Mix

would I lie to you?

It helps if you're blind. Always helps to have a friend who can confidently tell the police they didn't see shit.

Happy Birthday, big dawg

My dick's not hard, but I can't bend my fingers.

Who told you about my novel?

Most everyone has probably been in a situation where an asshole is friendly to you. They are a complete jerk to everybody, but for some reason you got a pass. Everyone likes to be liked....so, when people go, "that guy is an asshole," you go, "nah, he's alright," knowing full well, he is not. This is kind of like that, except not. The conversation went... - "Hey, remember that dick, Chris. Mac's guy." - "He wasn't a dick, he was just awkward, didn't know how to deal with people. What about him?" - "He's in prison for murder. Guy owed him money so he shot up his house, ended up killing a kid." - "Jesus Christ.....what a terrible accident." - "Accident?" - "Well...yeah. 'Gimme my money' gunshots aren't the same as 'imma kill you' gunshots. He was just trying to send a message." - "That's probably what his lawyer said in court." - "Probably." -"What the fuck is wrong with you?" -"He made me feel appreciated!"

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I should just keep driving till I hit Mexico. I could start a new life. People do it all the time. Mostly criminals, but... (Looks around) Am I the only person in this parking lot? It's super eerie out here. Like a scene in a movie right before somebody gets got. How awesome would that be....sweet release. Maybe time froze. Time froze and...as long as I stay in this car, it'll stay that way. I'll just...sit here. Nothing has to happen, nothing has to be decided, nothing has to change. This is kinda nice. And, of course, now I gotta take a shit. Why do I always have to take a shit whenever i'm contemplating high stress situations? I wonder if the part of the brain that deals with stress is also the part that controls your bowels. Probably why people shit themselves when they get too scared. Fuck, i've been sitting out here too long. They probably think i'm about to rob the place. You never hear about people robbing ice cream parlors. Which sounds like a dumb idea, but it's actually genius. Banks are impossible and the people that work at gas stations are grizzled war vets at this point. Robbing an ice cream parlor is basically crime with training wheels by comparison. No silent alarm to worry about and the person behind the counter doesn't have a well worn pistol within reach. Am I about to rob this place? Then...I would HAVE to go to Mexico.

First, you're welcome. Second, I don't appreciate your characterization of my original post, but I understand. Nobody ever takes you seriously when you're talking about piss. Third, I was on that show. The producers are assholes. They allowed me to be on the show just to disqualify me in the first episode. Apparently my hand and I don't count as a couple.

That's just too cute. It makes taking your money more festive than it should be. I want people to be sad about taking my money....I want pics of human atrocities on my checks....like slaves and shit...

They say that time is money and the reaper knows the budget. - Black Thought

This is good useful information. Question, how do you categorize piss? Like, say someone enjoys a hot cup of organic, homemade piss in the morning...y'know, for the antibodies and all that....if it's not a tea, would it be considered like a coffee?

Is not what you expect to hear at the end of a funeral. I mean, who still writes checks.

you got out while it was still good...I wish I did that

The Walking Dead just ended and i'm not going through that again.

nah, america got some generic bullshit...other countries got some fun ones though

I'm so sorry. Have you put any thought into that cock reduction surgery we talked about? It'll vastly improve your quality of life and not just because you can go back to wearing regular pants.

Anytime, big guy. Hey, how's your cock? Still huge?

because you're a crazy person. There's nothing wrong with that, btw. You asked and I answered.

This reminds me, I forgot to mention this a while ago, but do you remember back when I forbade you from having that breast reduction surgery. You know, back when you brought that up as an option and I threatened to run for office just to pass a law making it illegal to do such a thing. Well, I want you to know I was wrong. I know I was the only reason you didn't go through with it because my opinion means so much to you and you respect me so much and whatever, but my cousin had the surgery and she's a different woman. Her mood is better, her anxiety has been lifted, her outbursts of anger are gone (which has saved me a lot in bail money). She says it's because she no longer has to deal with the physical strain of carrying those watermelons around, but idk. I'm starting to think women carry a lot of stress and negative vibes in their tits. It's like they're storage sacks for everything that makes you no happy. You gotta get rid of those things. oh, and happy birthday.

He's always husslin'

The bit started with him saying stupid people should have to wear a sign and it basically turned into the things they do are the sign.