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He reeks of booze. He's in no condition to drive. He's gonna crash on my couch. I'll put the presents in the mail tomorrow. Before you bitch and moan about the presents, you don't have one coming. There's like seven in the sack. He said the rest of us were assholes this year. Also he's racist. Merry Christmas, muthafukkas.

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I forgot to mention they were men.

the way I read this.....well, I pictured you enthusiastically walking into a hotel room with some czechoslovakian prostitutes

Why is it called dumb luck? Can someone who can fit their fist in their mouth be justifiably angry when asked if they can fit it elsewhere? Both leopards and squirrels eat and store their food in trees. Do you think deforestation starts a war between them or will they join forces to destroy mankind and claim the earth for their own?

You didn't hear? He finally got a girlfriend. Then the Swat Team got her back.

Be honest, how soon before you start thinking about who you would eat first?

Did they dry up when covid hit the scene or am I misremembering the timeline? just sayin' @Phillies was ahead of his time

trade ya wanna spend Christmas with a bunch o' Ethiopians who are constantly making calls to east africa to make sure no one they know has been gunned down yet?

yeah, a seventh time would be pushing it

the Amy Schumer movies flipped the traditional model and had the slutty one as the lead it's your call, but if you want to be the lead, you have to be Schumer

You like 'em thick, huh respect

more proof that you're a character in a romantic comedy Do you think you're the main character? shit, what does that make us I don't like this joke anymore

You owe me twenty bucks @molarbear

the H O S P I T A L I T Y business my brain understood and yet still almost shut down the hospitality business....the business of being hospitable.... hossssspittttality there is money in it.......hospitality we should get into that business what business the hospitality business god, I miss drugs

cinematic......bitch, that's a scene from at least a dozen movies you're out here living people's fantasies and shit

well, it wasn't stolen or parked directly in front of your mom's house, so you experience the full combined crushing panic of having sex for the first time with possibly the eyes of your family and neighbors on you

I said don't bang in a stolen car, not, don't bang in a stolen police car

thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt and not assuming this information is based on personal life experience

It leaves DNA.

See this is why I can't get ahead in life....I didn't even think of all that I mean I was willing to leave my luggage behind

do you have to stick around like in a car crash or can you just go home? like did those people in miracle on the hudson stick around, or did they just hail a cab and go home

Happy birthday or whatever the equivalent celebration is for a demon summoning

Tell it to get a job