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SwimModSponges

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@Adminderaptorpat please pin this thread

This thread is where you post your opinions, advice, and reviews of the literary works of others. 

I figured it would be kind of nice to focus all the critiques etc. of the various literary items shared here into a singular thread, and have all the other threads be the actual literary works themselves.

  RULES  

1. When you're reviewing or giving advice, try to be critical but also don't be a dick about it. I mean theoretically you shouldn't be a dick anywhere, so I guess this rule basically means that standard moderation rules apply here.

2. Tag the author of the work and name the particular literary work in your post so everybody knows who you're talking about.

3. Spoilers should be hidden or at least very clearly marked.

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1 minute ago, SwimModSponges said:

@ghostrek this is where you should post your reviews of my fanfictions that you promised you would do.

let me read it frist i been bussy i work 40 hours week

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@SwimModSponges XvAvP

So, read first 9 chapters and I'm enjoying it. Just thought I'd let you know.

As for a critique, the only thing wrong so far is you're not doing much with some of the characters...though that might change as I read. Beast and Rogue haven't done anything yet. Hell I don't think Rogue even had a line.

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Why aren't I reading here, you ask? To save time. I want to read your long-winded stories, but I need to make a time and place for it. Reading takes time, and that's one thing everyone's swamped for. Well, for me anyway...

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4 hours ago, Spindack said:

Is there a website or webpage url page where you have this? I'd like to add it to my favorites browser. 

Nope, afraid not. 

Copypaste into word document.

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Looking forward to reading it.

I must confess, I was a little disappointed she didn't get any of that dino action from earlier. I just imagined her getting really pissed as the dinos died before finishing the job, reaching for the surrounding ones that were starting to back away as their primitive lizard brains were flashing danger, and riding them to completion. I'm not sure what that says about me...

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Fun story; the orgin of my universe-bending powers was originally covering myself in a quantum state (the void i took on the first time i spoke to Xavier). The inspiration for this particular superpower was to come up with a way to safely give Rogue a good dicking.

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Wouldn't a specially made gimp suit do the job? Rogue needs skin contact to drain others, so a full body condom should protect both parties.

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Ok...holy shit where do I start? For starters, it was very well written. Grammatically sound with an extensive vocabulary. I loved the combination of different worlds as well as the break neck action sequences. They were incredible. I did feel like they dragged a bit at times, but it wasn't a serious issue. The dialogue was impeccable. I love how you captured the characters, especially Deadpool, so perfectly. It really helped set the scene. As far as the sex scenes are concerned, they were pretty enjoyable. The first one wasn't my favorite because it wasn't consensual but that's just me. The others were definitely fapworthy stuff. My favorite part about how you did the sex scenes is the reader can easily omit them if they wish. They aren't required as a vital plotpoint. You give the reader a choice which is dope. Overall it was an exhilarating ride of non stop action, sex, and sarcasm. I gotta give this one a strong 8.5/10!

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@PhilosipherStoned i read that rap.

It was very good, had a great flow to it and was well written with an impressive range of linguistics. although i personally don't find the imagery of head-nodding particularly strong.

But then, i know nothing about rapping.

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I read the XMen V.S Alien  v.s Pedator fanfic and I loved the way you pulled off your pornographic shift in that one.. It seemed the most believable of all of them since you took the role of god, and more or less made it happen to to impress deadpool. That being said it semed like you drug the pornographic bit out a little too long, and the story as a whole kind of looses it's value. I'm not very big on porno in general though so that could be why I lose interest to be honest.

I had to edit to correct the name of one I actually read.. I may need to read through that one again because the last part I remember was the part where storm and rogue were getting dinosaur action. That's why I assumed it was the Jurassic World crossover. Your "double digit number adjectives in one sentence" style helps to create an actual visual scene in my head while I'm reading your writing, but it makes it more challenging to actually remember and critique for sure. :S

Edited by PhilosipherStoned

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9 hours ago, PhilosipherStoned said:

I read the XMen V.S Alien  v.s Pedator fanfic and I loved the way you pulled off your pornographic shift in that one.. It seemed the most believable of all of them since you took the role of god, and more or less made it happen to to impress deadpool. That being said it semed like you drug the pornographic bit out a little too long, and the story as a whole kind of looses it's value. I'm not very big on porno in general though so that could be why I lose interest to be honest.

Yeah in the original draft of the stories on the old boards, all of the pornographic elements were just jokes: I put up a spoiler tag saying "click here for XXX dinosaur action!" and then when you clicked the spoiler it would say you had to pay to access the content. Then once we got to a new boards where everything was uncensored, I just kind of went for broke. You can skip the sex scenes entirely and it doesn't effect the story at all, but I wouldn't personally recommend it. I mean, I went for broke. The Xavier/wheelchair x Mystique (as both Romijn and Lawrence) x Beast scene is about as out there as I could get, and the lesbian orgy/deadpool hunt/humping suermodel hot dinosaurs scene is literally one of the best things I've ever written. 

I had to edit to correct the name of one I actually read.. I may need to read through that one again because the last part I remember was the part where storm and rogue were getting dinosaur action.

Storm and Jean, and that's only a third of the way into the story. Shit, didn't even introduce aliens or predators yet. How can you have XvAvP without A & P? Please do re-read, and remember: first stories are closer to the bottom. XvAvP > XAV Club > XJW > XAS (unreleased) > XAV DnD (unreleased). 

That's why I assumed it was the Jurassic World crossover. Your "double digit number adjectives in one sentence" style helps to create an actual visual scene in my head while I'm reading your writing, but it makes it more challenging to actually remember and critique for sure. :S

Benefits outweigh the negatives. Visual writing: show, don't tell.

 

Edited by SwimModSponges
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I just havent really had the time for a standard novel lately let alone a sponges novel.  If you didn't have to make Storm and Rogue actually enjoy the dinosaur penis and go looking for more I might've finished XvAVP when I sat down to read it with nothing better to do. Also I believe you can lay out a scene without using 10 adjectives a sentence. Most novelist do because their editors would make them edit uneccesary adjectives to make the story a more clear concise read. 

 

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Here's an exchange of dialogue from something I'm currently writing.

Quote

"There's no fighting those with greater power than you."

"Yeah, well what's the point if I don't try!?"

Does that make sense? If not, what can I do to change it while getting the same point across? (That is, speaker B would rather fight "those with greater power" than do nothing.)

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Yeah that works.

I mean, you could maybe, I don't know, throw something in there to make the quote more effective, memorable.

"there's no fighting X. X is going to do Y, X has always done Y. There's nothing Z can do to stop it."

Something like that, just kind of throwing stuff out there.

It's your story, if you feel like it works, then it does.

Hell, I wrote an entire chapter devoted to dinosaur rape.

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@SwimModSponges, I read the first few chapters, and it’s very interesting. Like I said last night, I’ve got two sick kids, but I will try to read more as the day progresses. So far, I dig where it’s going. I like how there are an infinite number of parallel universes. That’s a cool concept. The new born McDonald’s fries wrapped in barbed wire.... did not ever see that coming. Ever. I will give more feedback as I progress through it. So far, nothing to critique. Very cool concept so far.

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@bnmjy and @PokeNirvash though I appreciate your enthusiasm for @ghostrek's work I would ask that out of respect for the author all comments, criticism, etc be reserved for this topic so that the story thread is able to continue uninterrupted.

@Admin_Raptorpat could you do my a solid and move the posts from ghostrek's fanfiction thread into this thread; unless I'm being a pedantic bitch in which case whatever.

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20 minutes ago, SwimModSponges said:

@bnmjy and @PokeNirvash though I appreciate your enthusiasm for @ghostrek's work I would ask that out of respect for the author all comments, criticism, etc be reserved for this topic so that the story thread is able to continue uninterrupted.

@Admin_Raptorpat could you do my a solid and move the posts from ghostrek's fanfiction thread into this thread; unless I'm being a pedantic bitch in which case whatever.

You honestly expect the story to actually continue after that?

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My review of @ghosrek's fanfiction- chapters 1-4:

I will be using this rubric.

creative-writing-rubric2-1-638.jpg?cb=14

Attention: I'll give you a B-. We see that Kagome is very hostile, and the reader may feel some draw to figure out what caused this anger. However the reader could easily interpret this anger as a simple personality facet, which really lessens the impact.

Originality: C+. Plot is just a christmas carol, however the cast of characters and their interactions are... relatively speaking original in this context. Cliches though, you struggle with. From Kagome getting mad at InuYasha for turning up the heat, to SPOILER ALERT kagome's christmas miscarriage... The out of body experience while having a heart attack also sounds similar to a plot point in last season's Venture Bros finale. The imagery of godzilla singing christmas carols, the dialogue during that scene, and the ghost part (assuming the out of body experience line wasn't lifted) were highlights

Interest: I'll give you another C+ here. The crux of the problem is, the same as it was in the original christmas carol. the shock of revisiting painful memories does have an effect on Kagome's character, though it could definitely use to be expounded upon more thoroughly. 

Clarity: C-. I was very confused when Kagome and godzilla were discussing their business. I feel like if there were more backstory the story would be improved.

Mechanics: D. 

All told, solid C thus far.

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