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My mind has been a mess

CutieQuesadilla

By CutieQuesadilla
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CutieQuesadilla Megastar

CutieQuesadilla

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I don’t usually post things like this, but it kind of gives some relief. 

I’m stuck in a depression and sometimes it feels like being in the middle of the ocean at night with unknown things brushing against my feet. I’m filled with dread, but i would accept being a meal to some monster out in the sea. 

I don’t like being in this place. It’s so critical and uninviting. I don’t want to be forced to look at mirrors when i know i am disfigured. I am not a replica of society’s standards and expectations and i’m not “normal” by any term.

Every day is a struggle and i often think i wasn’t equipped to live. I think about apoptosis and how i feel like the desire to self destruct is programmed in me, in my disorder. I’m just too much of a coward. I knew that when i tried to overdose because it wasn’t certain, but being on the edge was satisfying. It consoled me. I didn’t feel so full and everything was calm.

The last few days has been inner turmoil. The deep conversations i’ve had in my head made me sick. Physically ill. 

I don’t know what this is and i apologize in advance. 

 

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Phillies Monster Mutant

Phillies

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Sounds like the depression phase.  Well you know yourself, how long does this usually last for?

 

Everyday being a struggle is a scary thing.  Especially when there is no hope and no positive attitude.. but I don't think you are in a hopeless spot but Idk.

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André Toulon Monster Mutant

André Toulon

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I deleted all the social media I have except the FB account you're on.....The internet is poison and it took me almost 20 years to figure that out.  I don't think you're scared of animal and shit.....I live in a pretty populated area....I drove until I saw woods and just walked.....Will I get maimed by a bobcat....Maybe, but it was so much more satisfying than looking at other people's retarded statuses.  

I'm here now because, ya know, I can't just walk off into the woods atm but I forgot how good shit was before I was in a void of useless stimulus.

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KimopoBotar Luminary

KimopoBotar

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I don't think there's anything I can really say to make this ok, but i can tell you I made it out. If i did it, I know you can. 

I also know that's not really helpful, and I'm sorry. But don't give up. First thing's first: survive by what ever means necessary. For a long time spite was all I had, and so spite was what I used. I made a deal with myself: if i lived to be old enough (i chose 60 as my target age, I was only 21), and I was right about how bad it had all been, i could die peacefully telling everyone to fuck off. 

Turns out i was wrong. So now i got different reasons, and the thoughts are all but gone. They come back here and there, but they're small and weak. They have no comfort and they serve no purpose, so they fade as soon as they come up. 

Survive. Then work on getting better. See a doc if you can. If you're religious, talk to your faith leader person. 

Do what ever it takes. 

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RainyDayJizz#35 Hero

RainyDayJizz#35

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4 minutes ago, Buddyroe360 said:

I deleted all the social media I have except the FB account you're on.....The internet is poison and it took me almost 20 years to figure that out.  I don't think you're scared of animal and shit.....I live in a pretty populated area....I drove until I saw woods and just walked.....Will I get maimed by a bobcat....Maybe, but it was so much more satisfying than looking at other people's retarded statuses.  

I'm here now because, ya know, I can't just walk off into the woods atm but I forgot how good shit was before I was in a void of useless stimulus.

I keep telling her text isn't the same as human interaction. I told her what you people amount to to me, it might seem insulting since we've been posting together for ten years but it is what it is. You could say it's like a house party and you're all people I don't hang out with but I see around to say hey. I like you guys fine but you amount to little in my life. I'd hang out with plenty of you but you know. Can't take a bullet train halfway across the country in a couple hours. Also the older I get the less I want to hang around people.

 

I'm lucky enough that my mind is a wonderful place to retreat. Sometimes I couldn't even tell you what I'm thinking about. It's hard to imagine my mind not being a place of comfort.

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André Toulon Monster Mutant

André Toulon

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4 hours ago, GreatBallsOfJizz said:

I keep telling her text isn't the same as human interaction. I told her what you people amount to to me, it might seem insulting since we've been posting together for ten years but it is what it is. You could say it's like a house party and you're all people I don't hang out with but I see around to say hey. I like you guys fine but you amount to little in my life. I'd hang out with plenty of you but you know. Can't take a bullet train halfway across the country in a couple hours. Also the older I get the less I want to hang around people.

 

I'm lucky enough that my mind is a wonderful place to retreat. Sometimes I couldn't even tell you what I'm thinking about. It's hard to imagine my mind not being a place of comfort.

Nah, I get it.....I tried to be the guy that got close to internet people but it's not for me....I don't even like the people I know in real life, I have 0 real intention on ever making any real connections....Except TotallyRad, she's pretty cool but we just happen to live in the same town.....I not making any real effort otherwise unless I just happen to be in your area.  Then I'll be happy to get whoever drunk.

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Kermit the Frog Citizen

Kermit the Frog

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10 hours ago, CutieQuesadilla said:

I don’t usually post things like this, but it kind of gives some relief. 

I’m stuck in a depression and sometimes it feels like being in the middle of the ocean at night with unknown things brushing against my feet. I’m filled with dread, but i would accept being a meal to some monster out in the sea. 

I don’t like being in this place. It’s so critical and uninviting. I don’t want to be forced to look at mirrors when i know i am disfigured. I am not a replica of society’s standards and expectations and i’m not “normal” by any term.

Every day is a struggle and i often think i wasn’t equipped to live. I think about apoptosis and how i feel like the desire to self destruct is programmed in me, in my disorder. I’m just too much of a coward. I knew that when i tried to overdose because it wasn’t certain, but being on the edge was satisfying. It consoled me. I didn’t feel so full and everything was calm.

The last few days has been inner turmoil. The deep conversations i’ve had in my head made me sick. Physically ill. 

I don’t know what this is and i apologize in advance. 

 

You should fine people close to you to talk about this kind of stuff instead of some super obscure internet forum.

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jackiemarie90 Megastar

jackiemarie90

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I'm on anti depressants right now. They aren't a cure all for anything. Nothing really can be. It bothers people, but there isn't anything wrong with seeing a therapist or psychiatrist. A therapist is more for talking, and usually it's there job to get you talking until you realized something about yourself or your situation. The worst thing about depression, is the impact if can have on your life, not just with suicidal thoughts, but the casual uncaring that makes you ok with quitting the things you love or the loss of never attempting to achieve better things in life. It convinces you to not even try when you might be capable of some of the grandest things you never realized. I know I was teased mercilessly in high school. Other students threw spit balls at me and told me to kill myself. And a mother that reminded me I was worthless everyday. I believe their words, and never even tried in school. It's a miracle I even graduated. But a few years later, I started not listening to my thoughts, and challenging myself in things I never have before. I currently have a 3.92 in community college right now. I'm a semester away from graduating.

I tell you these things, because sometimes we let our depression convince us of things that aren't true. Even if someone told us something, it doesn't make it true. Even in a capitalistic society that tells us we must strive for a standard of beauty just so they can constantly find a reason to sell us something, something in our lives that needs to be "fixed". My life is far from perfect, but I think dealing with depression is learning how to fight for yourself when thoughts and people tell you that you don't deserve anything. Learning that life is going to be tough, you can be even more stronger than your can imagine now. I think seeking healthy help is the hardest step. But it's the best thing you can do when you care about others or want change in your life. I hope the best for you. And don't believe the lies depression tries to convince you.

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inhumanrampager Aristocrat

inhumanrampager

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First off, whatever the social norm for society is: fuck it. You do you. You do you better than anyone can do you. Wait....that sounded like some sort of innuendo. Eh, oh well. Point is, whatever you think society thinks of you, they don't. The kinda more depressing reality is no one gives a fuck. But for those that do, and those that do in a positive way, hold them close because they are your friends and family.

Secondly, about depression. You're not alone in the battle. Seek help if you need it. But as you're seeing in this thread: everyone here gives a fuck. Not everyone is on every day, but no matter if they're one every day, once a week, or once a month, there will be someone willing to listen and try to understand. But also, seek out some professional help if you aren't already. It will help you get out of this funk.

And finally: Farts are funny. And you know you laughed at that.

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naraku360 Monster Mutant

naraku360

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On 8/17/2018 at 6:11 AM, CutieQuesadilla said:

I don’t usually post things like this, but it kind of gives some relief. 

I’m stuck in a depression and sometimes it feels like being in the middle of the ocean at night with unknown things brushing against my feet. I’m filled with dread, but i would accept being a meal to some monster out in the sea. 

I don’t like being in this place. It’s so critical and uninviting. I don’t want to be forced to look at mirrors when i know i am disfigured. I am not a replica of society’s standards and expectations and i’m not “normal” by any term.

Every day is a struggle and i often think i wasn’t equipped to live. I think about apoptosis and how i feel like the desire to self destruct is programmed in me, in my disorder. I’m just too much of a coward. I knew that when i tried to overdose because it wasn’t certain, but being on the edge was satisfying. It consoled me. I didn’t feel so full and everything was calm.

The last few days has been inner turmoil. The deep conversations i’ve had in my head made me sick. Physically ill. 

I don’t know what this is and i apologize in advance. 

 

39442964_1850040431741841_6621387055442165760_o.thumb.jpg.fb1ac54c5e6c19b1528ae4b72e292e0d.jpg

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