Mix

it's 3am this is my time I rule you

No thanks, I still got plenty of booze in the fri.....oh crap

That's fine. Human horn sells just us well no matter the size.

don't be a why guy....be a why not guy

your penis

I didn't think this through, but I pinky promise i'll have a good grip on it by the time you land in Heathrow

yup, gotta get your jewel

or

(3am, in my kitchen, internal convo) Me: (Pours milk into favorite mug, lifts it up to drink, eyelash falls in) Also Me: I guess I could put the mug down and fish it out, but.......I think if I tilt it right and gulp it down at steady intervals I could....possibly......just.....make it....fuck that was genius....I'm a fucking genius. Me: (puts empty mug with eyelash in sink, returns to bed feeling like a million bucks)

No, he ate the dog

(talking to old south asian neighbor.....he had a heavy accent, it made the scene funnier, i'm not being racist) Him: Hey! Me: Hey. Him: You see dat beeg berd? Me: No, what bird? Him: Beeg berd, fly over houses all murning Me: No, I haven't seen anything. I haven't been home since last Saturday. Him: Guy down da street come over lookin for his dog. I say I no see him. But I think, "buddy, your dog dead." Me: (laughs) Him: (laughs)

(me trying to holla by pretending like I know someone) (...in the ice cream isle of a grocery store) Me: Oh hey, how're you doing? Her: (turns around......look of confusion........tots pregnant) Me: (panics....tries to get out of this) I'm sorry......I meant, how y'all doin'? (panics.....idiot....panics)

Happy bir......is it in human years or....nvr mind....happy "hey look you're still alive" day

it's like a Four Loko that went to private school

they did