.....nah, that was rehearsed, you don't just expect that to happen."

Neither did I, but now that I know this bit of info i'm going to subtly hint that i'm better than you because I don't drink it. Is it weird that I kinda want to drink it now?

I saw my new neighbor's brand new lawn mower blow up on the very first day he used it. Idk know what happened, but I laughed and karma won't let me forget it.

Kim's Convenience S6 Ep13 I'm a sucker for a well made sitcom.

right in the gas tank... hence the fire....

Please don't fuck this up Please don't fuck this up Please don't fuck this up 🤞

🤣 Man, I didn't realize how much i've missed riding the bus.

isn't hummus just like chickpeas?

Why does this keep happening to me? I'll randomly come across some nature doc that catches my eye while, at the same time, eating the thing that i'm watching be happy and free and....alive '>.> I once buried some venison in my backyard. It felt weird giving a funeral speech without naming it, so I called it Gary. ...I'm eating this fish though. I'm starving '>.>

No worries, bruv. I'm actually immortal. Keep that info on the low though. Damn vampire hunters are hella persistent. I try to explain that i'm not a vampire, show them the painting, but no....it's all sharp sticks and water with those guys....ageist motherfuckers

don't over sell this this is a regular disaster at most

how else are you supposed to throw a house party? This isn't one of your cotillions or late evening soirees. You leave your manners at home and come have a good time.

You're a life savor. I always forget the napkins and cocaine.

I didn't know those guys were musicians. I thought they were athletes. Either way I was certain they weren't actors.

I'm going to need you to refrain from telling the rape joke until I give you the signal. The signal will be when I tell my rape joke. Two rape jokes cancel each other out. That's science.

🤘

I've already made several mistakes. I told my neighbors ahead of time, also invited them, like you do when you don't want them to call the cops. Turns out they think I called the cops on them some time ago and I could not convince them otherwise, so they are for sure calling the cops. I also made a bad throw away joke about the party being BYOB (bring your own bitch) in a group text where people had added their girlfriends. These women already hate me for being the archetype of the guy you don't want your husband to be friends with. Also, because they've secured the gold band on the finger and I still refer to them as "the girlfriends." And I failed to secure blackjack and hookers. It's gonna suck. Wanna come?

I don't brush things off. I cope with all my embarrassments the same way.