I don't think there's anything I can really say to make this ok, but i can tell you I made it out. If i did it, I know you can.
I also know that's not really helpful, and I'm sorry. But don't give up. First thing's first: survive by what ever means necessary. For a long time spite was all I had, and so spite was what I used. I made a deal with myself: if i lived to be old enough (i chose 60 as my target age, I was only 21), and I was right about how bad it had all been, i could die peacefully telling everyone to fuck off.
Turns out i was wrong. So now i got different reasons, and the thoughts are all but gone. They come back here and there, but they're small and weak. They have no comfort and they serve no purpose, so they fade as soon as they come up.
Survive. Then work on getting better. See a doc if you can. If you're religious, talk to your faith leader person.
Do what ever it takes.