Mix

I haven't done a damn thing. That's why i'm not in prison.

Before Team Edward vs Team Jacob, that was the debate that split the public in twain. You want your sandwich toasted or nah?

Who do you work for? Quiznos? The Irish Government?

Cats are perverts!

Remember Subway? Remember Jared? Do you think he's still in shape? You'd think, prison, what else is there to do. But, also, being able to gain a ton of weight fast is probably beneficial in prison. I mean, you just don't hear about a lot of fat guys getting raped. Anyway, the sandwich was alright.

I'm desperate to be liked. If I don't have it in me to politely decline, what makes you think I can do that shit?

Y'know, I was thinking about that, but the other way. I think I might of been his place holder dad. His dad went out for cigarettes twenty years ago and he's been recruiting well meaning strangers for a catch ever since.

...by this guy who wouldn't stop throwing me his football. I was outside and I hear, "heads up!" He throws me the football. I catch it and throw it back. And he throws it back to me! So....I throw it back to him and now i'm full on playing catch with this guy. I DON'T KNOW HIM! I was just going to get my mail.

Here's another weird fact about geopolitics, I thought that was the name of a pokemon.

Sometimes I hate that i'm not religious and don't believe in hell.

If anyone were to die and not even realize it, it would be you. Can't kill a Ghost!

The coyotes sold me into sex slavery. I'd be angrier if not for the flattering price they got.

And, surprisingly, without charge. They were just grateful for the company. It's a lonely journey back.

Getting into Mexico was super easy. I don't know what everyone's complaining about. I didn't have a single issue at the boarder.

Got a new car! Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, I am driving it straight to Mexico.

You can't tell if they're stalling or genuinely scared. Just get out of the car, you won't get shot. No one likes blood stained car seats.

I was playing with Yugioh cards back then, I didn't know shit about shit.

wow, are people cumming to that band? i'm always the last to know. y'know, I was the last person to start eating ass. I was still working on the pussy and they were like, "the second course is coming, don't make the chef mad."

I'm about to Johnny Depp this shit

No, but that would be hilarious. Wake up in a chair with my pants around my ankles and my dick in my hand, lol. Hell of a jerk, that.

See, that's the thing, I was fine. That's not human.

I don't get that reference.

I wasn't too drunk to drive after a party or at the hospital for somebody or pulling an all nighter for work. I just fell asleep in a chair, five feet from my bed. Sat down, shut myself off and got up six hours later like it was ordinary. You see where i'm going with this. Guys, i'm concerned I might be a cyborg.