DragonSinger

You wanted positive vibes, and I'm sure you'll twist reality to make handcuffing kids a story that puts pep in your step today. I believe in you, MD.

Sure. http://metro.co.uk/2017/01/31/boy-5-handcuffed-at-us-border-for-being-security-threat-to-usa-6417601/

Unless I become homeless, I'm too friggin lazy to shoplift. Running sucks as it is, and I prefer not getting shot by cops for running while black.

Here ya go:

My period didn't come early this month like it did the past 2 times, so I got to enjoy my weekend.

14. Paychecks

??? I don't know why that would be a surprise.

Come on, Buddy, just open your heart and say it! My serious answer is that you seem to have a problem expressing affectionate emotions to anyone who isn't one of your kids. It makes me stroke my invisible beard while saying, "Well that's interesting," in an Austrian accent, but I don't think that means a lack of love for your mom and sister. There are just people more comfortable returning those words than others. For me, it's awkward, but I don't see a cost in indulging someone I genuinely love. It can be selfish and insecure to try and prompt an "I love you" out of family(and can be abused), but that's also very human. Those words can make a person feel good for a little while, especially if they're at an age where they're contemplating their mortality. There could be a bunch of other reasons why your mom wants to hear it more often, and you could ask her why.

It was! Pig out days are wonderful.

That's what you get for staring at it instead of grabbing it. 70. Hernias.

French toast with fried chicken tenderloins, a quarter of a country fried steak, potato casserole, and a cupcake.

Every company who does shit like this is always run by the biggest hypocrites. As for facebook, I hear horror stories about people having their rapist or molester suggested to them all the time.

Stop making this weird.

I've woken up and had to stop myself from shouting at someone who wasn't even there because they pissed me off so badly in a dream.

I was craving a cheesesteak and ice cream but scratched both itches at lunch.

Can't wait for tonight! It's nice having free time to watch Toonami again.

Congratulations on it not being a tumor, but jeez that's fucking huge!

Pretty much this except we store our flour in the freezer.

Happy Birthday Pooh!

I have to eat breakfast, or I'll have no energy for most of the day.

At bootcamp that I washed out of, there was this bastard quack who kept telling me that the reason for my horrible stomach pain was dehydration or depression. He kept harping on the latter because I felt stressed out due to being in so much agony that it was hard for me to eat. He and other idiot doctors are part of why I separated so I could get real care.

I've never heard of it before. I googled it because the instructions on how to use it were more detailed than your usual joke video.