Lynnrael

my dad's wife sent me a text. i deleted it. the only things i want to say to her are mean and angry and it's just not worth faking otherwise to make her happy. if I'm being honest, i want to forget she exists and i want her to forget i exist. i hate her, and i hate that i do because she isn't even worthy of my hate. as of right now she doesn't know that. i don't know how to explain the ways she's hurt me, or how angry i still am. i don't think she's ever going to accept responsibility for that, or even acknowledge the harm she caused in any way. i don't think she's strong enough to grow and change as a person. she's had plenty of time to be better and she's still this pathetic, self absorbed bully. she can't even talk about racism without making it about her, and she's a fucking white women. what i really want to tell her is that she's my dad's pathetic attempt at replacing the worst qualities of my mom, thinking those are what made her strong and missing all of the important things. but I'm just gonna delete it and not respond. no good can come of this. hope she gets the message that i don't want to talk.

accurate representation of the inside of my head

i slept in till like 1:30 today. but my normal shift starts at 1 so it's not the extreme sleeping in that it sounds like waking up in the afternoon. not that i probably wouldn't sleep in anyways. but it helps that i don't have kids so my days off are mine.

that sounds really yummy

what's funny to me is my music habits are very much like your YouTube habits. I'll go from something like days n daze or escape from the zoo to, like, 100 gecs or the pom poms and then pivot into pop punk or something else. i have no idea how Spotify keeps up with me. I'm getting close to having 5k liked songs lol I'm surprised there's not at least a few trans guntubers. i bet there's more of a market for that than most people would think lol

ok, trying not to have a crush on this person right away, but she's so freaking cool. they even like video essays, too!

i don't pay attention to ads much on YouTube, but most of them seem to miss. i think there's been a few that are closer to being on target i guess. Spotify's music algorithm is pretty damn good for me though. i go through musical cravings and need something fresh to generate dopamine a lot, and when i start listening to a certain type it usually picks up on it and i get decent daily playlists pretty regularly. Instagrams ads have been really on point, and I've even clicked on a few on purpose, which is kind of unheard of for me. attractive queer coded people and products aimed at queer people is probably the biggest factor, though. YouTube really fails in that regard, because like I've gotten ads and content suggested that are very much not even remotely queer friendly. like, whose idea was it to put a homophobic chicken place ad on a video essay about trans rights? who thought that was a good idea?

one of the reasons I'm not looking forward to dating at all. it seems like everyone I've heard from who dates these days gets ghosted a lot, it sucks

I'm so happy! talking to a new friend, she's so cool and it's nice to talk to someone i can relate to. i was really nervous about reaching out to her because I'm not good at that but I'm so glad i did lol she's also really cute and pretty. I'm too shy to flirt yet though >.<

congratulations! i look forward to seeing your progress!

it's the best thing i ever did, personally ^.^

it wasn't debate, except it was, and it went just like it seems to every single time. I'm more frustrated with myself because i know I'm going to be held to a debate level of standard where i have to prove every statement and every thing i say is picked apart if i mention the guy. not that that's what you were intentionally doing, but it felt like that. you seem pretty cool and I'm just taking my frustrations from past encounters out on you, which really isn't fair. i wish i had the energy to discuss the rest but i don't. and that frustrates me too. i still think he does more harm than good but I'm just not going to be able to explain why in a satisfactory way. sorry for being weird about it

his repeated ableism is very upsetting to me, so when he's mentioned i feel like I have to say something. i do care, obviously, because his use of slurs, and the way he talks about brain damage is harmful. i don't want to care because it's always like this, every single time. i don't have the energy to do these silly debates that his fans always think are so important. i just need to remember to shut up about it, i guess. y'all win, no more criticism ever

these new shoes did not work out as planned. my feet hurt so goddamn bad right now

i really really really cannot express how much i don't want to care about vaush. his ableism is enough for me to not like him and I'm just going to leave it at that. i just do not want to care, I'm sorry i don't like your streamer guy