Vamped

I think Im officially old. Im over the 4th of July and New Years eve with all these firecrackers and gunshots ..... ........ like okay its 2am go the fuck to sleep O_O They've been popping fireworks all week.

My grandpa's looking really frail lately .... its hard remembering how big and strong he used to be. >.> My grandma.... that broad is too stubborn to die. Then when she goes ... its going to be excessively dramatic

Why does it take so long for these episodes to come out?

Im too afraid that I would have to fart and then I would be too busy thinking about not farting.

I hate that its in the middle of the week >.<

Im very predictable. My swearing is turned up like 40%, I say mild sexually inappropriate things loudly and then boom! Sober. I also say the following atleast once "OCCIFER I AM NOT DRUNK" But never to a real police officer because Im uber responsible. I never get drunk in public because according to my grandma ... thats when you get raped .... especially if you leave your drink unattended.

I cant do braids and its too damn hot for a relaxer so Im pin curling until October ... probably Im too lazy to find an actual stylist

Well no one got shot because they were white Also its just really dumb

Clearly

Oh yeah ... lets just hang out at 1am

>.> You'll eventually end up talking about it anyway but I would wait until you were a little more comfortable and familiar with me before I launched straight into the heavy stuff

Damn. I was just thinking about trying it. Maybe ill just get a single one until I see for myself

I cant go more than 6 days without doing laundry

Ive never seen it ... but I cry super easily now

All you need for a handjob is a hand

Then there wont opportunities to take pictures with minnie mouse and daisy duck

Im sorry we were not able to deliver on the Purple Promise regarding your issue. Please direct any further issues to 1-800-GO-FEDEX. Have a pleasant evening.

The ocean is beautiful but its too hot for me. I took a cruise to Disney's island in the bahamas and it was mid october and it was hot as fuck. We stayed maaaybe 3 hours and went back to the ship. I wanna try again in like November or February

Well ... fedex doesnt ship live humans >.> So .... if you're okay with dead ones ...

At my first apartment any time somebody would spend the night they always told me they got this feeling of an invisible dog's tail wagging against any part of them that hung off the futon. I never felt it but I used to feel a small weight like a dog at the foot of my bed sometimes, so we determined I had a ghost dog

I need my bedroom cold to go to sleep. I always sleep with atleast a sheet because I also have an irrational fear of somebody looking at my butt when Im asleep.

illegally?!

I dont want to see it bad enough to pay for cbs all access