SwimModSponges

Chapter 2 - Act 2- The continuation of act 1 Charles Xavier continued to stare back at me with a look that can only be described as a mixture of profound disbelief, resigned anger, passive resistance, and some fairly dank illegal substances. It’s hard to describe, but this is Patrick Stewart we’re talking about here; he can pull it off. The sudden tremolo emitted by the phone on his desk cut into his concentration, but only momentarily. The phone rang again as he turned his attention back towards me. “You uh… you gonna answer that phone there big guy? It’s probably important.” I said as I gestured towards it. Xavier however continued to stare me down. “What happens if I don’t?” he asked me, his eyebrows raised. “Well then I’ll have to find some other way to move this plot along.” I leaned over in my chair, “Or, if you feel like being a contradictory dick about it, they can just call back and we can argue philosophy for like half an hour. Your call, old man.” “So I still have free will?” the Professor queried. “God fvcking damnit, are we really going to do this?” The phone fell silent. “Listen- nothing against a good philosophical debate, but we’re dealing with some short attention spans here; my own included. Now, not to spoil anything for you, but I really hyped some stuff up in the opening parts and if I never get to it because I’m sitting here arguing philosophy with a stoned old man… Well that would just be a massive waste, don’t you think?” “Humor me.” Xavier replied. “Do I have free will?” “Godfvckingdamnit” I sighed as I leaned back in my chair. “No, your reality is a work of fiction created by people in my universe; first as a comic book, then as a series of movies, and currently as a shitty piece of fan fiction written by myself starring myself. Mostly… for myself… god damn that’s sad. ” Charles Xavier stared back at me, his mouth wide open in disbelief. “Oh for fvck’s sakes man, does it feel like you have free will? Well then as far as you’re concerned you have it, why do you have to make it so complicated? I mean yes, everything that’s going to happen is ‘going to happen,’ but you have to realize when I say ‘everything’ I mean literally ‘everything.’ You exist, this is real, as real as everything else, I assure you.” That answer seemed to calm him enough for him to regain his composure. “What else you got?” I asked. He looked down in deep contemplation, choosing his words carefully. Finally he looked back to me. “Schrödinger’s cat…” he began “Existed in a quantum state between life and nonlife because it was unobservable.” He looked down briefly before continuing. “The same could theoretically be said for that… place… you took me to; that it may not have existed until we were there to observe it.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “The same could theoretically be said of this place” he said as he gestured to the solid walls of his office. “You say I exist; but is that existence independent of your observation?” “Wow professor, you’re really making me pull deep into my bag of tricks with this one. All right, let me answer your question with another question.” Taking the form of that cool black void thing that talks through walls, I continued: “I just spent five years in the universe where batman was real… Did you notice?” He shook his head as I faded back into his reality. “Well you’re going to poop yourself exactly five years from now when I fade in and ask you the same question. The answer is; it doesn’t matter. Ok, here’s another one for you to chew on Charles; think of it as a Charleston chew (I’m totally getting ad revenue you guys). Do you remember when we were sitting here talking before I took you to that crazy island? Do you think I brought you back to the same universe? Is the grass green here, or is it made of spiders? Oh god, did I bring you to the universe where the grass is made of spiders? I mean, it’s a possibility until you look out that window and confirm that it isn’t, right?” Charles quickly wheeled over to the window and breathed a sigh of relief as he saw the same courtyard in the late august afternoon that he had left only an hour before; entirely bereft of spiders on the lawn. “You’re just paranoid man, seriously, calm down.” I said from my chair. “Although as long as you’re over there, you might want to measure that window- it could be 2.463 repeating inches wider. You never know. That’s the thing Charles, how many times do you think I’ve come and gone from this universe since the time our discussion began? Do you think I have to do that void thing every time I switch a universe? No, I just do it because it looks fvcking rad. Do you think you’re the same Charles Xavier I was talking to 30 seconds ago? You’re not- I switched universes just to prove a point. Do you think you’re the same Charles Xavier you were when I promised you had free will? You see where that got us? Yeah you lost that privilege, that’s for sure.” Charles Xavier was currently sitting by the window hyperventilating. “I’m just fvcking with you man, Jesus; take a goddamn chill pill or some shit. It’s all good; I promise.” His breathing slowed as he regained composure He took a final deep breath and turned his attention back from the window to me. “I have a final question,” he began. “Actually, it’s more of a request. “I’m reminded of the quote by the philosopher Epicurus: ‘Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?’” He took a breath before continuing. “If you can truly do anything, why don’t you? So many injustices occur daily, and you have the power to stop every single one. Shouldn’t it be your obligation to stop them? With that much power, surely there comes great-“ “Hey- hey now, we’ll have none of that here.” I interjected. “Spider man is not welcome until he proves to me he can clean up his act. I mean seriously, did you see Electro? All eels and dubstep. Anyways, as you were saying; as long windedly as possible, might I add, you want me to just snap my fingers and fix everything, right?” “Well, it’d be nice of you,” said Charles with a slow nod. “I mean, if you can, then why not?” “All right, fine then, whatever. Pow! The world is a paradise. No more greed or hunger, all that John Lennon bullshit. Hooray. Satisfied?” I asked. “Are you just fvcking with me again?” asked Charles Xavier. I sighed and facepalmed. “I’m as serious about this as I have been about everything thus far in our entire conversation. Now will you please answer that fvcking phone?”

Chapter 1 - X-Men vs. Aliens vs. Preator: Starring covered_in_sponges; Act 1 It was a brisk day in late August; there was a slight chill in the breeze which rustled though the foliage around campus. The trees were still full and green from the lush summer which was now drawing to a close. Charles Xavier wheeled through the open courtyard of the academy, admiring the beautiful weather while it lasted. As he and his thoughts meandered, both were struck by a shaft of light which glowed through the boughs of the large white oak tree which stood before him. In the fire of the midafternoon sun, the jade-green opalescence which shown through the leaves revealed tinges of darker hues; a portent of the autumnal change to come. With this thought, Xavier sighed and turned back towards his office. A new semester was about to begin, and with it came a host of new challenges. Poor bastard had no idea. “Good afternoon Professor,” said Jean Grey as he wheeled past the room in which she was preparing her fist weeks’ worth of lectures. “Good afternoon, Jean” he said as he stopped in the hallway. “I trust you’re doing well?” “Of course Professor, just putting the final touches on my presentation on mutations throughout earth’s evolutionary history. There’s a good chance I’ll be putting a few students to sleep with this one.” She quipped as she added a piece of clip art to the power point she was working on. Xavier chuckled as he quipped back, “I’ll have to make sure not to schedule your class after lunch then.” “By the way,” remarked Jean, “On my way back from the teacher’s lounge I ran into a young man who was looking for your office, said he had an appointment with you. “ “I don’t remember making an appointment for today,” said Xavier as he shrugged and wheeled off towards his office. ===== “Yeah… I kinda didn’t make an appointment.” I said as Xavier wheeled into the room. “I mean, I could have, that goes without saying… I just kind of wanted it to be a surprise, I guess? You want me to start over, I get an appointment, yeah, I could totally do that. But I mean that could kind of screw up the narrative flow, you know what I mean?” Xavier stared back at me entirely unsure. “I’m sorry, can I have your name please?” “Sponges,” I replied. “Just call me sponges.” “Mr. Sponges then,” replied Xavier. “How is it that I can help you today?” “Hmmm…” I replied. “I’m not sure how to put this delicately. You know, you practice it and you practice it and then when the time comes, the words just don’t come to you…” “Oh god, I’m not your father am I?” gasped Xavier. “What? No, hell no.” I replied quickly. “My father is in Wisconsin and works on a potato farm. You ain’t my daddy.” “Well then who are you?” Xavier demanded. He attempted to probe me with his mind but I decided not to let him. “You probably don’t want to do that man, just chill all right? This is why I’m trying to be delicate about the whole thing.” I said as he ramped up his psychic defenses. “Come on man, you’re going to give yourself an aneurysm, just relax.” “Tell me who you are.” He said through gritted teeth. “Promise you won’t freak out?” I said. “Ok, here goes. I’m kind of like… god? You know? Not the Jesus one or the Bhudda one, but like, the everything one?” “What do you mean?” he said as he finally began to relax. Well, I made him relax. Seriously, dude’s eyeballs were popping out. Felt bad for him. “Ok, listen,” I said. “Shit’s about to get heavy. How much do you know about quantum mechanics?” “Well, I sent my consciousness back in time to talk to a younger version of myself for a short while, if that counts for anything. Logan went back for even longer.” “Oh yeah, I saw that. Everybody did. Good movie. This is going a lot further than that though.” Xavier gave me a strange look as I leaned back in the chair and began my explanation. “Ok, so… there are an infinite number of parallel universes out there. I don’t mean a bunch of them; I mean an infinite number of them. You see that window there?” I said as I pointed to the window which faced the open courtyard. “There is a universe where that window is two inches wider. Not only that,” I paused for dramatic effect, “there is a universe where that window is two and a half inches wider. And another universe for every single molecule in between. And that’s only one variable on one window. Infinity is truly infinite.” Charles Xavier gave a slow nod. “Yes I’m familiar with that theory and those are all interesting implications…” The space where I had been became a void; a black empty nothingness in the shape of me; my voice echoed out from the walls. “I have the ability… to traverse… the multiverse. I am here… because I have chosen to be here. You are here… because I have chosen you to be here. Earth is here… because I have chosen it to be here. Do you see… this is all of my will.” I faded back into our shared reality as Xavier stared intently at me from across the desk. “Again, those are amazing claims, but all I have seen thus far could be accomplished through far less astounding means…” “Take my hand,” I said to the Professor as I reached out across the desk. “Humor me.” I said as he hesitantly put his hand in mine. At once, the office we had been seated in was gone, replaced instead with the white sand and orange hues of a tropical beach at sunset I turned to see Xavier frowning as the wheels of his chair sunk into the loose sand. “You could take us anywhere on earth, and you choose a beach.” He remarked angrily. “Don’t worry,” I said, “the lobster will be along shortly.” As I spoke, a fifteen foot long lobster emerged from the surf and began to scuttle towards us. Using its massive pincers as gently as possible, it lifted Xavier from his chair and placed him atop its back. He was of course, quite unnerved by the experience. “Come, there’s something I want you to see” I stated as I began walking towards the tree line, the massive lobster scuttling behind with a visibly perplexed Charles Xavier holding on to the top of its shell. As we approached the forest the sounds of the Baja Men’s “Who let the dogs out” drifted down towards us through the trees. As we came to the foot of the first outcropping of palms, I stopped and instructed the professor to examine the tree. I followed his gaze up the long trunk to the fronds, where his view lingered, mouth agape. Nestled among the fronds where coconuts should have been, were a tangle of what appeared to be blue plant-like tubes; and on the sides of these tubes at regular intervals were round white protrusions which seemed to stretch the skin around them. The tube ruptures as we watched and an egg the size of a fist fell to the beach below. We turned our attention to the little cream white spheroid as it began to rock. A small crack appeared at the top as the being inside attempted to break through. “Sorry, I’m impatient.” I said as I picked the egg up and began removing the shell. I removed enough to reach my hand inside and pull out the newborn; it was a bundle of Mcdonalds French fries wrapped in barbed wire. “Be free, little one” I said as I placed the bundle on the ground and it began to burrow into the moist beach soil. The wind picked up, and with it came the sound of the Baja Men. It was then that Xavier realized that the sound of the wind was the Baja Men. Thunder struck in the distance as a sudden monsoon came over the island; a dense rain of miniature ponies fell from the sky. “I think I want to go home now.” As he said it, it became; the beach was once again replaced by the familiar sights and sounds of his office. We were once again sitting across the desk from each other. His face looked ashen. “I think I need some tea.” He said finally. “I think you need something stronger than tea.” I said as I reached into my pocket and pulled out some illegal substances. I handed it to him across the table and he took a long drag. And then another two or three for good measure. “What now?” he said. “Well a little bit more mind blowing before we get to the real meat of the issue…” I began to say. He chortled and coughed up a bit of smoke as he cut me off: “This… That? That wasn’t the meat of the issue? You mean there’s more?” “Oh, there’s a lot more, hopefully. You see, I’ve got plans for this universe… Big plans.” “Ooooh fvvvvck.” Xavier said slowly as he exhaled a large cloud of smoke. “That doesn’t sound good. Never does.” “Yeah… shit’s about to hit the fan pretty soon here, sorry about that.” I shrugged. “If it makes you feel any better it’s going to be really exciting.” “It kind of doesn’t.” said Xavier as he leaned back in his wheelchair. “So, a mutant uprising, another genocide attempt, robots taking over again… what’s it going to be this time?” “Well, that would kind of ruin the surprise, I think. But shit’s going to get all kinds of fvcked up in here. We’re talking a strong R-rating; there’s gonna be death, dismemberment, probably a lot of swearing, just general all around adults only entertainment. I mean, I’m going to be honest, I’m going to be really disappointed if someone hasn’t had sex with a dinosaur by the time we’re all said and done here.” I was grinning from ear to ear as Professor Xavier stared back at me. “Ah who am I kidding,” I continued. “Of course someone’s having sex with a dinosaur.”

Ok, thats going to be painful to do on a phone, but i can do this.

Look at this. JUST LOOK AT IT.

Also, where do they go?

Well shit.

Ok, so when do i have to do this thing by?

That would make me very happy.

I would hate to go to a place where i didnt live.

I will. I promise.

But i have a new reader irl.

Fanfictions will be migrated, right? Because with my computer down, this is currently the only place where they exist.

That was my thread, and i got all the "yes" answers i needed.

My computer is still dead.

What you actually witnessed was the fractal of four dimensional reality. Once you learn how to manipulate it youll have to join the X-Men and i for an adventure.

Not necessarily because you were in your car and you just happened to feel like beating it, im talking going out to your car specifically to beat it then going back inside. Yeah... me neither.

Ah, you saw it too. Did you meet any Chewbatulas while you were up there?

24 hours over the next five days, counting today. Worked last weekend so i get this one off. I have a lot of pto i have to burn through before the end of the year, so i'm going to be having a bunch of 4 and 5 day weekends in the coming months.

No probably not. Its a theory ive heard though. Not a verry good one.

Its still canon because predators have the ability to time travel.

I travel about the multiverse kind of like Rick Sanchez, except im only interested in messing with the X-Men.

Not as much as Wynona Ryder's terrible android impersonation.

You are a deuterostome. Let that sink in. Like, really sink in. Real deep in there.

The only redeeming thing about that movie was Wynona Ryder as an android.