Mix

or

(3am, in my kitchen, internal convo) Me: (Pours milk into favorite mug, lifts it up to drink, eyelash falls in) Also Me: I guess I could put the mug down and fish it out, but.......I think if I tilt it right and gulp it down at steady intervals I could....possibly......just.....make it....fuck that was genius....I'm a fucking genius. Me: (puts empty mug with eyelash in sink, returns to bed feeling like a million bucks)

No, he ate the dog

(talking to old south asian neighbor.....he had a heavy accent, it made the scene funnier, i'm not being racist) Him: Hey! Me: Hey. Him: You see dat beeg berd? Me: No, what bird? Him: Beeg berd, fly over houses all murning Me: No, I haven't seen anything. I haven't been home since last Saturday. Him: Guy down da street come over lookin for his dog. I say I no see him. But I think, "buddy, your dog dead." Me: (laughs) Him: (laughs)

(me trying to holla by pretending like I know someone) (...in the ice cream isle of a grocery store) Me: Oh hey, how're you doing? Her: (turns around......look of confusion........tots pregnant) Me: (panics....tries to get out of this) I'm sorry......I meant, how y'all doin'? (panics.....idiot....panics)

Happy bir......is it in human years or....nvr mind....happy "hey look you're still alive" day

it's like a Four Loko that went to private school

they did

This is still going on? I thought we were all kidding This is going to be worse than that time Peter was roommates with Oscar Pistorius

It ended how it started, with you paying for his sins. You're like Jesus.

not even kidding...I googled you and Morpheus told me you were the one Where do I sign up?

I think they're both into dudes, but sure, I guess, if they're game

How would two people who live in the same area and know the same people ever meet? Is that what you're asking me?

Yeah, you're right....that's pretty sloppy....he's gotta call his shot before, not after he lands it

They're still technically family....can't really risk fucking up with them....gotta give them back how you got 'em

pfft, waddya talkin' 'bout, this is a potential life hack....some other broad does the heavy lifting and gifts you with two fresh rugrats just in time for you to hit snooze on that baby clock......in the end, it's all upside, they're rentals....

Someone thinks you did something and accuses you out in the open. You didn't do this thing, but you can't help but laugh as you try to defend yourself, thereby making you look guilty, which you recognize, but this makes you laugh even more as you continue to half ass your denial of the accusation. Which obviously doesn't help. This process escalates until you're not even defending yourself anymore, you're just laughing at what is now a furious person who is dead certain you did the thing they think you did.