jackiemarie90 Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 Which isn't sad for everyone else, but what I think is depressing, is that everyone is an open relationship. I'm pretty certain that this may sound like a paradise to some, but for me, it just makes me feel like love is dead. I know many people don't believe in the concept of love, as it may just be chemicals running through our mind but I also believe science can reduce things. I don't really believe in a greater purpose, or destiny, but I think relationships between humans can develop beautiful things between people, I suppose that can happen while being with different partners, but I also see many arguments fall out of it too. There is always drama in the house because of it. I don't have a problem with polyamory, or people who engage in open relationships, but it makes me feel sad that the only guys who are interested in being with me are the ones already in relationships. I wouldn't want to be with a guy who would be constantly be thinking of someone else, or think of someone who is better. I don't know, it also feels like it's impossible for me to grow any attachment to any person at the moment as well. Not cause I'm afraid of commitment, but I'm afraid of the way in how humans lie to satisfy their own needs. I kind of have developed a wish to be a 3rd party entity in all this, without the ability to have human emotions, my depression has killed all drives that squash any possibility of urges. Yet I still hold these idealistic visions of what romantic love should be, this may be naivete to people who want to reduce things. I don't know, I've been so depressed living here for awhile now, that I have been dropped out of school for almost a year. I plan on leaving student housing in the spring, and being semi homeless, in the hopes of embarking on a 6 month backpacking trip, hopefully on the PCT. I've really gotten into backpacking, as I find it a solace from being trapped in the Berkeley bubble during the pandemic. It's almost comedic for me, that I can't help but think those dam shitty ass conservatives are right, Berkeley is a liberal hell hole. XD 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nabreezy Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 (edited) 50 minutes ago, jackiemarie90 said: It's almost comedic for me, that I can't help but think those dam shitty ass conservatives are right, Berkeley is a liberal hell hole. XD Lol, I came away with the same feelings visiting San Diego this year, and SD is probably still much less hateable than Berkeley. Even the "smells like piss everywhere" trope was proven real, to my surprise. Backpacking in the PNW does sound very nice, but don't idealize semi-homelessness (I'm imagining camping and occasional hostel-staying) with no fallback plan too much. Visiting a homeless relative in SD was very harrowing and seeing how people in that liberal bastion operate and "deal with" living alongside such an enormous homeless population greatly contributed to my disgust with socal, the people who live there, the "culture." I feel the same way about incestuous group living situations, and despite your immediate surroundings and peer group your feelings sound more 'normal' or typical of most people our age, even though it may not seem like it where you are. So don't feel like ur in the minority just bc of what you've been living with, even though it's really hard to say for sure what most people in most places think and want when - who has the time to get to know that many people, really. Most of the cool kids involved in fake "radical" left stuff here are all fucking each other, always having endless drama, factioning off, living on top of each other, being way too involved in each other's personal and lives, no real sense of privacy or reprieve from it. Seems like absolute hell but some people just crave that kind of stressful mess I guess. A friend who has been spending time staying at a commune of 40+ people (that is not at all a leftist one in any ideological sense) described that place largely the same way. A few different polyamorous "groups"/tribes co-existing despite all the drama and interpersonal histories and latent tension. Weird emotional conflicts. Young kids involved in both situations. . . All of it very unappealing, but not everything is for everybody. Edited October 8, 2021 by Nabreezy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted October 8, 2021 Author Share Posted October 8, 2021 8 minutes ago, Nabreezy said: Lol, I came away with the same feelings visiting San Diego this year, and SD is probably still much less hateable than Berkeley. Even the "smells like piss everywhere" trope was proven real, to my surprise. Backpacking in the PNW does sound very nice, but don't idealize semi-homelessness with no fallback plan too much. Visiting a homeless relative in SD was very harrowing and seeing how people in that liberal bastion operate and "deal with" living alongside such an enormous homeless population greatly contributed to my disgust with socal, the people who live there, the "culture." I feel the same way about incestuous group living situations, and despite your immediate surroundings and peer group your feelings sound more 'normal' or typical of most people our age, even though it may not seem like it where you are. So don't feel like ur in the minority just bc of what you've been living with, even though it's really hard to say for sure what most people in most places think and want when - who has the time to get to know that many people, really. Most of the cool kids involved in fake "radical" left stuff here are all fucking each other, always having endless drama, factioning off, living on top of each other, being way too involved in each other's personal and lives, no real sense of privacy or reprieve from it. Seems like absolute hell but some people just crave that kind of stressful mess I guess. A friend who has been spending time staying at a commune of 40+ people (that is not at all a leftist one in any ideological sense) described that place largely the same way. A few different polyamorous "groups"/tribes co-existing despite all the drama and interpersonal histories and latent tension. Weird emotional conflicts. Young kids involved in both situations. . . All of it very unappealing, but not everything is for everybody. Berkeley has a huge homeless population too. If fact my home is close by to a large homeless encampment. It's been on my mind because living here has destroyed my ability to work, and I cannot live in this housing for long without being a student. I have been receiving a ton of emails telling me about "grace semesters" and what not but have the constant reminder that I cannot stay here without being a student. I will effectively, have no home though once I move out. My mother recently disowned me. I feel like when I complete such a long backpacking trip, I will feel much stronger than I am right now, and will come back to be a student in the fall. Will I live in this same 50+? It's currently up for debate. I know there is another old person house with only 15 students in this housing system. But god, do I hate the concept of co-ops at the moment. What region are you currently staying if you don't mind me asking? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nabreezy Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 (edited) 34 minutes ago, jackiemarie90 said: living here has destroyed my ability to work, and I cannot live in this housing for long without being a student I get that feeling. I'm starting a new job (at a university actually) in several hours, after not working at all for over 4 months. Wasted all my savings but couldn't mentally do it. Work, sometimes it is literally impossible. I live alone though, if I was in a crowded situation like yours I'd probably have gotten a job much earlier just to get out of the house and around different groups of people for a change. The job market right now is such that - everyone's hiring and you can go through different jobs every few weeks, trying new ones out. Can think of it like taking different behind the scenes tours of a variety of businesses and restaurants and stuff. This week I'll do Del Taco, next week Sprouts... Jobs are a lot easier to deal with when you don't *need* any particular one, or to work at all. Like hey I'm just here hanging out for a little while, no obligation or connection to any of these fuckos. 34 minutes ago, jackiemarie90 said: I feel like when I complete such a long backpacking trip, I will feel much stronger than I am right now, and will come back to be a student in the fall. If you have a way to get back in and feel that this is something you really want or need to do then this isn't a bad plan, if you can't stand the idea of making yourself start school again in January. Leaving school does sound dangerous though bc might be hard to go back, or make yourself go back. If I was in school right now I would be striving for that work-from-home life in any field possible. You can take a break if you need one, it might be good for you if you feel like you're committed enough to the goal of getting a degree that you won't let yourself end up never going back. You should definitely get your degree. But above all else don't lose your CA resident status, the benefits are just too good if you're in a mulling over semi-homelessness phase of your life. 34 minutes ago, jackiemarie90 said: What region are you currently staying if you don't mind me asking? East TN. I live in the "big city" out here. The apolitical commune I described (more like an extremely rural homeless camp owned by one rich guy and doesn't do large scale agriculture or actually produce anything except drugs) is close to the Smokey mtns. Edited October 8, 2021 by Nabreezy 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bnmjy Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 Honey, please go back to school. Love is overrated as fuck. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DBAss Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 11 hours ago, jackiemarie90 said: Which isn't sad for everyone else, but what I think is depressing, is that everyone is an open relationship. I'm pretty certain that this may sound like a paradise to some, but for me, it just makes me feel like love is dead. I know many people don't believe in the concept of love, as it may just be chemicals running through our mind but I also believe science can reduce things. I don't really believe in a greater purpose, or destiny, but I think relationships between humans can develop beautiful things between people, I suppose that can happen while being with different partners, but I also see many arguments fall out of it too. There is always drama in the house because of it. I don't have a problem with polyamory, or people who engage in open relationships, but it makes me feel sad that the only guys who are interested in being with me are the ones already in relationships. I wouldn't want to be with a guy who would be constantly be thinking of someone else, or think of someone who is better. I don't know, it also feels like it's impossible for me to grow any attachment to any person at the moment as well. Not cause I'm afraid of commitment, but I'm afraid of the way in how humans lie to satisfy their own needs. I kind of have developed a wish to be a 3rd party entity in all this, without the ability to have human emotions, my depression has killed all drives that squash any possibility of urges. Yet I still hold these idealistic visions of what romantic love should be, this may be naivete to people who want to reduce things. I don't know, I've been so depressed living here for awhile now, that I have been dropped out of school for almost a year. I plan on leaving student housing in the spring, and being semi homeless, in the hopes of embarking on a 6 month backpacking trip, hopefully on the PCT. I've really gotten into backpacking, as I find it a solace from being trapped in the Berkeley bubble during the pandemic. It's almost comedic for me, that I can't help but think those dam shitty ass conservatives are right, Berkeley is a liberal hell hole. XD That right there is the key problem. Good that you recognized that. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
André Toulon Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 It's becoming a bit evident that you dgaf about school...maybe eliminate that part of the equation instead of pursuing it because you think that's what you want or are supposed to do. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Distortedreasoning Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 call me old fashion but i rather stick to one person as well. sounds like the life is not for you either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted October 8, 2021 Author Share Posted October 8, 2021 14 hours ago, Nabreezy said: I get that feeling. I'm starting a new job (at a university actually) in several hours, after not working at all for over 4 months. Wasted all my savings but couldn't mentally do it. Work, sometimes it is literally impossible. I live alone though, if I was in a crowded situation like yours I'd probably have gotten a job much earlier just to get out of the house and around different groups of people for a change. The job market right now is such that - everyone's hiring and you can go through different jobs every few weeks, trying new ones out. Can think of it like taking different behind the scenes tours of a variety of businesses and restaurants and stuff. This week I'll do Del Taco, next week Sprouts... Jobs are a lot easier to deal with when you don't *need* any particular one, or to work at all. Like hey I'm just here hanging out for a little while, no obligation or connection to any of these fuckos. If you have a way to get back in and feel that this is something you really want or need to do then this isn't a bad plan, if you can't stand the idea of making yourself start school again in January. Leaving school does sound dangerous though bc might be hard to go back, or make yourself go back. If I was in school right now I would be striving for that work-from-home life in any field possible. You can take a break if you need one, it might be good for you if you feel like you're committed enough to the goal of getting a degree that you won't let yourself end up never going back. You should definitely get your degree. But above all else don't lose your CA resident status, the benefits are just too good if you're in a mulling over semi-homelessness phase of your life. East TN. I live in the "big city" out here. The apolitical commune I described (more like an extremely rural homeless camp owned by one rich guy and doesn't do large scale agriculture or actually produce anything except drugs) is close to the Smokey mtns. I currently am working part time, but rent is still high here in the bay area. And also in student housing debt, which is why I want to also remove myself from next semester. I'm not in danger of losing Cali resident status, but it might be harder to come back to find rent in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted October 8, 2021 Author Share Posted October 8, 2021 5 hours ago, bnmjy said: Honey, please go back to school. Love is overrated as fuck. I'm not searching for love, I just feel defeated staying in a hard to live place. I recently tried to take classes at a local community college since being out of cal, and couldn't even finish those. Going back to school wouldn't be that good of idea if I can't finish the classes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted October 8, 2021 Author Share Posted October 8, 2021 4 hours ago, DBAss said: That right there is the key problem. Good that you recognized that. That's why I love backpacking, it gets me out of the city. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted October 8, 2021 Author Share Posted October 8, 2021 3 hours ago, André Toulon said: It's becoming a bit evident that you dgaf about school...maybe eliminate that part of the equation instead of pursuing it because you think that's what you want or are supposed to do. Depression doesn't necessarily mean idgaf about school. I care alot about the things I'm interested in. It's just hard to focus on it, when I constantly feel like shit here. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted October 8, 2021 Author Share Posted October 8, 2021 1 hour ago, Distortedreasoning said: call me old fashion but i rather stick to one person as well. sounds like the life is not for you either. I'm feeling extremely old fashioned here. 😂 But I don't want to start shit. >__> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scoobdog Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 34 minutes ago, jackiemarie90 said: I'm not searching for love, I just feel defeated staying in a hard to live place. I recently tried to take classes at a local community college since being out of cal, and couldn't even finish those. Going back to school wouldn't be that good of idea if I can't finish the classes. So, you're no longer enrolled at Cal? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
André Toulon Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 38 minutes ago, jackiemarie90 said: Depression doesn't necessarily mean idgaf about school. I care alot about the things I'm interested in. It's just hard to focus on it, when I constantly feel like shit here. If you say so...I'm not you, but it's rare any of these posts have to do with academia.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vamped Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 It just may not be the time for a relationship. Maybe just take some time to figure things out. If you know polyamory isn't your thing, then it's not your thing. If a potential partner can't accept that, then that isn't the partner for you. I know polyamory isn't for me because I have a jealous streak and I'll say some petty shit in a second I'm also not a forgiving person either when it comes to affairs. It doesn't even have to be me. If somebody I'm close to fucks around and tells me their partners cheated on them/treat them like shit .... even if they make back up I'm still going to be ready with the petty 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted October 9, 2021 Author Share Posted October 9, 2021 5 hours ago, scoobdog said: So, you're no longer enrolled at Cal? No, haven't been since fall of last year. I couldn't even maintain a class at a local city college. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted October 9, 2021 Author Share Posted October 9, 2021 5 hours ago, André Toulon said: If you say so...I'm not you, but it's rare any of these posts have to do with academia.... I also haven't been in school for a year. XD I'm complaining about the things that bother me, not necessarily talking about things I love. I also haven't watched an anime in a long time cause I just don't have to the same drive to watch it either. A lot of the people in the house make me feel worthless in different ways. I'm also very crazy admittedly, and have been acting out to certain people. >__> And with people reporting me in the house, it makes it really hard to focus on school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bnmjy Posted October 9, 2021 Share Posted October 9, 2021 5 hours ago, jackiemarie90 said: I'm not searching for love, I just feel defeated staying in a hard to live place. I recently tried to take classes at a local community college since being out of cal, and couldn't even finish those. Going back to school wouldn't be that good of idea if I can't finish the classes. Well whatever it is, you're in your 30s now. Play time is over. Time to get serious. I remember you being ecstatic when you got into Berkeley. It's fine if the coursework was too difficult for you or you got sidetracked . . . but please, finish your education. You seem to value it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted October 9, 2021 Author Share Posted October 9, 2021 3 hours ago, Vamped said: It just may not be the time for a relationship. Maybe just take some time to figure things out. If you know polyamory isn't your thing, then it's not your thing. If a potential partner can't accept that, then that isn't the partner for you. I know polyamory isn't for me because I have a jealous streak and I'll say some petty shit in a second I'm also not a forgiving person either when it comes to affairs. It doesn't even have to be me. If somebody I'm close to fucks around and tells me their partners cheated on them/treat them like shit .... even if they make back up I'm still going to be ready with the petty Yeah, it's hard when you see people cheating on their girlfriends, and I'm just constantly reminding myself, "It's none of your business, It's none of your business" To avoid getting reported by people here. XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted October 9, 2021 Author Share Posted October 9, 2021 Just now, bnmjy said: Well whatever it is, you're in your 30s now. Play time is over. Time to get serious. I remember you being ecstatic when you got into Berkeley. It's fine if the coursework was too difficult for you or you got sidetracked . . . but please, finish your education. You seem to value it. The computer science portion was hard, but I'm going for the history degree which is normally not that bad, but it's hard to stay focused on even easy work. I'll be back in the fall, I actually plan on leaving my stuff here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bnmjy Posted October 9, 2021 Share Posted October 9, 2021 1 minute ago, jackiemarie90 said: The computer science portion was hard, but I'm going for the history degree which is normally not that bad, but it's hard to stay focused on even easy work. I'll be back in the fall, I actually plan on leaving my stuff here. I'm just wondering, do you already have an undergrad degree? If not, maybe just work full time and be a part time student online? I know I sure as hell would hate to have young 20 somethings as my peers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted October 9, 2021 Author Share Posted October 9, 2021 4 minutes ago, bnmjy said: I'm just wondering, do you already have an undergrad degree? If not, maybe just work full time and be a part time student online? I know I sure as hell would hate to have young 20 somethings as my peers. I mean, I have an AA in History, finishing my bachelors would finish my purpose here in Berkeley. And I reject taking classes online, that's what made things worst. lol But I really do just want to get out of the city, I really am tired of this hippie dippie shit and how the people here really do think they are better than anyone else without actually doing any activist work. Plus being surrounded by nature is suppose to be extremely healing for people with depression, and it's a unique opportunity to explore in our short lives. To be outdoors for 6 months all by myself sounds quite lovely to me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scoobdog Posted October 9, 2021 Share Posted October 9, 2021 14 minutes ago, jackiemarie90 said: No, haven't been since fall of last year. I couldn't even maintain a class at a local city college. The worrisome part for me that you’re unable to focus on school. Have you seen a doctor about severe depression? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted October 9, 2021 Author Share Posted October 9, 2021 4 minutes ago, scoobdog said: The worrisome part for me that you’re unable to focus on school. Have you seen a doctor about severe depression? I do need to get back on that, and I keep forgetting to sign up with a new psychiatrist this month. I was seeing a therapist regularly, until she left for a new job. Then when I left cal, I lost my student insurance, and it's been a journey to get my insurance to switch from my old hometown to here. I literally just got it approved this October, but forgot to sign up for it this week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scoobdog Posted October 9, 2021 Share Posted October 9, 2021 Please do, before you go out on a backpack trip. You may need some temporary medicinal help to make sure you’re stable enough to go on a self discovery journey. Don’t feel you need to complete your degree now or force yourself to go to class. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
molarbear Posted October 9, 2021 Share Posted October 9, 2021 On 10/7/2021 at 11:22 PM, jackiemarie90 said: Off subject.... Saw this on Netflix and I was like "Jackie would appreciate this" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted October 9, 2021 Author Share Posted October 9, 2021 16 hours ago, molarbear said: Off subject.... Saw this on Netflix and I was like "Jackie would appreciate this" DA weed! A singular weed! 🤣 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonSinger Posted October 10, 2021 Share Posted October 10, 2021 21 hours ago, molarbear said: Off subject.... Saw this on Netflix and I was like "Jackie would appreciate this" Just finished it yesterday, so I got to enjoy this scene without being spoiled. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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